Yuck, ever actually see all the food you eat in one day laid out infront of you?

Well, in theory, that is what I just did.
I conviently... did not record what I ate over the weekend.
Talk about getting a taste of reality.

Lets see the numbers averaging for Friday through today:

food calories:1,288 cals
fat:46 g
saturated fat:11 g
carbohydrate:138 g
sugar:47 g
protein:75 g
sodium:1,702 mg
cholesterol:130.4 mg


Now, while the numbers don't look too bad, the types of food were horrible. I mean hell, 138 g of carbs, 47 g of sugar?

Sandra get off your ass and stop this shit.

I was also not taking my meds over the weekend. Not for my depression, not for my neurological pain, not for anything.

Well, now that reality hit me smack in the face, I find myself hanging my head down ashamed at myself.

"Oh, pity poor old me."

The feelings sink into me. The thoughts of failure step up to the plate.

A couple of weeks ago on CK someone commented negatively (although innocently, since I don't believe she knew who she was saying things about) regarding ______'s blog. She has major issues with her self esteem, has a self mutilization problem. I don't particularly like reading her blog but I do because I know deep down she wants to be a normal girl. I believe she needs the quiet support. She writes very descriptively and while the words are scarey they are hers...

But the negative statements weren't what I am thinking about. It is about how she feels when she fails. She cuts.

I understand the need. I once thought real hard about cutting when I was a teenager. Inside of me was something so ready to explode that I thought that if I just could cut myself somewhere then the explosion would not be so vast and hurtful. Sort of like releasing some volcano steam so the lava didn't spew all over.

I never did cut. I couldn't do it. I ate instead. Calmed down the volcano inside enough.
Trouble is the volcano can build up again at any time. When I am not careful it gets too easy for it to build up. I need more and more food to calm, to quell, the stressor.

I am now 44 1/2. I take meds that keep the volcano at bay. I hate taking the meds but am grateful they are there to help. Some days, like this weekend though, the meds are the enemy and I avoid them.

That damned volcano build up again. I ate to calm the mountain.

You never lose the damned volcano, you just have to be vigilent.

Someone just today on CK had blogged that they were ashamed of the fact that at the moment their eating was out of control. They felt so much like a failure.

It took me until right now to be able to say to myself that "Failure is when you allow it to continue when you know better."

I know better.
Giving up is not an option.
Failure is not an option.
Taking a short break is.

Fuck it, so yesterday I ate 5 Weight watchers chocolate eclairs. Today I won't. Today I will be more vigilant and face the volcano.

Two things important in this world. Life and death, everything else is candy anyway. Today my candy is to get myself back on track and quell the volcano. One pill at a time. One minute at a time.

My world won't end. My journey goes on.

Have a special day people.