vanity sizing.... Hmmm.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15319430/site/newsweek/



Kind of means I should be a size 18 in a few weeks instead of a few months.

Who the hell wants to be a sub zero anyway? Can there really be people that thin?

Yech.

Meanderings and stream of thought.....

Well, lets see, EEG came back normal except for the fact that the technician said I fell asleep (brain wave activity said so) but I swear I was not asleep.
I am just this close really close to being legally blind in my right eye. My left eye still has a cataract but it is in its infancy. May it stay in childhood for a long time. I am losing a bit more peripheral vision in that left eye though. I believe I will see if Jazzy will be able to learn to be a seeing eye dog. He has already earned his kibble yesterday morning. I was really horribly dizzy and my mom was in the living room watching thenews. I was in the bedroom bathroom. I told Jazzy "Grandma Grandma" which to him means find my mom. He got her attention and brought her to me.
There must be angels cause Jazzy certainly has turned out to be mine.

Mr. Silent is not so silent lately and it is making me nuts. Remember when I told you all about how quiet he got when I had told him that since no one was begging me to stay in NY after a year I would probably move with my mom down to Virginia? Well Mr. Silent sure has been attentive.

He took me out to dinner twice, and when I called and told him that my dad had past away, he was a bit angry I had not called earlier when dad had fallen and gone into the hospital. I had not called him because I just am use to being on my own. He told me he would be at the funeral.
Monday he showed up and I went over to him and gave him a huge hug, letting him know how pleased I was that he would show up.

After the ceremony I did not get to see him so I figured he had to get to work. We went to the cemetary and I kind of stood next to my mom and my brother Alan but behind them. All of a sudden I feel someone holding me around the waist. I thought it was my cousin James, someone who is a few months younger than I and we grew up together. I turned around and it was Mr. Silent, Mitchell himself.

The ceremony at the cemetary was about 15 minutes and he never let me go. It was as if he knew I needed someone just for me. That my mom had my brothers. The only time he let go was when I put 4 shovelfuls of dirt onto my fathers casket as is the jewish tradition. Then he walked me back to where my mom was standing and held me again.

He went and put in a few shovelfuls also. Then came back.

I must say, I was so happy and felt that my dad was honored completely by the 40 or so people who were at the grave site. In jewish tradition, you put shovelfuls of dirt onto the coffin so that the coffin is mostly overed. The back hoe does the rest. My fathers coffin did not really need the back hoe. Nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, all of them, helped to say good bye to my father.

Now, back to Mitchell. He showed up for Shiva that night. Spent time just with me but then got to talking to friends of my brother AL, they are just a year apart. I liked seeing him like that, getting along with my bro and his friends. I got to show off my nieces to Mitchell. Even held Ava while I was talking to him, just to check out how he deals with babies. She got a bit fussy but even so he smiled at her and held her little hand.

So, since then, Mitchell decided I needed a day away so we went up to the house he built up near Yeagers Farm where the original Woodstock was held. It is about 2 miles away. I remember way back in the mid 80's when he started building it but we broke up before he got it done. So I never saw it before. It is really a nice summer type house about a 5 minute walk to a lake. He is still after all these years planning on making the basement into a two bedroom apt but since he does it all on his own, I am figuring on 2010 for that. We had a nice quiet time. Jazzy came along. He showed me the whole area, where he spent his summers growing up, what he remembers of his grandparents who owned one of those bungalow colonies. It was nippy out but not too nippy. I walked Jazz, he mowed the grass and took care of somethings.
We got home around 8pm and I took him out to dinner.

Since then, it seems if I do not email or talk to him twice a week, he gets worried that something is wrong. I am not use to this. I am helping him out with some powerpoint projects but I am not use to Mr. Silent being not so silent.

He will be going up to the house on Thanksgiving with his brother, who is manic depressive to take care of things. I just hope he will get to be with some friends for some part of the weekend.
My mom and I are going to my Friend from Jr. High for Turkey day. We just did not want to go down to my bro John and spend so much time. So tomorrow we turkey it up here and Friday morning, Mom, my bro Al, Jazzy and I will drive down to my bro/SIL for the weekend. I get to see my sweeties and I also do not have to spend so much time there.

Moving day is fast approaching. I keep feeling I am forgetting to pack things but No matter how neurotic I am being, I know it will work out fine.
I just wish my mom would get a bit more into all this. I know she is grieving and I know it takes time but heck, I am grieving also and it is starting to get too much for me.

Being sick, dealing with missing my dad, confused about Mitchell, living with the damn drugs and at least once a friggin day tripping over my own feet is just beginning to be too much.
My working on automatic pilot failed the other day when on the 30th day the candle we use to mark the first month of his passing finally went out. My heart broke and I am still putting it back together now.

But, as I say, Giving up is not ever an option. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Happy Turkey day to all you turkeys....hehehe

Nothing in the world like your computer crashing at the wrong time. I am just happy I had my moms tower and hard drive to use.

I have learned something very important, never touch a crashed computer alone. You fuck it up even worse.
I had "Eric" from Eric's computer repair come down today and repair what he could. I lost so much off line data though. He sold me a memory stick so now I will be totally backing up everything off line every day.

I had collected all my journalling from CK on off line word doc. NOw I have to go back and do it all over. ARRRRRRRGH!!!!

Shoes just make the day better.

'You see, the dame had the legs that just would not stop. Her shoes were red, not cherry red mind you but the color of a fine red wine...'

I have never owned a pair of shoes that made me feel so female. I also got a pair in black. I love these shoes!!!!

Just a short message from our sponsor....

Do you know how it feels to walk thru Macy's, and instead of heading to the woman's department without looking at the misses dept clothes, stop in the misses side and see a really pretty zip up sweater, try on the XL, zip it up and find it fits?


Do you know what it feels like to pass by a mirror in that same Macy's and say "Who the heck is that cute woman? Oh, yeah, that wonderful person is ME!

Do you know what it feels like to be able to now share all these great feelings with my friends?

Dancing and partying all around people. Dancing and partying.

Chapter 4: Friendships

I have found out in the past few months just how much a friendship means.

My brother Al's friends, who he has know from high school and college, so, what, 35 or so years, all came to my dad's funeral out of love and concern for Al. They also knew and liked my dad but they came because Al was their friend and needed them.

I do not have many friends living near me and unfortunately the two who are closest to me could not come. One, actually was doing a major Mitzvah (good deed) by watching Jazzy for me that day, and the other was taking her mom to the hospital.
I begrudge them nothing because they have been on the phone with me every day since. Both came to Shiva, one with her boyfriend, who is a sweetie. Most of my friends are long distance and cyber friends.

You all have been like family in your concern for me. My cyber friends come from all different web sights, weight loss, WLS, Shrinkwraplive, as well as my Crohns site, have all been watching out for me.

Friendship is something I never in my first 35 years of life really thought I needed. I had only one close friend from jr. high school. The rest were acquaintances.

It has taken me a very long time to accept that the basis of friendship is a caring about one another. The ability sometimes to agree to disagree but still enjoy the persons company. Knowing that bad jokes will be laughed at. That when it comes down to it, all you need between you and a friend is the knowledge that you or they can say "We'll get through this, together"

Thank you for letting me call you all friends. May I be able to comfort you as you have for me. May I be able to laugh at your bad jokes as you do me. May I be free to tell you what I believe as I would have you do for me.

Now, wipe those tears and have a wonderful week.

Oh, I will get to Mr. Silent and my medical issues in a bit.

I have an EEG in the morning and I am not allowed my meds. I am just this side of pain.

Chapter 3: Moving time is near

Since I am not too tired I will go on to Chapter 3: Moving time is near.

On November 30th I am getting the phone/cablemodem online/digital cable installed. Got a great one year deal of $95.57 for all three services.
Gas and ELectric will be changed over into my name on December 1.

Moving day: December 1, 2006.

So far I have cleaned out 90% of the crap I had in my apt. My brother and I took all of my dads clothes to charity and I moved all my clothes up to my folks apt so that we can pack in one or two wardrobe boxes.

I found an online web site where you can set up rooms in cyber space and have taken the dimensions of all the furniture. I have a floor plan of the apt so I pretty much, after playing with the online program, know where everything is going.

I will take pics after we move in and it is all arranged.

I am SOOOO looking forward to getting out of here. My mom and I need to get away from the sickness feelings that linger in the room dad used. I can't enter the room because all I see is my dad on the floor.

I have developed a great hatred of the apts and the building in general.

Bad Karma going to Good Karma. End of one lifetime, beginning of a new one.

Chapter 2: Feelings about my dad and sadness

Okay,
chapter 2.


I am doing alright. I get the sad feelings every so often.
Like the other day I was cleaning out my desk to get ready to move and I found some hair clips. For some reason I got so sad. I remembered when I was younger my dad would play "Mr. Irving" the hair dresser to me. I always loved getting my head rubbed and my dad would comb out my hair and either braid it or put a clip in it for a pony tail.
I found tears in my eyes remembering that.

I also get the sad feelings when I know I just can't go into his room and say "hey there Pop!"

But, overall, I know that he is soaring high, hanging in the cosmos, in no pain, having a grand time.

I don't yet feel him around me like I do my grandmother, but I am hoping that someday I will feel he is there. Actually, I hope he is watching his granddaughters and smiling"

Chapter 1: You do the crime, you do the time....

Now it is going to take a while for me to get through all these things.
I may have to save it and then when I am not too tired come back and add to it all. Let's see how far I can get.

Chapter 1: Do the crime, do the time.
The police arrested the aide last Friday and charged her with Grand Larceny in the 4 degree, She stole more than $1000 but less than $3000 so it is only 4th degree. But, she now has a record and her prints are on file. She sat in jail all weekend and was arraigned on Monday. Her friend posted her bail.

She has admitted to the ATM card stealing but not to stealing cash or my dads ring. Her word is worth shit though considering that back in 2005 the son of the person she works for put in a police report of missing Jewelry and this aide was questioned. No one thought it was her though. I am hoping that the DA will put two and two together and charge her in this other case. The jewelry in that case was worth over $10K.

Now, the aide had the balls to call and apologize to my mother, she gave some excuse. She then asked to speak with me. She apologized and I basically told her that her apology is worthless and to me she needs to make restitution to me, as well as fess up about the other missing cash, my dad's ring and as it turns out a ring that was my moms. That wasn't worth alot but come on now.

She assured me that she did not take anything other than the ATM card. I told her that her word is worthless and I expect my money back. As for pressing charges, I told her it was up to the DA. I still would want her ass rotting in a jail.

My father taught his children right from wrong. He taught us personal responsibility.

Honey, you do the crime, you will be doing the time.

And I gotta rest.

I will come back for the next chapter in a while.

Thank you and I will be adding to my tale

Here is my outline:
1. do the crime do the time
2. dealing with sadness
3. moving
4. friendship
5. relationships
6. right cerebral dysfuntion.

Stay tuned. I have too much to do before the move.

OOOH, I feel just like an author.

Love ya my friends