Ranting and Raving

Just having one of those inner demon days.
I really should not be in such turmoil but it must be some left over vestige of estrogen that forgot that I haven't needed it in over 5 years.
It is a real pissy mood.

I feel as if I am getting nowhere with my lap band lately. I am, for lack of a more colorfully descriptive word, craving all sorts of crappy junky food. I sat down in front of the television last night and managed to polish off an entire bag of Hershey's caramel kisses. Not even a small bag, no, the huge ass one.
I have managed to get through both KFC and Taco Bell in the last week. Tacos, nachos, popcorn chicken...
What the Fuck is wrong with me?

Then, it just hits me square in the face. Loss of control in all areas of my life. I can't be allowed to drive, I need a caretaker so that I can walk my dog. I cannot get my left foot to listen to my brain. I work a sweat up three times a week at PT and at least twice more a week at the little gym in this apt building. I am never alone. I am never making decisions for myself. I am making them with my mom and even with Jazzy in mind.

Eat, that is what I did in my life to calm my emotional stress. Eat until the pain in my stomach outweighs (forgive the pun) the pain in life.

Things move too slowly for me. I want everything to wind up quickly like in a half hour sitcom.
I need to regain control over my own life.

My mom let me drive to PT yesterday. It was wonderful. No one saying "watch out for the ice" no dog whining. No one to determine my day but me. FREEDOM.

Spring can't come soon enough for me. I want my drooping left foot better or in a brace. I want the wonderful spring smells wafting through my system as I stroll for hours with Jazzy at my side. I want to get to that point in my brain where I was before the shit, as it were, hit the fan.

Tomorrow, I call Molloy college and find out what they need to get them to accept me into their fall MSW couseling program.
Tomorrow, it is suppose to be in the 40's, I will be outside with Jazzy for as long as we can stand it.
Tomorrow I get on the recumbent bike as do a half hour of riding.