Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have had the day from all levels of Dante's Hell.

I had a emotional and mental breakdown of epic proportions.

I was a major drama queen.

Started with taking Jazzy in to get neutered and I cried all the way home after I left him with the vet.

Continued with posting things that are not mine to give a damn about. If it doesn't offend others it should not offend me.

All day long I was lonely with out my little boy. I kept making sure that my feet did not move around under my desk because that is where Jazz loves to sleep while I surf.

I called around 5 pm to see if Jazz was ready to come home. The nurse said that because of two emergency surgeries that Jazz had just finished surgery and was still asleep. They were going to keep him overnight to monitor him. All went well.

I went to get the mail and my parents mail. Took it up to them. Got a letter from my disability Lawyer who had gotten a letter from a doctor who I had seen back in 1994 or 1995. That doctor says I was never there. More than likely my files were purged. I now have to call that doctor and argue that he certainly did see me, he even carved a piece of me out during a bout of Crohns.

I also got a notice from my apt's management company that dogs are not allowed and they suggest that I consider getting rid of the dog or they will evict me.

I fell apart.

I know damn well that the management is singling me out due to my slip and fall law suit.

I feel so damn defeated right now.

I will move from my apartment. That does not bother me in and of itself. I would rather live in a shit hole than give up my dog.

What it is is that I feel guilty inside. This little dog, he has given me back a sense of myself. He has taken me out of myself. He came into my life and made me so much more whole.

FUCK THEM FUCK THEM FUCK THEM.

I gave up today.

My motto has always been, "Giving up is not an option" Today it was the only option.

I have nothing. I am right now feeling no self worth. I feel like I am justifying my existence all over the place.

I need to apologize to myself tonight for giving in and giving up.

So, this is what I did after I got through with feeling lower than ant poop. I got together with my parents and we talked. They have been wanting to move to Long Beach, NY. I cannot financially live on my own any longer.

We do not know how long my dad will last. His Leukemia is back and the chemo is not working as well this time around.

So, tomorrow, my mom and I will start looking for three bedroom apts in Long Beach. Together we can consolidate some expenses and afford a nice place.

After a year, if things get better, more definite, Then another plan of action can commence. If my dad is still with us, we would stay. If he is not, we would probably move down to Virginia to be near my nieces.

I still feel kind of lower than ant poop and I will probably not sleep much tonight, I will miss my boys butt against my back, but I am back to knowing that I am a fortunate person.

I have family who cares about me and will not let anything bad happen to me.

I know completely that I am capable of loving with all my heart and soul that to be without my dog for one night gives me pain.

Someone (hi Susan) when I posted this to another site reminded me of something very very important. I did not go to food to feel better.

" Instead you identified the main issues, discussed them with your mom, and came up with a plan."

What was especially interesting was that while I was writing this, and crying and being angry etc etc... is that I just knew that eating junk food was not any kind of answer for me. That would be like adding insult to injury. I will have to get something down but I just have no desire to eat anything.

Mentally I was considering the junk food in my folks fridge. They have great ice cream and those milky way minis. There is also an apple pie. I just have no desire to actually eat them. Hmmm, maybe mentally I had the binglet and did not need the real thing...

Perhaps that is the true sense of self. When you in some way shape or form do treat yourself with kindness.