Medical Tests and Really good drugs

First off, let me just say this:
SPINAL TAPS FUCKING HURT LIKE HELL!

Ah, that done, Intra muscular valium is a nice nice drug but does not stop the pain. It just kept me from throwing a hissy fit when the needle went in.
It took about an hour, thirty to get the damn needle into my spine properly and thirty to get the pressure from a whopping 300 down to 70.
Normal is between 60 and 180. I was flat on my stomach under fluroscope for the test and then rolled to be flat on my back for five hours afterwards. Percoset is a nice drug. I came home and slept at my folks. I woke up with a massive headache. I could not stand up at all without someone holding me. I called the neurologist who said I needed to stay on my back for the rest of the weekend.

Just remember folks. SPINAL TAPS FUCKING SUCK.

Reality

Lease is signed.
Management has been told. I held my tongue and was nice.
My folks and I will be getting our security deposit back.

Next up:
Lumbar puncture. Gonna be taking lots and lots of valium today, tomorrow and Friday (IV on Friday)

Unofficially I have now lost a total of................60 pounds since December 2005. I am shooting for another 20 by December 31,2006.

Reality, what a concept.


One last thing:
"Eat to live, do not live to eat."

More people need to get a grip on this concept.

New digs

Today at 4 pm we sign a one year lease on the apt in Long Beach.
December 15 or so we move in. December 20th I plan on having my nervous breakdown.
I am dealing with elderly parents, two brothers, my own medical issues and a needy puppy.
Can I just suck my thumb and eat ice cream all I want?....

Relationships

I believe I took my first step into the world of relationships with one statement...

"I am moving in with my folks for a year in Long Beach."

"What happens after a year?"

"After a year, since I have noone begging me to stay, I will probably move down to Virginia to be near my nieces."

Dead silence at that point...

Short of saying, well are you going to get serious about me, I believe he got the message...

Finally.

Todays Horoscope

Cancer
If you get too fixated on results, you could lose all sense of joy and inspiration. Stop being so practical and focus on the journey, not the destination. After all, without a sense of joy, the results are worthless.

A bit emotional at the moment

I got a call from my neurologist and he wants me to move up the spinal tap. So now it is scheduled for Sept 29th.

TERRIFIED!!!! That's me.

I have to call up Social Security and reschedule a phone interview for SSI. It was to be on the 29th.

Today was not a good day balance wise. The dizziness and feeling off balance would not go away and my eyes seem to be taking the brunt of it. This may look normal size writing but I am actually typing it with a very large font.

There is a part of me that hopes that my spinal fluid level is too high and after they take the excess out I will do better for a time. The other part of me hopes the levels are normal. I do not want to face a life of spinal taps every six months or so to keep levels proper.
I can't get a shunt in the chest due to asthma (shunt would normally go from brain to chest area where the excess is absorbed and then naturally gotten rid of, too easy to get an infection) and I can't get a shunt in the stomach area because of the Crohns disease (too easy for infections to start).
If the levels are normal then my neurologist is going to scratch his head and probably retest me for everything under the sun. My mom and I are whispering the initials MS. This time I am not going to put the cart before the horse. I don't want MS.

Long Beach, here we come!!!!!!!!!

Just waiting for the lease so my mom can sign it and we are good to go by Dec 15th.

Life just got a whole lot easier and a whole lot more complicated at the same time.

One year, just one year living with my folks. Then reassess.

The horse must have been pushing the cart...

Putting the cart before the horse

That is what my mom says I do all the time. I think things out to their conclusions and have every duck in a row before things actually happen. This is why I get my butt kicked all over when things do not go the way I envisioned them.

Well, I have to say, even though my butt may be kicked, so far so good regarding the apt.
My mom would be the name on the lease and her credit rating is and I quote the agent "Spectacular". The agent faxed over all the info to the condo owners agent and thinks we should hear something today.

My "cart" is definitely in front of the "horse" with this one. I so want it to be a done deal so that I can tell the management company of where I live right now to go fuck themselves.

I was thinking this morning while I was walking Jazzy that once in the apt, after a nice long walk, Jazz and I could come back to the apt and hang out on the balcony.'

Once, just once, let this cart go first...

If we could just turn the gallons into crude oil...

I was over at CK just reading blogs and Jennie(Scaleho) wrote something that was fun:

I just read something that helps me visualize the loss of fat. I read on *cough* another website that a gallon jug holds six pounds of fat. I love that I can picture my 12 lbs. lost as TWO gallon jugs of jiggly yellow crud. Lovely!

I have now lost 56 pounds. That is a bit over 9 gallon jugs of oily gross fat. If I could just turn that into gasoline, I could fill my car up to three quarters full.

Interesting visualization. I don't know if you read this Jennie, but thanks for the idea! :)

And now, something completely serious

I spoke to my Neurologist yesterday. He is not happy that my dizziness is not improving with the PT. He wants me to get a spinal tap done.
Now, if I ever wanted to throw a tantrum, crawl into a ball, suck my thumb and wet my panties, it would have been exactly the time he said "Spinal Tap".

And it is not the pseudo rock group....

I have had to have 5 taps done in the past 15 years. From the first one I found I get frantic and cannot deal with it. I mean CANNOT DEAL WITH IT.
#4 I almost kicked my then neurologist in the nuts it hurt so much.

#5 I had to be given IV light sedation and have it done under floroscope. I still wimpered and cried and according to the radiologist, cursed the day he was born.

So, #6 will be the middle of October.

SHIT.

6th fill is a winner

I went in on Friday for my 6th fill of my gastric band. We got a keeper. I have to be on liquids till tomorrow night but even with soup I can only down about 8 ounces before I am full. Can't wait to see how I do back on food.

Weighed in 2 pounds less than last month. Not much, but it was still a scale loss.

just a giggle

A compliment


A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." He never heard the shot....

Walk from Obesity tomorrow

I promised to do this NYC walk tomorrow. Just two miles but I have to catch the bus around 7am. Yuck!!!

I am really not a joiner but I figured that a nice walk around Riverside park with about a 1000 other people is something to do.
It is suppose to be nice out and I have no excuse not to do this.
It will be interesting walking with other WLS people. Pre op's, post ops, very post ops...

And, I get tee shirts. 18/20's :) see below...

Clothing sizes

So, I have coupons for Lane Bryant. I need new bras. I go to LB. I get bras. I then go for mental broke and try on a few shirts in size 18/20. Hot Damn they fit. A touch snug but nothing to say no to. 18/20 top. WOW. One year ago I was wearing a size 28/30.
Makes the day wonderful.

Hissy fits and gentle tantrums

Well, I guess hissy fits and tantrums win out. :(

I suppose that I like a really good tantrum now and then. It is just that over the years my tantrums did nothing but make my day miserable. I could scream and rant and rage as good as the next person. I have gotten tired of the hissy fit and tantrum lately. Especially with my medical issues. How can one throw a tantrum when they know the situation is totally out of their control? But then again, maybe they are the best ones...?

It isn't that I deal with all the shit that goes on in my life gracefully, rather I deal with it first by considering all the bad and negative things that could be. Then I make myself stop and repeat, almost as a mantra "There are only two things in this world that are so important, Life and Death. You are alive and not dead, therefore, go out and enjoy the day. Laugh at nothing, laugh at everything.

Then again, maybe soon, I could give in and pout for a while.

Cancer
There will always be stresses present in day-to-day living. You can throw a tantrum like a kid, or you can learn to deal with them gracefully. Do so, and you'll increase your sense of humor and your inner joy.


Hell yes!

Here are some pictures I took of the apt. I found out that there is a roof garden that everyone who lives in the building has access to. The outdoor shots are either on the balconies or on that roof.
http://s112.photobucket.com/albums/n197/sandgee1962/apartment/

Yes, the place looks really messy. But I can see it in my head after the owner replaces the carpet and paints. I also can see Jazz and I up on that roof playing a game of fetch. Just not with a bouncy ball.

Two rooms I did not take pics of are the two bedrooms. The one with the pic is the master bedroom. I would take over the two other rooms.

I have convinced my folks to make an offer so I will talk to the agent tomorrow and see what is next.

This ones for Vicki's: Breaking down barriers.....#10

"Barrier: I've tried to exercise regularly in the past and failed. "


I remember this barrier as the biggest one for me concerning exercise.
I realize now that I was not exercising regularly. I was fooling myself.

It is really a mind game.
I walked yesterday for an hour, today I can take it easy.
I swam once already, I can take a day off.

The way to end that barrier was and is consistency. I may not run marathons, nor miles upon miles of biking, but I do something to elevate my heart rate every day. It may be 30 minutes, it may be 2 hours, but it is something.
I think that this way is the best way for me.
Physically and mentally.

Thanks Vicki, for the topic.

Getting Closer

Talked to the rental agent regarding the Long Beach Apt. The owner is going to put down new carpet and paint. One thing down.

I made an appointment with the agent to see the place again. This time I will take pics and take a tape measure.

I asked the agent about price negotiations and she believes that if we put in an offer we can probably end up paying $250 less than quoted.

I also did some phone work for my parents regarding their auto insurance and home insurance.
I was amazed to see the prices they were paying. Well, that is now being taken care of.
I love being able to save people a couple thousand a year.

I have now officially taken over my parents bookkeeping. My mom even gave me an offical title: Administrative Officer and Head Bookkeeper.

Pay's shit but I do get free meals. :)

September 11th

All I still see in my head is the towers falling.
I still feel numb.

Zen and Apartment hunting

(From the balcony of the apt my mom and I saw. This is not a pic I took. It was not overcast today.)

Went today with my mom and Jazz to meet the agent for a 3 bd/2bth apt in Long Beach, NY.
The second we walked into the building to wait for the agent I had such a sense of peace and well being come over me.
There was a concierge and when a visitor comes in they have to sign in.

I lost the lump that had been sitting in my stomach and I just felt calm.

We looked at an apt on the 8th floor. The building I think has 10 floors.

My first impression when I walked in was, damn this place is a fucking mess. The people renting there now are in the middle of moving to a house. It took me a few minutes to get past the clutter. Jazzy took to it immediately and found their cat.

Okay, you come in the front door and turn left. The first thing you see is a large balcony that overlooks the ocean on one side and the street on the other. Then there is a large kitchen with D/W microwave etc.. that opens up to a HUGE Living room. We are talking it could be a studio apt all on its own.
Going back the other way is a large closet then a bathroom, nice size but needs a good cleaning. Then there are two bedrooms, not too small not too large. Another closet on the right with a Washer/Dryer.
Then the master bedroom. Another huge room. The bathroom has two sinks, shower and jaccuzzi tub. And the balcony. Again looks both onto the ocean and onto the street.
It was, even with all the clutter and mess, very airy, lots, tons of light.
Only water is included though.
There are also two parking spaces reserved which is incredibly important during the summer and there is no street parking.

It is expensive, but so far that is the only down side. I asked my mom for her gut feeling, no logic, no reasoning, just gut. She said "This is what I have always wanted". That, along with the very calming positive vibes I felt, means that it is very high on the list. We will work out the money.

It was very interesting how I felt the whole time I was in this building.
I know some people do not believe in karma or psychi inner eye but I swear that from the second I was in that building all my stress and such were gone. Even with all the mess, I felt a light and floaty type of feeling in that apt. Incredibly Zen, purely intuitive emotion.
Even if we do not get this apt, I know that moving into a place similar, with the same airy feeling and a kick ass balcony, will be the best thing for all of us.

I faced the Doughnut.

Now that my drama queen tantrum is calming down, I am slowly regaining my taste for food.

My mom brought home a dozen Dunkin Donuts last night.

I opened the box and swear I smelled heaven.

I closed the box and said I would have some if I finish my dinner.
Had dinner. Could not eat anymore, so I did not have any of the donuts.

Three hours later, I had half an iced donut and actually put the other half back into the box. It was wonderful and more than enough.

Wow, is that what normal people do with food? Not shove it down your throat as though it were your last meal?

What a concept.

Just a thank you to everyone who has been putting up with me lately.
Also a thank you for your pm's and blog comments etc etc...

When you feel like nothing it is very nice to find that you are something to someone.

I spend an hour with my therapist and she helped me get my three year old child under control. After the paralyzing fear and anxiety eased off a bit, I put all the paperwork I had to do into a bag, took it and Jazzy up to my folks.
I actually got in a small dinner. Inside of an eggroll and an ounce of chicken lo mein. I attempted a bite of a donut but that didn't go well.
Think of a dry sponge going into a small wet pouch. OUCH.

After I regained myself and the sponge went down finally,
I sat my butt down at my mothers writing desk and started to go through the papers.
It took me three hours but I have all my envelopes and checks to go with them done and ready for mailing.
I have my application for Empire Blue Individual health insurance ready to go out on the 15th so it will start as of Nov 1. I am just waiting on a letter of continuous coverage from my current insurance provider.
I have envelopes made out to the medical records dept. of the various hospitals I have been in. I just have to pen a letter to them with the proper information so they can send me all my medical records. I fear that expense will be huge.

Tomorrow mom and I go see apts. We discussed the possibility of renting a house if the price was right. It is not out of the realm of possibility.

Panic and Anxiety

Thats all.
I am in the middle of it and it is paralyzing me.
I ate one egg and a handful of baked potato chips. I drank 20 ounces of protein drink. These have been the only things I have been able to put down my throat in the past 48 hours due to stressing out.

The hardest part here is I have my logical grown up side arguing with my 3 year old defensless child. I know things will work out alright. I feel like I am getting the crap beaten out of me by a mean nasty cruel world. At the moment the beating is winning.

I called my therapist though and got an appt with her for 1pm today. I always feel like such a schmuck when I feel like I need someone to take care of me to get me through all this.

Sigh, three steps forward, one step back...

The little boy is home

I had a miserable night without my Jazzy with me.
Picked him up around 11am and we came home. The poor little guy has that dumb cone around his neck and head. No dignity left.

We climbed into bed and either slept or watched TV till 5pm.
His pain killers wore off and my heart hurts hearing his crying. So I got him to eat some food and gave him another pill.

I hope I can keep that cone on him for a few more days. He already figured out how to open the velcro strip.

His baby teeth are all out now. He is not in pain with that, he downed his dinner fine.

But, he still has a slight ear infection. I got some new meds and maybe, just maybe Jazz will sit still long enough for them to stay in his ear.

I tear up when I think about how little Jazzy asks of me and how much he has given to me in the 5 months he has been with me. Somehow he got into my soul and even though it sounds ridiculous to say this about a dog, I finally know what being "in love" with someone feels like. My heart was torn up when he was not with me yesterday. My heart was happy when he came home. I can no longer imagine not living my life with him.

What a wonderous and dangerously powerful feeling that is.

Apartment Hunting

Hopefully Mom and I will go see an apt in this building in Long Beach,NY.

It is a 3 bd/2bth. It has a view of the Atlantic Ocean, and pets are allowed. Parking available, Central air conditioning and washer/dryer in the apt. There is a deck which my mom would love. It is right off the boardwalk.

It is expensive to rent in Long Beach but with me living with my folks it is doable. It will be available December 2006.

I have two agents working on finding something.

We shall see.

Results not Typical

For the umpteenth thousandth time I saw another one of those TV ads for this or that type of weight loss product.

I love the little disclaimer that is always on the lower part of the screen when a testimonial is being given:

"Results not Typical"

Now, I am fully aware that a product would not sell if you had the typical persons results show up but hell, I would give a dollar or two to the commercial that had testimonials from the typical results.

"I took this product and all I lost was $50.00 and shipping and handling."

Now that would be fun.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have had the day from all levels of Dante's Hell.

I had a emotional and mental breakdown of epic proportions.

I was a major drama queen.

Started with taking Jazzy in to get neutered and I cried all the way home after I left him with the vet.

Continued with posting things that are not mine to give a damn about. If it doesn't offend others it should not offend me.

All day long I was lonely with out my little boy. I kept making sure that my feet did not move around under my desk because that is where Jazz loves to sleep while I surf.

I called around 5 pm to see if Jazz was ready to come home. The nurse said that because of two emergency surgeries that Jazz had just finished surgery and was still asleep. They were going to keep him overnight to monitor him. All went well.

I went to get the mail and my parents mail. Took it up to them. Got a letter from my disability Lawyer who had gotten a letter from a doctor who I had seen back in 1994 or 1995. That doctor says I was never there. More than likely my files were purged. I now have to call that doctor and argue that he certainly did see me, he even carved a piece of me out during a bout of Crohns.

I also got a notice from my apt's management company that dogs are not allowed and they suggest that I consider getting rid of the dog or they will evict me.

I fell apart.

I know damn well that the management is singling me out due to my slip and fall law suit.

I feel so damn defeated right now.

I will move from my apartment. That does not bother me in and of itself. I would rather live in a shit hole than give up my dog.

What it is is that I feel guilty inside. This little dog, he has given me back a sense of myself. He has taken me out of myself. He came into my life and made me so much more whole.

FUCK THEM FUCK THEM FUCK THEM.

I gave up today.

My motto has always been, "Giving up is not an option" Today it was the only option.

I have nothing. I am right now feeling no self worth. I feel like I am justifying my existence all over the place.

I need to apologize to myself tonight for giving in and giving up.

So, this is what I did after I got through with feeling lower than ant poop. I got together with my parents and we talked. They have been wanting to move to Long Beach, NY. I cannot financially live on my own any longer.

We do not know how long my dad will last. His Leukemia is back and the chemo is not working as well this time around.

So, tomorrow, my mom and I will start looking for three bedroom apts in Long Beach. Together we can consolidate some expenses and afford a nice place.

After a year, if things get better, more definite, Then another plan of action can commence. If my dad is still with us, we would stay. If he is not, we would probably move down to Virginia to be near my nieces.

I still feel kind of lower than ant poop and I will probably not sleep much tonight, I will miss my boys butt against my back, but I am back to knowing that I am a fortunate person.

I have family who cares about me and will not let anything bad happen to me.

I know completely that I am capable of loving with all my heart and soul that to be without my dog for one night gives me pain.

Someone (hi Susan) when I posted this to another site reminded me of something very very important. I did not go to food to feel better.

" Instead you identified the main issues, discussed them with your mom, and came up with a plan."

What was especially interesting was that while I was writing this, and crying and being angry etc etc... is that I just knew that eating junk food was not any kind of answer for me. That would be like adding insult to injury. I will have to get something down but I just have no desire to eat anything.

Mentally I was considering the junk food in my folks fridge. They have great ice cream and those milky way minis. There is also an apple pie. I just have no desire to actually eat them. Hmmm, maybe mentally I had the binglet and did not need the real thing...

Perhaps that is the true sense of self. When you in some way shape or form do treat yourself with kindness.

Your fate has been decided....

I decided to see what level of hell I could call home:

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv

Your fate has been decided....
You are one of the lucky ones! Because of your virtue and beliefs, you have escaped eternal punishment. You are sent to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!

First Level of Hell - Limbo
Charon ushers you across the river Acheron, and you find yourself upon the brink of grief's abysmal valley. You are in Limbo, a place of sorrow without torment. You encounter a seven-walled castle, and within those walls you find rolling fresh meadows illuminated by the light of reason, whereabout many shades dwell. These are the virtuous pagans, the great philosophers and authors, unbaptised children, and others unfit to enter the kingdom of heaven. You share company with Caesar, Homer, Virgil, Socrates, and Aristotle. There is no punishment here, and the atmosphere is peaceful, yet sad.

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level / Who are sent there? / Score
Purgatory Repenting Believers Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo Virtuous Non-Believers High
Level 2 Lustful High
Level 3 Gluttonous High
Level 4 Prodigal and Avaricious Very Low
Level 5 Wrathful and Gloomy Low
Level 6 The City of Dis Heretics High
Level 7 Violence Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus Treacherous Low

I am tired.

I am tired of thinking today.
I am tired of justifying my existence to everyone, even myself.

This is who I am, damaged in mind, body and soul.
Believe that people are good.. Hurt when I see that many are really just nasty bastards.

Inside of me, every single day, there is an internal war that goes on.
Did I say something stupid?
Did what I say hurt someone in some way?
Why do I think I have anything worthwhile to say?
Why can't I just shut the hell up?

I am tired of trying to understand.
I am tired of smiling
I am tired of being the nice person

I am most tired of my body not doing what I want it to do no matter what I attempt to do to help it.

I have been saying "Giving up is not an option."
Right now, at this exact moment I want to give up.

and no amount of dandelions is going to get me over it.

There will be no little Jazzy's after tomorrow

My little sweetie is getting neutered tomorrow morning.

I know it is best. I am going to be the one crying though when I drop him off at the Vet. He won't know anything different. He loves Dr. Rose and the nurses.

I remember the day I got him. May 1, 2006. Thought I had just made the dumbest mistake of my life.

Right now I can't imagine my life without this little guy. I love his puppy kisses. I love that he is too smart for me. I love that he learns so easily. He is my little boy and I love him completely.

Dandelion break again...

Post CK boredom

Deep Sigh,
I am going through withdrawl pains from CK.

I have limited myself to 5 minutes looking thru the threads and blogs. I pick and choose which ones I will go back to.

I find myself very bored today.
I did not plan anything for the day and the water is too cold at the apt pool to swim. I don't sit in the sun very well for long so I just got in a half hour of rays.
I did walk Jazzy for an hour. That was fun and he had a ball.

Tomorrow he gets the family jewels removed. I am still on the fence with this. I believe in spay and neutering animals that you are not going to breed. I am just sad that my little boy will be in pain afterwards.
Heck, he just discovered his balls and now we are going to throw them away!!!

Medically:
I had to shoot up again with the Humira. I have such compassion for diabetics who have to use the needle every day, sometimes 3 times a day. I have to do this once a week for the Crohns and Arthritis and I just cry when I have to stick that dumb little needle into my thigh.
I do it to try and live a decent life, but mentally, sometimes, it just destroys me.

My thoughts are going a mile a minute. I took a leap from needles each week to wanting to rail against my nonexistent god. It can be frustrating being Agnostic. It makes it hard to rant and rave at "god" when I just do not know for certain whether or not he/she/it really exist.

Now, while I am not too happy with how big I look, I look alot smaller than I did 10 months ago.
I am holding Ava. She was 5 weeks old in the photo and I SWEAR, she was smiling at me.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

This comes from Vicki's CK motivational thread. I like them. They make me think. I wish more people used their brains.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?Unless the pain of an experience is bad enough, and the misery strong enough, most people will not make the decision to change. They stay inside their comfort zone and put it off for another day....What do you Value? Health? Your appearance? Family? Career? Learn to see your vision. CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SEE YOURSELF ACHIEVING YOUR GOALS. See yourself as the person you have changed into.

hmmm,
I thought I would have something to delve into with this. The actual post was longer than here but what I italicized were the statements heart.

So many do not change unless they get into a place where there are only two doors: Death, and Life.

I stayed in my comfort zone for years and years and years. It was way easier then challenging myself and my belief system.

What do I value? What made it so that I pushed my belief system aside and accepted a new way of living into my psychi?

I value my nieces. Wanting to be a part of their lives. Knowing that if I continued down my path of mental destruction, not accepting that somethings in my life are out of my control, I would not live long enough to see these two wonderous creatures grow into adults.
I began to start to value myself. I opened my mind up and forgave myself for what I always considered was a failure in myself. "IF I ONLY HAD..." was banished. "I SHOULD HAVE..." got tossed also.
I value true friends, those who stood by me when I decided on the WLS. Those who cheer me on with every AHA moment I have through this journey.

A long time ago my brother, the college professor, and I were discussing what was more satisfying in life. Here was the choice: Having written and publish a well written, thought provoking article or book; or Riding a Rollercoaster.

He chooses the writing. It involves thought, and thorough research, you learn something from it.

I use to agree with him. Then I had an AHA moment one day when I was recovering from yet again another bout of Crohns.
I wanted the rollercoaster. I wanted something outside my comfort zone. Something that had no meaning but scarey fun.

Sometimes, you gotta just say fuck it and go for it.

On paying bills

I remember the first time I got a credit card bill. I almost fainted from shock. I was probably 22 years old and maybe it was for a hundred dollars.
How did I spend so much in so little time?

I just opened my American Express bill and dang if my hand didn't just let it fall to the floor.

How the hell did I spend over $2100 in 30 days.

Then I came back to reality.

I use my one CC for everything. I even go to the 7-11 and if the amount I spend is more than $2 I charge it.

I do admit though, this last month was a shocker.

But, my brother came up and stayed at the Bestwestern. I had to put it on my credit card because they go in very late and I wanted to secure the room. He sent me the check for it.

I also splurged on new shoes and new clothes. I love the shoes and the shirts and skirt I bought. But, without being able to work it is luxury items for me. Trouble is I have finally dropped enough weight that I was wearing old sweats and tee shirts that were three sizes too big and my sneakers were getting too worn out.

Here is what I find interesting. When I had the WLS I thought my food bills would go down.

Nope. I eat healthier than I ever did and healthy is expensive.

So yeah, I could spend that much in a month.

Now the nice thing: I have AMEX rewards. Lots and lots of points. I am going to enjoy finding the right thing to use all those lovely points on.

Horoscope

From todays horoscope:

Cancer
Anything is possible, as long as you retain your focus. That means getting some very basic areas of your life (like finances) in order before you move onto larger concerns (such as travel and career plans).

Well, since I don't have much money, I don't believe I will be traveling anywhere.

If the fat lady sings....

Does anyone really hear her?

I got some very nice PM's from those Ck'ers I am close to.
I let them know where I am now blogging from and how to get in touch with me.
I also let them know I will never leave them if they need a "never give up" pep talk or just to shoot the breeze. These are good people who respects what you stand for, even if they do not agree. They were and are worth getting to know and listen to.

That said...

Today was not such a bad day.
I spent last night watching the US Open. Man what a great match between Agassi and Behgadht (SP?).
Mitchell and I went to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner. He certainly loves beef. He got one of those new three type of beef burgers. Smelled wonderful.
I got the appetizer Chicken Quesadilla and managed to get through half of it. Mitchell finished the rest.

As for the rest of the night, well all I will say is that even though I really hate going to the Gynocologist, the hormone cream does work fairly well, thank you very much.

My folks finally got a cable/phone modem installed today. They have reached the 21st century. They came kicking and screaming but at least now they can see videos of their granddaughters.

By the way, I want to thank you all for your wonderful words.
I am always concerned when I exhibit anger at something I cannot control because it has always lead me down the path of bad food choices, stress related illness and just an emotional feeling of lethargy.
I will admit I did need a nap in the afternoon, but I think it was more due to spending 3 hours doing my parents bookkeeping and explaining the new high speed system to my mom.

Diet wise:

"You have used 649 out of your net daily budget of 1200 calories and have 551 calories remaining. 28% of the calories are from fat, 38% from protein, 34% from carbs and 0% from alcohol. "

A bit high on the fat but I got in the protein I needed for the day.

I am beginning to move downward again scalewise. An ounce here, an ounce there. It means alot seeing as I have stayed the same weight for about a month now.
The inches have dropped nicely this last month. I want to get new pants, again, but I just will have to deal with saggy butt for a while longer.

And so, my saggy butt and I are off to surf the web.

Ta for now.

Something Liz said in a comment got me to thinking about the anonymous commentor from my entry of Saturday, August 19, 2006.

It's nice to know I'm not so stupid that I'd choose to take the hard way out.

This Anonymous commentor from CK, said WLS is the easy way out. OKay, follow me here.

I have depression and anxiety. I take medication to help my neurochemicals react properly. This is the easy way out. I guess the hard way is to live with the torturous feelings, with brain chemicals not functioning well and pray alot that they go away.

I have had over 3 dozen surgeries to repair the damage that Crohns disease has in some way done to my body. This was the easy way out. I should have just let my body rot from the inside out and died along time ago.

I took the easy way out when I was a kid by getting help for my dyslexia. The hard way would have been to tough it out and stay illiterate.

I spent 38 years on a gain and lose and gain and lose rollercoaster. I gained some of this weight due to medications from my easy way out with my Crohns disease. The rest was because I found that my body is hungry all the time and because there is a chemical reaction in me that was preventing me from getting the final handle on losing the weight. I took the easy way out. I got help by having a band inserted around my upper stomach designed to help the body determine fullness. I guess the hard way was to keep my my mouth shut all the time and live with physical pains from hunger, stay on the rollercoaster and risk a heart attack or stroke before the age of 50.

I take medication for migraines. I take the easy way out because I refuse to live with uncontrolled pain.

I inject Humira into my leg every week to keep my Crohns in remission and my arthritis in check. The hard way would be to be crippled and sick 24/7

Etc. Etc...

I watch my food intake and exercise regime every single day so closely that some days I am furious that I have to do it. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Sorry folks, the easy way out is to cop out and do nothing. The hard way is to accept that sometimes you need modern medical intervention to help achieve a goal.

I have always said that in Darwin's Survival of the Fittest world I would not survive.

Thank goodness I don't have to.