meandering thoughts...

Please, just remember, my blog, my opinion and not a rant about religon...


You know what I saw and read and listened to this past week, other than the sound of me moaning in pain ;) ?

(And mind you this was not only on CK but on OH also, and at my WLS christmas party.

1. I weigh too much, I am horrible.
2. I am going to blow my diet totally because I KNOW I am going to eat too much.
3. Ugh, I am not where I want to be and it is the end of the year and I can't stand myself.
4. etc. etc. etc.

Now, here is what I heard from my own mind:

1. I am worthwhile. Why do I persist in sabotaging my success? Because I do not know how to succeed. It is scary.
2. If it is scary, then it is something I will conquer. To complain without resisting is a failure in my book.
3. Since I will conquer the fear of success, I am not complaining about the few ounces I gained over the last week. To me a few ounces will not turn into a few pounds.


Next topic

I am not religous, I am sure I have said it before. I was born Jewish, raised Jewish. I tend toward Ethical Culture though in my belief system. That and a belief in the idea that you cannot destroy the soul which just joins the cosmos...

but...

I am a bit appalled with the crap that was the holidays. I kind of am every year but it seemed to bother me the most this year.

I watched my niece open her Hannukah presents while she was up here. Now, I know that my brother doesn't believe in any religon, much less Judaism, but Hannukah is not about religon. It was the story of a people fighting for what they believed in. The oil, of the lamp of life, whether it lasted 8 days or 8 hours or 8 minutes more than it should have was just a bonus. The Maccabees won the right to have the choice of beliving in their religon and not to be forced to believe in something they disagreed with.
THERE WERE NO PRESENTS GIVEN OUT. The closest is the dredle game. This too has no true religous backing. It was used as a game for children during the times before the common era so they could learn their torah. You see, even back then, one's religon was not allowed to be chosen. It was dictated and Judaism was not one of them. Children learned in secret. How better to help a child learn than to make it a game and keep the invaders off your back.

I wanted my niece to understand this all. My brother would not let me. So much for history.

I have also listened to my aide talk about all the presents her kids got as well as what her oldest kids got their kids for Christmas.
I watched commercials, listened to threads, again, not only on CK but OH and etc also.
I want a watch
I want the ____________(Insert electronic game of the day)
Why can't I get ___________(Again, insert game of the day)

Why are they celebrating something that truly has nothing to do it seems with "their savior".
But, you say, Jesus was born on Dec 25th. Bah, he was not and there is tons of historical evidence that he was born during the spring during the census counting and Joseph and Mary had to go to Bethlehem to be counted.

What they are celebrating is from a pagan ritual that occured on the winter soltice. Way back when, when it was believe that nature had souls and we are all part of nature, there were people who lit up the dark nights with candles and fires to keep the evil spirits away. Darkness equal evil.
I love the way the lights look now. Always did. They always helped keep the night lit for me.

Now, to the presents, sorry, St. Nick, the original one would be outraged at what happened to his concept of a toy for the children during that same winter solstice to play with because it was too cold to be outside. Indoor playing at the time I guess consisted of counting how many logs were left for the fire.

I know there are people out there who understand. They do not over do it. They go to temple or church and thank the cosmic leader for all that is good in the world and hope that the coming year will be a sweet one.

So, my holiday gift to you all is
Find the joy in the little things in life.
Do what you can to make your life better.
Make sure you and your family have health and happiness all year long.

And then, when the time feels right. Buy yourself something nice.

Love to you all.

By the way...

Spinal taps are beginning to get easier. Course I went in with 45 mg of Valium.
The radiologist was amazing, even though he missed the first time out, it wasn't too bad and the second time he was in the right spot in a second. I was done in a half hour and back in a bed for 5 hours in no time.

Demorol yeah,
Darvoset Yeah,

High opening spinal pressure boo,
Not as high as last time Yeah,

General demeanor of pain in my back? booo

Having someone else take care of me these few days, priceless....hehehe

Back by popular demand .....Sharon....

Just throw me the chicken emoticon and call me done.

I am so scared to call. It is Friday and I still have his number.
Part of it is these stupid medications that make me so relaxed I can not stay awake.
I fear I fell asleep last night listening to Mitchell talk. Usually I just tune him out when I am bored with what he is saying. Last night, zip, Darvoset zonked me out.

I promise, I will try Roberts phone number tonight and see what happens.

I still want the chicken emoticon though...

Off for a fun day at the Spa....Not

Off for the hospital for another lumbar puncture. I have more valium in me than is used to calm a horse. Full weekend of doing nothing but laying flat on my back or attempting to get to the bathroom.

If spinal taps DID NOT HURT SO FUCKING MUCH, I would say hmmm, sort of like a mini vacation.....

Ta for now all.

This is how it felt trying to get to where I was going!

Babies

This is why you want children....

And this is why I do not have any...

Ah, the wonderful world of my Ava, 5 months old, my niece. We had a great fun time but right now, my day is much much quieter.....Yippie!!!

Apartment photos part deux

One view of the kitchen. In the background is the crock pot. My favorite kitchen utensil.


This pic is in the room we are using as a den. It is a pic of my dads parents when they got things together and came to America. The plaque next to the pic says that their names: Jacob and Rebecca are on the wall on Ellis Island.


The Jacuzzi tub in Moms bathroom. It is slowly becoming my favorite place to be.


My moms Closet. In NYC you can rent out this space for about $1000 a month...



My bedroom. Finally a bed with a view.


Another view. At night, believe me, all the lights shine. I wake up to sunrise.
In the pictures, if you look closely is the photo I took from the many we had of my dad.




And finally, of course the computer, dvd, vcr, cable and television. Heaven forbid I go with out those things....

Story from the move to Long Beach

I wanted to tell you all though that for the first time in my life I flirted with someone.

One of the guys who was moving us was kinda cute and we just hit it off with humor immediately. It got to the point when he called "Sandra" I answered "Yes, honey."

We spent 8 hours moving from the old apt to this new one.
So I guess I spent quite a bit of time talking with and joking with this guy. His name is Rob . He is a bit younger, I think 37 to my 44, divorced and had one son that was killed about a year ago.

We plugged in my "Boom Box" and he settles on the same music station I would have put on.

So, I did something so uncharacteristic for me. I wrote down my name and phone #. I mean, after you have sat on the same bed together during a move, what else is there to do.

I did not know what to think but about an hour later, when the guys were done, he hands me a card that on the back had his name and phone #.

So, what do you think? Should I wait until after the new year and call him. Or just wait to see if he will call me?
Should I just call and say"Were you serious about catching a meal together or were we just having fun during that one day?"

Okay, ladys and gents, HELP !!!!!!

Pictures of a home part one

One of the reasons to live by the water....

This was taken at sunset from the living room balcony.

There is a reason to live in a luxury apt that has a jacuzzi tub but there is no way I am taking a photo of that in action......

How many boxes does it take to move into an apt?

Jazzy had a long night partying. :)

Why say a thousand words...

when one picture will do.

She's Baaacckk!!!

Back from moving hell.
Will have pics up soon showing the new digs off.
I am loving it.
I just found out there is a full gym in the building and it is open 24/7.

Jazzy is having a blast sniffing all the new dogs and eating sand.

My mom is slowly coming out of her depression and her grieving about my dad is easing a bit.

Oh yeah, I am now down to 247. That is now 69.5 less lard than before my banding. I am eating right and even though the exercise is tough with my balance issues I am walking Jazzy about 20 minutes a day.

My goal was 75 lbs down by my Bandiversary on January 24th 2007 and by golly, I am going to do it.

Life is sweet right now.

More to come.

If you visit me come in and say hi in the comment field....

vanity sizing.... Hmmm.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15319430/site/newsweek/



Kind of means I should be a size 18 in a few weeks instead of a few months.

Who the hell wants to be a sub zero anyway? Can there really be people that thin?

Yech.

Meanderings and stream of thought.....

Well, lets see, EEG came back normal except for the fact that the technician said I fell asleep (brain wave activity said so) but I swear I was not asleep.
I am just this close really close to being legally blind in my right eye. My left eye still has a cataract but it is in its infancy. May it stay in childhood for a long time. I am losing a bit more peripheral vision in that left eye though. I believe I will see if Jazzy will be able to learn to be a seeing eye dog. He has already earned his kibble yesterday morning. I was really horribly dizzy and my mom was in the living room watching thenews. I was in the bedroom bathroom. I told Jazzy "Grandma Grandma" which to him means find my mom. He got her attention and brought her to me.
There must be angels cause Jazzy certainly has turned out to be mine.

Mr. Silent is not so silent lately and it is making me nuts. Remember when I told you all about how quiet he got when I had told him that since no one was begging me to stay in NY after a year I would probably move with my mom down to Virginia? Well Mr. Silent sure has been attentive.

He took me out to dinner twice, and when I called and told him that my dad had past away, he was a bit angry I had not called earlier when dad had fallen and gone into the hospital. I had not called him because I just am use to being on my own. He told me he would be at the funeral.
Monday he showed up and I went over to him and gave him a huge hug, letting him know how pleased I was that he would show up.

After the ceremony I did not get to see him so I figured he had to get to work. We went to the cemetary and I kind of stood next to my mom and my brother Alan but behind them. All of a sudden I feel someone holding me around the waist. I thought it was my cousin James, someone who is a few months younger than I and we grew up together. I turned around and it was Mr. Silent, Mitchell himself.

The ceremony at the cemetary was about 15 minutes and he never let me go. It was as if he knew I needed someone just for me. That my mom had my brothers. The only time he let go was when I put 4 shovelfuls of dirt onto my fathers casket as is the jewish tradition. Then he walked me back to where my mom was standing and held me again.

He went and put in a few shovelfuls also. Then came back.

I must say, I was so happy and felt that my dad was honored completely by the 40 or so people who were at the grave site. In jewish tradition, you put shovelfuls of dirt onto the coffin so that the coffin is mostly overed. The back hoe does the rest. My fathers coffin did not really need the back hoe. Nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, all of them, helped to say good bye to my father.

Now, back to Mitchell. He showed up for Shiva that night. Spent time just with me but then got to talking to friends of my brother AL, they are just a year apart. I liked seeing him like that, getting along with my bro and his friends. I got to show off my nieces to Mitchell. Even held Ava while I was talking to him, just to check out how he deals with babies. She got a bit fussy but even so he smiled at her and held her little hand.

So, since then, Mitchell decided I needed a day away so we went up to the house he built up near Yeagers Farm where the original Woodstock was held. It is about 2 miles away. I remember way back in the mid 80's when he started building it but we broke up before he got it done. So I never saw it before. It is really a nice summer type house about a 5 minute walk to a lake. He is still after all these years planning on making the basement into a two bedroom apt but since he does it all on his own, I am figuring on 2010 for that. We had a nice quiet time. Jazzy came along. He showed me the whole area, where he spent his summers growing up, what he remembers of his grandparents who owned one of those bungalow colonies. It was nippy out but not too nippy. I walked Jazz, he mowed the grass and took care of somethings.
We got home around 8pm and I took him out to dinner.

Since then, it seems if I do not email or talk to him twice a week, he gets worried that something is wrong. I am not use to this. I am helping him out with some powerpoint projects but I am not use to Mr. Silent being not so silent.

He will be going up to the house on Thanksgiving with his brother, who is manic depressive to take care of things. I just hope he will get to be with some friends for some part of the weekend.
My mom and I are going to my Friend from Jr. High for Turkey day. We just did not want to go down to my bro John and spend so much time. So tomorrow we turkey it up here and Friday morning, Mom, my bro Al, Jazzy and I will drive down to my bro/SIL for the weekend. I get to see my sweeties and I also do not have to spend so much time there.

Moving day is fast approaching. I keep feeling I am forgetting to pack things but No matter how neurotic I am being, I know it will work out fine.
I just wish my mom would get a bit more into all this. I know she is grieving and I know it takes time but heck, I am grieving also and it is starting to get too much for me.

Being sick, dealing with missing my dad, confused about Mitchell, living with the damn drugs and at least once a friggin day tripping over my own feet is just beginning to be too much.
My working on automatic pilot failed the other day when on the 30th day the candle we use to mark the first month of his passing finally went out. My heart broke and I am still putting it back together now.

But, as I say, Giving up is not ever an option. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Happy Turkey day to all you turkeys....hehehe

Nothing in the world like your computer crashing at the wrong time. I am just happy I had my moms tower and hard drive to use.

I have learned something very important, never touch a crashed computer alone. You fuck it up even worse.
I had "Eric" from Eric's computer repair come down today and repair what he could. I lost so much off line data though. He sold me a memory stick so now I will be totally backing up everything off line every day.

I had collected all my journalling from CK on off line word doc. NOw I have to go back and do it all over. ARRRRRRRGH!!!!

Shoes just make the day better.

'You see, the dame had the legs that just would not stop. Her shoes were red, not cherry red mind you but the color of a fine red wine...'

I have never owned a pair of shoes that made me feel so female. I also got a pair in black. I love these shoes!!!!

Just a short message from our sponsor....

Do you know how it feels to walk thru Macy's, and instead of heading to the woman's department without looking at the misses dept clothes, stop in the misses side and see a really pretty zip up sweater, try on the XL, zip it up and find it fits?


Do you know what it feels like to pass by a mirror in that same Macy's and say "Who the heck is that cute woman? Oh, yeah, that wonderful person is ME!

Do you know what it feels like to be able to now share all these great feelings with my friends?

Dancing and partying all around people. Dancing and partying.

Chapter 4: Friendships

I have found out in the past few months just how much a friendship means.

My brother Al's friends, who he has know from high school and college, so, what, 35 or so years, all came to my dad's funeral out of love and concern for Al. They also knew and liked my dad but they came because Al was their friend and needed them.

I do not have many friends living near me and unfortunately the two who are closest to me could not come. One, actually was doing a major Mitzvah (good deed) by watching Jazzy for me that day, and the other was taking her mom to the hospital.
I begrudge them nothing because they have been on the phone with me every day since. Both came to Shiva, one with her boyfriend, who is a sweetie. Most of my friends are long distance and cyber friends.

You all have been like family in your concern for me. My cyber friends come from all different web sights, weight loss, WLS, Shrinkwraplive, as well as my Crohns site, have all been watching out for me.

Friendship is something I never in my first 35 years of life really thought I needed. I had only one close friend from jr. high school. The rest were acquaintances.

It has taken me a very long time to accept that the basis of friendship is a caring about one another. The ability sometimes to agree to disagree but still enjoy the persons company. Knowing that bad jokes will be laughed at. That when it comes down to it, all you need between you and a friend is the knowledge that you or they can say "We'll get through this, together"

Thank you for letting me call you all friends. May I be able to comfort you as you have for me. May I be able to laugh at your bad jokes as you do me. May I be free to tell you what I believe as I would have you do for me.

Now, wipe those tears and have a wonderful week.

Oh, I will get to Mr. Silent and my medical issues in a bit.

I have an EEG in the morning and I am not allowed my meds. I am just this side of pain.