I will be, even though I am not so sure I want to, going down to my bro in Virginia for the week of Passover. Jazzy is being taken care of by a friend. I want to visit with my nieces, especially Ava, who is now almost 9 months old; go into DC for the Cherry Blossom Festival; and one or two museums, but I really don't care if I am around either of my brothers. Lately I just have been feeling like I do not exist to them.
I am going because I don't want my mom home April 4th, her wedding anniversary. I wish I could just put her on Amtrak and then come back here to Long Beach and crawl under the covers and ignore the entire week. Everyone is telling me I need to grieve more. Being with my family is going to be one big cry fest and I just don't want to be in the middle of it. I want to sit on the porch and listen to the ocean. I want to go downstairs to the apt's gym and just work out. I want to watch tons of videos and go to see a movie or two. I want to not make any decisions. I want a week to grieve in my own way, in my own time.
I just miss my dad...
********
I am tired. It has been one long friggin week. Wednesday I spent all day at Social Services in Uniondale sitting on my butt waiting to be called to have my application for Temporary Assistance and Food stamps. 9AM to 4pm.
Friday I had to go to Mineola, NUMC(Nassau University Medical Center or as I like to call it "Government bull shit Medical Center" to be deemed or not deemed unfit to work so I can get the Temporary Assistance and continue with the food stamps. Four hours there.
Today I had my triannual (?) defensive driving class and was sitting for another three hours.
I am tired, I am in pain, and my butt is so flat from all the damn sitting.
At least I have been using the gym downstairs. I use the bike and the work out ball for balance and crunches. I also, yesterday went for my first PT in the pool. I felt like a kid in a candy factory I was so happy to be back in the water again.
I did discover though that it will definitely be a while until I can swim laps again. My kicking back wards with my left leg is really difficult which means I would have a problem doing the crawl. Ah, well, all in good time.
So, to all, if I am going to Viriginia I wish a happy passover or/and a great easter.
Be back as soon as I can.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Government agencies. Are they the devils work?
Government agencys suck. I know they are a necessary evil.
I spent 8 hours just to get a case opened so that I could get food stamps and emergency medicaid.
8 hours and now I have to go to one of the government doctors on Fridayat 9pm and then back to Social Services on April 10 for a final evaluation at 2pm.
Alright, at least I do have foodstamps now that will help me out with higher quality foods during each month.
I am exhausted.
I spent 8 hours just to get a case opened so that I could get food stamps and emergency medicaid.
8 hours and now I have to go to one of the government doctors on Fridayat 9pm and then back to Social Services on April 10 for a final evaluation at 2pm.
Alright, at least I do have foodstamps now that will help me out with higher quality foods during each month.
I am exhausted.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Perfect weather, a most wonderous day.
This is what a perfect day is. A walk on the boardwalk.A cuddle with Jazzy McShortie,
and a stroll through the city of Long Beach.
Sure beats the blues to a major pulp.
Sure beats the blues to a major pulp.
If you look really hard you can see NYC in the background.Friday, March 23, 2007
Life's outlook.
Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses. -- Allophones Karr
This quoted statement was posted on Sharons CK journal/blog. I think it is perfect. I needed it and am grateful to her for bringing it to me.
This quoted statement was posted on Sharons CK journal/blog. I think it is perfect. I needed it and am grateful to her for bringing it to me.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Extra! Extra! Get the update and continued story here!!!
So, when last we left our heroine, the train had hit the brick wall and pieces went flying all over the place.
I just was speechless. I managed to ask her when I was going to have my lumbar puncture. Her answer, "Oh, we decided to send you home and then you can come back in a few weeks as an out patient."
I said "That is completely unacceptable and just plain stupid. I have been sitting in this hospital for almost two weeks and you guys aren't going to do for me the one thing I KNOW will help me out?" I am so happy I did not have a stone to throw at her back as she left.
About 10 seconds later my friend Cathy called and I just lost it. COMPLETELY. I started crying and crying and all I wanted was someone to give me a very sharp razor blade or a bottle of narcotics. All the pain from all these 22 years of dealing with health issue came flooding into my head and heart and soul and I could not stop them.
Cathy said she was coming over.
A minute later my mom came in and I cried all over her and felt like nothing. I felt like a liar, a hypocondriac, a whiny baby, you name it I felt it and I was lower than ant poop.
I was so damn distraught my mom asked the head nurse to have the Psychiatrist who works in the hospital come and talk to me.
I let that idiot Physician Assistant get to me. I allowed one stupid person to negate every positive thing I had done over the years to live as well as I can with what I have.
Sooooooooo,
that was Monday afternoon. Monday later in the afternoon, my mom talked to my nurse and found out that the PA had scheduled the lumbar puncture for Tuesday morning. Course the PA never came back in to let me know this.
Tuesday, I got 20 miligrams of valium and the lumbar puncture. Valium helped me not look for sharp objects and the Radiologist was amazing with the puncture. I was just laying on my tummy under the floroscope chatting with the assistant and all of a sudden the doctors says "Okay, I'm in. Lets drain you." Just like that. No pain at all.
My spinal pressure was too high, higher than the last one in January, so he drained me until I was on the low normal side. I should be fine for about 3 months, hopefully.
I had to be on my back for 5 hours afterwards, I slept alot, got tylenol for the headaches you get after a spinal fluid drain and managed to keep myself on an even level.
Wednesday, I spent an hour and a half with the Psychiatric Liason, an MSW. Very nice lady.
I just opened up my mouth and words spewed out. Very cathartic. Things that I have never told even to my own therapist came out of my mouth. I cried, I ranted, I laughed, I talked.
By the end, all I was was tired. I was no longer lower than Ant poop.
But, I was exceptionally angry. (More later on what happened after I got home and spoke with the Neuro's office manager regarding that incident)
I came home Wednesday evening and my little boy, oh, goodness, I almost didn't recognize him, he looked so scruffy and furry. He was one long fur ball. He was so happy to see me and I, him.
It took three days for him to stop being attached to my hip.
My mom really did a great job with Jazz training wise. She kept up with his sit and stay commands and he is doing nicely with them. He even listens to me now much better. He is still puppyish in his playing, but he is learning not to jump on people now.
Man, did I miss my Shortie (his nick name when I do not use Jazz)
I am tired right now. I will continue again soon.
I just was speechless. I managed to ask her when I was going to have my lumbar puncture. Her answer, "Oh, we decided to send you home and then you can come back in a few weeks as an out patient."
I said "That is completely unacceptable and just plain stupid. I have been sitting in this hospital for almost two weeks and you guys aren't going to do for me the one thing I KNOW will help me out?" I am so happy I did not have a stone to throw at her back as she left.
About 10 seconds later my friend Cathy called and I just lost it. COMPLETELY. I started crying and crying and all I wanted was someone to give me a very sharp razor blade or a bottle of narcotics. All the pain from all these 22 years of dealing with health issue came flooding into my head and heart and soul and I could not stop them.
Cathy said she was coming over.
A minute later my mom came in and I cried all over her and felt like nothing. I felt like a liar, a hypocondriac, a whiny baby, you name it I felt it and I was lower than ant poop.
I was so damn distraught my mom asked the head nurse to have the Psychiatrist who works in the hospital come and talk to me.
I let that idiot Physician Assistant get to me. I allowed one stupid person to negate every positive thing I had done over the years to live as well as I can with what I have.
Sooooooooo,
that was Monday afternoon. Monday later in the afternoon, my mom talked to my nurse and found out that the PA had scheduled the lumbar puncture for Tuesday morning. Course the PA never came back in to let me know this.
Tuesday, I got 20 miligrams of valium and the lumbar puncture. Valium helped me not look for sharp objects and the Radiologist was amazing with the puncture. I was just laying on my tummy under the floroscope chatting with the assistant and all of a sudden the doctors says "Okay, I'm in. Lets drain you." Just like that. No pain at all.
My spinal pressure was too high, higher than the last one in January, so he drained me until I was on the low normal side. I should be fine for about 3 months, hopefully.
I had to be on my back for 5 hours afterwards, I slept alot, got tylenol for the headaches you get after a spinal fluid drain and managed to keep myself on an even level.
Wednesday, I spent an hour and a half with the Psychiatric Liason, an MSW. Very nice lady.
I just opened up my mouth and words spewed out. Very cathartic. Things that I have never told even to my own therapist came out of my mouth. I cried, I ranted, I laughed, I talked.
By the end, all I was was tired. I was no longer lower than Ant poop.
But, I was exceptionally angry. (More later on what happened after I got home and spoke with the Neuro's office manager regarding that incident)
I came home Wednesday evening and my little boy, oh, goodness, I almost didn't recognize him, he looked so scruffy and furry. He was one long fur ball. He was so happy to see me and I, him.
It took three days for him to stop being attached to my hip.
My mom really did a great job with Jazz training wise. She kept up with his sit and stay commands and he is doing nicely with them. He even listens to me now much better. He is still puppyish in his playing, but he is learning not to jump on people now.
Man, did I miss my Shortie (his nick name when I do not use Jazz)
I am tired right now. I will continue again soon.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Nothing like a Two week holiday, and this wasn't that.
Okay,
so where was I when we last left off? .....
Go to Neurologist,who first asks, 'why didn't you come in yesterday?'
Can you say "F--- you?"
He says go to emergency room. I beg for a few days. I had a date with Mitchell that night and was going to a dinner with friends and psychic readings that coming Tuesday. I promise I would go to ER on Wednesday morning.
Guess where I end up that afternoon?
I got every neurological test under the sun.
Lets see...
CAT scan
EKG
EEG
Echocardiogram
MRI with and without contrast
MRA
MRV
Lumbar MRI
TEE(Trans esophogeal echocardiogram: done through an endoscope and the tool (?) can get the heart from the bottom up. Used to see if there are any blood clots waiting to travel. All I can say is, good IV drugs to put you out.
Lumbar Spinal Tap.
About 10 different blood work ups.
Positives:
Food was pretty tasty during my stay.
Believe it or not they had a really great vegi burger.
I had low cholesterol/low sodium diet but I learned to use sweet coleslaw on things.
Really great nurses, aides, PT's and OT's.
I did not have a stroke.
Negatives:
My Neuro groups newest doctor and the Physician Assistant. Two people with no business being allowed near patients.
Being far away from my Jazzy. He was so lonely. He finally curled up to my mom which was great but I was lonely too. My mom would put me on speaker phone and I would talk to my boy. He must have gone nuts trying to find me . I always heard him racing around and barking.
Putting my friends through not knowing where I was. It took a few days to reach my in person friends and without my wonderful adopted Momma Bess, my cyber friends would have continued to worry.
Really Negatives:
"According to these reports, there is nothing neurologically wrong with you. It's all mental, due to stress."
Now read back, oh say up where I said something about a Physician Assistant who should not be allowed anywhere near patients...That was what she said to me after my last test but before my lumbar spinal tap. I do have a herniated disc L4/L5 (which I already knew). But "All these reports say that it is not impinging on a nerve so that it wouldn't be causing you to not be able to walk without a walker".
AH, excuse me? So, you are basically saying that all my pain, herniated lumbar disc and headaches, and slurred words, weak left side, and all the shit I have been dealing with over the last year and a half is all in my(excuse the bad pun here people) head?
Ever see yourself as a train just as you are slamming straight into a brick wall.
Splat, then BOOM, pieces of me all over the place.
I am going to publish this now, I will continue when I get the rest of my "Head" together... ;)
so where was I when we last left off? .....
Go to Neurologist,who first asks, 'why didn't you come in yesterday?'
Can you say "F--- you?"
He says go to emergency room. I beg for a few days. I had a date with Mitchell that night and was going to a dinner with friends and psychic readings that coming Tuesday. I promise I would go to ER on Wednesday morning.
Guess where I end up that afternoon?
I got every neurological test under the sun.
Lets see...
CAT scan
EKG
EEG
Echocardiogram
MRI with and without contrast
MRA
MRV
Lumbar MRI
TEE(Trans esophogeal echocardiogram: done through an endoscope and the tool (?) can get the heart from the bottom up. Used to see if there are any blood clots waiting to travel. All I can say is, good IV drugs to put you out.
Lumbar Spinal Tap.
About 10 different blood work ups.
Positives:
Food was pretty tasty during my stay.
Believe it or not they had a really great vegi burger.
I had low cholesterol/low sodium diet but I learned to use sweet coleslaw on things.
Really great nurses, aides, PT's and OT's.
I did not have a stroke.
Negatives:
My Neuro groups newest doctor and the Physician Assistant. Two people with no business being allowed near patients.
Being far away from my Jazzy. He was so lonely. He finally curled up to my mom which was great but I was lonely too. My mom would put me on speaker phone and I would talk to my boy. He must have gone nuts trying to find me . I always heard him racing around and barking.
Putting my friends through not knowing where I was. It took a few days to reach my in person friends and without my wonderful adopted Momma Bess, my cyber friends would have continued to worry.
Really Negatives:
"According to these reports, there is nothing neurologically wrong with you. It's all mental, due to stress."
Now read back, oh say up where I said something about a Physician Assistant who should not be allowed anywhere near patients...That was what she said to me after my last test but before my lumbar spinal tap. I do have a herniated disc L4/L5 (which I already knew). But "All these reports say that it is not impinging on a nerve so that it wouldn't be causing you to not be able to walk without a walker".
AH, excuse me? So, you are basically saying that all my pain, herniated lumbar disc and headaches, and slurred words, weak left side, and all the shit I have been dealing with over the last year and a half is all in my(excuse the bad pun here people) head?
Ever see yourself as a train just as you are slamming straight into a brick wall.
Splat, then BOOM, pieces of me all over the place.
I am going to publish this now, I will continue when I get the rest of my "Head" together... ;)
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Two steps forward, one step back
Tired. Headache. Can't speak the right words.
Left side weak.
PT won't let me do any exercises. Lets me call the Neurology office as an emergency
"No, ma'am, we don't consider this an emergency, the doctor is booked full. He can see you tomorrow at 10am. If you feel worse we suggest you go to the emergency room."
Too tired to argue. Mom argues. We come home and I take my pills like a good little girl and hope tomorrow is better.
No self pity. Just a statement from South Parks Cartman: "Fuck you guys, I'm going home."
I was doing so well. Two steps forward, one step back....
Night all.
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