Pictures of a home part one

One of the reasons to live by the water....

This was taken at sunset from the living room balcony.

There is a reason to live in a luxury apt that has a jacuzzi tub but there is no way I am taking a photo of that in action......

How many boxes does it take to move into an apt?

Jazzy had a long night partying. :)

Why say a thousand words...

when one picture will do.

She's Baaacckk!!!

Back from moving hell.
Will have pics up soon showing the new digs off.
I am loving it.
I just found out there is a full gym in the building and it is open 24/7.

Jazzy is having a blast sniffing all the new dogs and eating sand.

My mom is slowly coming out of her depression and her grieving about my dad is easing a bit.

Oh yeah, I am now down to 247. That is now 69.5 less lard than before my banding. I am eating right and even though the exercise is tough with my balance issues I am walking Jazzy about 20 minutes a day.

My goal was 75 lbs down by my Bandiversary on January 24th 2007 and by golly, I am going to do it.

Life is sweet right now.

More to come.

If you visit me come in and say hi in the comment field....

vanity sizing.... Hmmm.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15319430/site/newsweek/



Kind of means I should be a size 18 in a few weeks instead of a few months.

Who the hell wants to be a sub zero anyway? Can there really be people that thin?

Yech.

Meanderings and stream of thought.....

Well, lets see, EEG came back normal except for the fact that the technician said I fell asleep (brain wave activity said so) but I swear I was not asleep.
I am just this close really close to being legally blind in my right eye. My left eye still has a cataract but it is in its infancy. May it stay in childhood for a long time. I am losing a bit more peripheral vision in that left eye though. I believe I will see if Jazzy will be able to learn to be a seeing eye dog. He has already earned his kibble yesterday morning. I was really horribly dizzy and my mom was in the living room watching thenews. I was in the bedroom bathroom. I told Jazzy "Grandma Grandma" which to him means find my mom. He got her attention and brought her to me.
There must be angels cause Jazzy certainly has turned out to be mine.

Mr. Silent is not so silent lately and it is making me nuts. Remember when I told you all about how quiet he got when I had told him that since no one was begging me to stay in NY after a year I would probably move with my mom down to Virginia? Well Mr. Silent sure has been attentive.

He took me out to dinner twice, and when I called and told him that my dad had past away, he was a bit angry I had not called earlier when dad had fallen and gone into the hospital. I had not called him because I just am use to being on my own. He told me he would be at the funeral.
Monday he showed up and I went over to him and gave him a huge hug, letting him know how pleased I was that he would show up.

After the ceremony I did not get to see him so I figured he had to get to work. We went to the cemetary and I kind of stood next to my mom and my brother Alan but behind them. All of a sudden I feel someone holding me around the waist. I thought it was my cousin James, someone who is a few months younger than I and we grew up together. I turned around and it was Mr. Silent, Mitchell himself.

The ceremony at the cemetary was about 15 minutes and he never let me go. It was as if he knew I needed someone just for me. That my mom had my brothers. The only time he let go was when I put 4 shovelfuls of dirt onto my fathers casket as is the jewish tradition. Then he walked me back to where my mom was standing and held me again.

He went and put in a few shovelfuls also. Then came back.

I must say, I was so happy and felt that my dad was honored completely by the 40 or so people who were at the grave site. In jewish tradition, you put shovelfuls of dirt onto the coffin so that the coffin is mostly overed. The back hoe does the rest. My fathers coffin did not really need the back hoe. Nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, all of them, helped to say good bye to my father.

Now, back to Mitchell. He showed up for Shiva that night. Spent time just with me but then got to talking to friends of my brother AL, they are just a year apart. I liked seeing him like that, getting along with my bro and his friends. I got to show off my nieces to Mitchell. Even held Ava while I was talking to him, just to check out how he deals with babies. She got a bit fussy but even so he smiled at her and held her little hand.

So, since then, Mitchell decided I needed a day away so we went up to the house he built up near Yeagers Farm where the original Woodstock was held. It is about 2 miles away. I remember way back in the mid 80's when he started building it but we broke up before he got it done. So I never saw it before. It is really a nice summer type house about a 5 minute walk to a lake. He is still after all these years planning on making the basement into a two bedroom apt but since he does it all on his own, I am figuring on 2010 for that. We had a nice quiet time. Jazzy came along. He showed me the whole area, where he spent his summers growing up, what he remembers of his grandparents who owned one of those bungalow colonies. It was nippy out but not too nippy. I walked Jazz, he mowed the grass and took care of somethings.
We got home around 8pm and I took him out to dinner.

Since then, it seems if I do not email or talk to him twice a week, he gets worried that something is wrong. I am not use to this. I am helping him out with some powerpoint projects but I am not use to Mr. Silent being not so silent.

He will be going up to the house on Thanksgiving with his brother, who is manic depressive to take care of things. I just hope he will get to be with some friends for some part of the weekend.
My mom and I are going to my Friend from Jr. High for Turkey day. We just did not want to go down to my bro John and spend so much time. So tomorrow we turkey it up here and Friday morning, Mom, my bro Al, Jazzy and I will drive down to my bro/SIL for the weekend. I get to see my sweeties and I also do not have to spend so much time there.

Moving day is fast approaching. I keep feeling I am forgetting to pack things but No matter how neurotic I am being, I know it will work out fine.
I just wish my mom would get a bit more into all this. I know she is grieving and I know it takes time but heck, I am grieving also and it is starting to get too much for me.

Being sick, dealing with missing my dad, confused about Mitchell, living with the damn drugs and at least once a friggin day tripping over my own feet is just beginning to be too much.
My working on automatic pilot failed the other day when on the 30th day the candle we use to mark the first month of his passing finally went out. My heart broke and I am still putting it back together now.

But, as I say, Giving up is not ever an option. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Happy Turkey day to all you turkeys....hehehe

Nothing in the world like your computer crashing at the wrong time. I am just happy I had my moms tower and hard drive to use.

I have learned something very important, never touch a crashed computer alone. You fuck it up even worse.
I had "Eric" from Eric's computer repair come down today and repair what he could. I lost so much off line data though. He sold me a memory stick so now I will be totally backing up everything off line every day.

I had collected all my journalling from CK on off line word doc. NOw I have to go back and do it all over. ARRRRRRRGH!!!!

Shoes just make the day better.

'You see, the dame had the legs that just would not stop. Her shoes were red, not cherry red mind you but the color of a fine red wine...'

I have never owned a pair of shoes that made me feel so female. I also got a pair in black. I love these shoes!!!!

Just a short message from our sponsor....

Do you know how it feels to walk thru Macy's, and instead of heading to the woman's department without looking at the misses dept clothes, stop in the misses side and see a really pretty zip up sweater, try on the XL, zip it up and find it fits?


Do you know what it feels like to pass by a mirror in that same Macy's and say "Who the heck is that cute woman? Oh, yeah, that wonderful person is ME!

Do you know what it feels like to be able to now share all these great feelings with my friends?

Dancing and partying all around people. Dancing and partying.

Chapter 4: Friendships

I have found out in the past few months just how much a friendship means.

My brother Al's friends, who he has know from high school and college, so, what, 35 or so years, all came to my dad's funeral out of love and concern for Al. They also knew and liked my dad but they came because Al was their friend and needed them.

I do not have many friends living near me and unfortunately the two who are closest to me could not come. One, actually was doing a major Mitzvah (good deed) by watching Jazzy for me that day, and the other was taking her mom to the hospital.
I begrudge them nothing because they have been on the phone with me every day since. Both came to Shiva, one with her boyfriend, who is a sweetie. Most of my friends are long distance and cyber friends.

You all have been like family in your concern for me. My cyber friends come from all different web sights, weight loss, WLS, Shrinkwraplive, as well as my Crohns site, have all been watching out for me.

Friendship is something I never in my first 35 years of life really thought I needed. I had only one close friend from jr. high school. The rest were acquaintances.

It has taken me a very long time to accept that the basis of friendship is a caring about one another. The ability sometimes to agree to disagree but still enjoy the persons company. Knowing that bad jokes will be laughed at. That when it comes down to it, all you need between you and a friend is the knowledge that you or they can say "We'll get through this, together"

Thank you for letting me call you all friends. May I be able to comfort you as you have for me. May I be able to laugh at your bad jokes as you do me. May I be free to tell you what I believe as I would have you do for me.

Now, wipe those tears and have a wonderful week.

Oh, I will get to Mr. Silent and my medical issues in a bit.

I have an EEG in the morning and I am not allowed my meds. I am just this side of pain.

Chapter 3: Moving time is near

Since I am not too tired I will go on to Chapter 3: Moving time is near.

On November 30th I am getting the phone/cablemodem online/digital cable installed. Got a great one year deal of $95.57 for all three services.
Gas and ELectric will be changed over into my name on December 1.

Moving day: December 1, 2006.

So far I have cleaned out 90% of the crap I had in my apt. My brother and I took all of my dads clothes to charity and I moved all my clothes up to my folks apt so that we can pack in one or two wardrobe boxes.

I found an online web site where you can set up rooms in cyber space and have taken the dimensions of all the furniture. I have a floor plan of the apt so I pretty much, after playing with the online program, know where everything is going.

I will take pics after we move in and it is all arranged.

I am SOOOO looking forward to getting out of here. My mom and I need to get away from the sickness feelings that linger in the room dad used. I can't enter the room because all I see is my dad on the floor.

I have developed a great hatred of the apts and the building in general.

Bad Karma going to Good Karma. End of one lifetime, beginning of a new one.

Chapter 2: Feelings about my dad and sadness

Okay,
chapter 2.


I am doing alright. I get the sad feelings every so often.
Like the other day I was cleaning out my desk to get ready to move and I found some hair clips. For some reason I got so sad. I remembered when I was younger my dad would play "Mr. Irving" the hair dresser to me. I always loved getting my head rubbed and my dad would comb out my hair and either braid it or put a clip in it for a pony tail.
I found tears in my eyes remembering that.

I also get the sad feelings when I know I just can't go into his room and say "hey there Pop!"

But, overall, I know that he is soaring high, hanging in the cosmos, in no pain, having a grand time.

I don't yet feel him around me like I do my grandmother, but I am hoping that someday I will feel he is there. Actually, I hope he is watching his granddaughters and smiling"

Chapter 1: You do the crime, you do the time....

Now it is going to take a while for me to get through all these things.
I may have to save it and then when I am not too tired come back and add to it all. Let's see how far I can get.

Chapter 1: Do the crime, do the time.
The police arrested the aide last Friday and charged her with Grand Larceny in the 4 degree, She stole more than $1000 but less than $3000 so it is only 4th degree. But, she now has a record and her prints are on file. She sat in jail all weekend and was arraigned on Monday. Her friend posted her bail.

She has admitted to the ATM card stealing but not to stealing cash or my dads ring. Her word is worth shit though considering that back in 2005 the son of the person she works for put in a police report of missing Jewelry and this aide was questioned. No one thought it was her though. I am hoping that the DA will put two and two together and charge her in this other case. The jewelry in that case was worth over $10K.

Now, the aide had the balls to call and apologize to my mother, she gave some excuse. She then asked to speak with me. She apologized and I basically told her that her apology is worthless and to me she needs to make restitution to me, as well as fess up about the other missing cash, my dad's ring and as it turns out a ring that was my moms. That wasn't worth alot but come on now.

She assured me that she did not take anything other than the ATM card. I told her that her word is worthless and I expect my money back. As for pressing charges, I told her it was up to the DA. I still would want her ass rotting in a jail.

My father taught his children right from wrong. He taught us personal responsibility.

Honey, you do the crime, you will be doing the time.

And I gotta rest.

I will come back for the next chapter in a while.

Thank you and I will be adding to my tale

Here is my outline:
1. do the crime do the time
2. dealing with sadness
3. moving
4. friendship
5. relationships
6. right cerebral dysfuntion.

Stay tuned. I have too much to do before the move.

OOOH, I feel just like an author.

Love ya my friends

I'm back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi guys,

Forgive me if I repeat anything I am just not myself lately. Forgive me also for the length.

I am sorry to have not been around lately other than to give a woohoo or great going.

I am still functioning most of the time on autopilot when it comes to my dads passing.
We clashed so much when he was alive but in the last year of his life we did get along and had fun.

I seem to do okay and then something will happen, like when my mom and I went shopping and I realized we no longer needed to buy Cashew nuts because my dad loved a handful of them as a snack. That hurt.

I really do miss the guy.

It is just too darn quiet now. No matter how sick he was, save for the times the medications he got made him really out of it, he made a joke, or just made noise. Living right now with my mom is very, very quiet. I use to like quiet but not like this quiet. Besides, I cannot go into my dad’s room (he had to be in a hospital bed towards the end). All I feel is him and all I see is him lying on the floor knowing his spirit was trying to leave his failing body.

I can’t wait until we move on December 1st. A new place without pain memories. I have cleared out all his clothes and the crap he kept since he was born or at least that is what it felt like, and it is now a whole lot of empty.
****
I did discover some wonderful pictures from when he was a child and teenager. I have them packed away carefully and will concentrate on them after we move.

I also found photos of my mom’s father who passed away back in 1947. It is neat to see this man who may have been all of 45 at the time. He looked so alive.
*****
The funeral for my Dad was okay. I wrote my Eulogy, and reproduced my brother Al’s on my blog. Al and I got the chance to see my dad before the ceremony. Someone had to attest to the fact that we were burying the right body. Considering the last visual of my dad was him hooked up to the ventilator, which was horrible, I was so exceptionally comforted and happy in my heart to see that the men who readied him for his burial made him look calm and asleep. Al and I had written notes to my dad that we read to him before anyone was in the room with us. The funeral director let us put the notes next to his heart and let us kiss him good-bye. That was hard to do.

The funeral was your standard Jewish ceremony, with my brothers and I talking about him to those who were at the chapel. The rabbi had visited us the night before and he made what he said about my dad seem like he had known the man forever. He kind of did know my dad, or rather my dad made sure he knew him. A friend had taken him this particular temple about 12 years ago and my father went up to this Rabbi after the services on Saturday. My dad told this man, “You don’t know me right now, but I want to get to know you since you will one day officiate at my funeral.” The Rabbi, after seeing a photo of my dad that Sunday night, remembered those words.

The only really hard thing about the funeral was when we were at the cemetery and the grave workers physically lowered the coffin into the grave. I did not want to leave my dad in that cold dark place. I forgot for a moment that he was not there, that he was now part of the cosmic world.

There were about 40 or so of his friends and relatives at the cemetery and each and everyone one of us, as is Jewish tradition, took shovels full of dirt to cover the coffin.
I was so proud of them all. No one wanted just one shovel full, some did 3; some did 5 or 6. The backhoe did not have to do much at all. I have never seen so many people work so much together to say goodbye to someone.

Now, for a fun tale, I am standing there, at the cemetery, with my brothers on either side of my Mom and I have her back. I feel someone put their arm around my waist and I am thinking it is one of my cousins. I turn and there is Mr. Silent. Mitchell himself. He did not let me go through the whole thing until I put in my shovels full of dirt, then when I came back he held me again. What a wonderful surprise. I expected him to come to the ceremony but not to come to the cemetery. Then he showed up later that night for the first night of Shiva.
Yes there are wonderful things in this world.

It was a really long week. Lots of food, (I am now trying to rid myself of a sugar high and 9 pounds of crap food) lots of stories, lots of trying to be pleasant when all I really wanted to do was crawl into a ball and cry.

I am so glad for my youngest niece. Bless her three-month-old soul. She just folded herself into her Aunt Sandgee’s shoulder and let me lose myself in her.
Things quieted down by Thursday and I will admit I was exhausted.

Lets see, besides being on autopilot since Oct 13th and handling all the logistics (John took care of his wife and my nieces, and Alan was in charge of taking care of my mom) I also finally finished up my neurological testing. Now, I wish I could say I know what the hell the Neurologist was talking about when I saw him this past Friday, but all I can remember is “Brain Stem Injury” and “I will be doing anything I can to make your life more comfortable.”

I feel like he gave me a diagnosis, but I am so darn fuzzy with all the medications I have to take I can’t for the life of me remember what it is called. I do know that part of the damage was done from my bout in 1997 with Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, and all the other shit happening physically to me since then. Perhaps the best thing that did happen was me getting the Gastric band and losing 64 pounds so far. Another 60 will help but won’t cure me.

So, I am now not allowed to drive anywhere. I have to use a cane to stabilized myself and preferably walk with someone when I walk my dog. I have to take Valium, Furocet, Diamox, and one major ass drug called Lyrica. Let us just say that I have had to spend 3 weeks building up to the dosage the Neurologist wants me taking. They help me with pain, and ladies and gentlemen, you could throw a bowie knife through my body and I would not feel it at all. Yippee for Narcotics. Can’t beat a legal junkie.



Now, I give you THE FINALE:

During Shiva you really don’t use modern equipment and I tried to stay off the computer and web as much as I could. I did not get to look at my bank balance (of which I am completely, excuse the term, anal about). I go online on Sunday October 22nd and what do I see? Someone had taken my ATM card and cleaned out my checking account. I made a complaint Monday morning October 23rd. I got a call on the 26th to come to the main bank branch to see the picture captured at the ATM. I wanted to see what piece of shit did this. Now mind you I could not imagine losing the card which was soldered into my wallet along with, and I am a schmuck, say it out loud please, my pin # in the wallet in a different place.
The piece of shit turned out to be the nighttime aide we had for my father. SHE DID THIS DURING THE SHIVA PERIOD. I wanted that photo to be anyone else. I had thought she was a good person. She got over 1200$ out of my account. I need to fill out a police report but at first I was not sure. I mean I was 99.5% sure it was she. But, then I began thinking back to when my mom kept complaining that she couldn’t find money or after I had taken cash out for the day and night aides salary I could not locate the amount the next day, or money was taken out of the envelopes I left for their salaries. Then the topper was that my mom was looking for a ring that was my dads and it was in the same box as one of her rings. Guess what, no rings.
So, fuck her, tomorrow is a police report. I will get the money back from the bank, but I will probably be out the amounts of cash she stole from us in the house because there is no visual record. I am sure my dads ring was hocked for money.

The moral of this story? Some people are Nasty rotten immoral people.
Some people are caring wonderful loving people.
And I never give up.

Thanks for listening.

Opinions are as numerous as Assholes...

I say with a very deep sadness because I am not a mean person at all but some people who know shit about WLS need to keep their mouths shut.

WLS is a tool to get you to your goal. It is not the cure. You still need to eat a healthy way, exercise and be vigilent.
Researchers are beginning to determine that some people have an issue, metabolic, immune, whatever, that makes them hungry 24/7.
For some reason the Vagas Nerve in the stomach does not work.
Perhaps in time no one will need WLS because the researchers will come up with an enzyme or pill or shot, whatever, that will make that nerve function properly.
Right now though, WLS can be the tool to save someones life.
I am now going back to lurking on CK and staying away from uninformed opinions.
My blog, my opinion, so bite me....

I really really miss my dad today.

It gets way too quiet in their apt.
I moved in to be with my mom until we move to Long Beach.

It just isn't the same.. :(

A Eulogy for my Father

This was the Eulogy I gave for my father at his funeral.
I wrote it in 5 minutes and it was sparked by a phrase my brother Al used "The world seems a far lonelier place without my dad in it."
You can read his Eulogy after this one.

I want to talk about humor and my fathers sense of it. My brothers spoke of his sense of right and wrong. His ability to tell a story. But my dad was also a humorist.

Our relationship was one of an adored little girl and a cuddly bear of a father.

As an infant and youngster he sang me silly yiddish songs as I lay on his shoulder. They were silly songs that he sang to us all, every niece and nephew, grand and great grand. I would fall asleep on that huge shoulder without a care in the world.

As a child he told me stories about his parents and "Uncle" who was my Bubbys(grandmother) half brother who was an inventor. Trouble was, as my father would say, nothing he invented ever worked but they sure looked wonderful. After one night of all the relatives from the old country laughing at him he threatened to jump out of the window, they'd be sorry.
Now I know, to my dad, as a small tyke, this must have been scarey, but to my dad the story teller it became the punchline in a vaudvillian act.
"So, my Mother said to him, 'Jump', we live on the first floor..." My dad needed the rimshot of a drum set for his stories.

One story he told over and over again, Oh, maybe I was 4 years old, much to my chagrin was about one Thanksgiving we spent in NJ at my cousin Jack and Elys house with their kids. My dads oldest sister (20 years older) was there also. Someone, probably my cousin Jack liked to hear me sing and taught me the tune "I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee" well I couldn't say Alabama and sang Alabamala" So I heard the story over and over and over again. It drove me nuts.

In teenage years our relationship was rocky because I wanted independence but he wanted to keep his little girl safe. I couldn't understand it until I was a lot older.

When I grew up and discovered that ocassionally dad was right, we formed a bond that came in laughter and jokes.

He'd sing, I'd groan.
I would tell a joke, he'd laugh.
He would tell me a story about his live and I sat with rapt attention to his foibles as he grew up with his "gang" of Brooklyn friends.
There is a story about Haskell the Barber and firecrackers but that is for another time and place to tell it.
He told me about WWII and his time in India as an air traffic controller.

I still am not sure how we won the war considering the funny tales he told about his life in the Army Air core. He started though as a private and ended up as a seargent.

He told stories of how he me Mom, and woo'd her, with love and laughter.

He loved my mom from the first and he had great funny stories of the trips they went on over the years.

She was the love of his lofe. He always told me he never wanted any woman but her. EVER. You don't see that too much anymore. My brother John and Ann come close to this.

His love was true, for his wife, his children, grandchildren and the NUMEROUS nieces and nephews, grand and great grand. And he shared his gift of humor and story telling with us all.

My brother Al said "The world seems a far lonelier place without my dad in it."
To me the world has a little less laughter in it.
But, where he is now, free from this earth and his pains, he is telling his stories and his jokes to another set of friends.

The heavens are laughing today.

From My Brother AL

Picture a little boy running halfway around a block to avoid getting on a bus headed for day camp. Why? Because it was only a small van and not a full-sized yellow school bus, of course. Now picture a middle-aged father running after him. Picture this same father filling in as a coach and as an umpire for the young boy’s Little League game. When called out at first base by his father the umpire, this boy gets angry and decides he doesn’t want to play any more and just walks home. Perhaps youthful indiscretion and foolishness? OK, except without him, the team has to forfeit due to lack of a sufficient number of ballplayers. So now the father the coach finds he again has to run after him, and brings him back to the game. This same kid decides he wants to follow his brother climbing a tree. Except he forgets to follow him down and gets stuck and his dad has to talk him down. And finally, for some reason better left not understood, his bigger brother convinces him it is OK to pee in the draw of a desk in their room. This too comes to the father’s attention. Obviously this little bundle of joy was me and that father was my dad. What was my punishment for these youthful indiscretions? As punishment for these youthful indiscretions my father took me to Met games in field level box seats and let me stuff my face with all kinds of stuff from, hot dogs with Gulden’s mustard to ice cream to cracker jacks to Coke’s to pizza which tasted like cardboard for nine innings and sometimes 18 if it was a doubleheader. He took me to the batting cage during the week, came to my little league games, some of my high school games time permitting, a playoff soccer game in college….I think you get the point.

My father was an honorable man and a man of integrity. He tried to teach me personal responsibility. When I was about 10 years old, we were coming home from temple, and he found a parking ticket on his wind shield. As he left the spot, he saw the officer who had issued the ticket. He pulled up to him, and instead of giving him a hard time or attempting to talk him out of the ticket, he said he understood why he got the ticket and that he was in the wrong. In effect, he told me that the man was just doing his job and that he, my Dad, should take responsibility for this deserved ticket. This lesson in personal responsibility still resonates with me to this day.

My father was truly a nice guy who wanted to do right by everybody. A terrific storyteller, he could cheer anybody up and often did so. He was a natural born salesman who made friends easily. In fact, he was elected the president of his international trade association, EASA, in 1985.

It has touched me deeply that the two aides who have worked to help him these past few years have enjoyed working with him and are genuinely saddened by his passing. I suspect this is not always the case with a client. And I would like to thank them Georgina and Maudry for their caring. Along with my mother and my sister, they kept him going on what I believe was borrowed time.

Nobody’s perfect, and there are always things, whether real or imagined, a son can look back on and disagree with in the way his father handled a situation. But there is one thing I know about my dad, he always loved me and he always had my best interests at heart. No matter what I did I always felt secure in that knowledge (he would always love me. )

There are so many things I feel about my father and so many things about him I would like to tell. There just isn’t the time right now.

Towards the end, when he knew death could come at any time, I never saw a trace of self pity. Of course there was some trepidation, and perhaps some anger and frustration at his failing body, but no self pity. He truly loved life, but knew it must end at some point. He was concerned that I and others not feel sad for him. Well, this is one wish of his I cannot comply with. The world seems a far lonelier place without my dad in it.

My father always ended his conversations by saying “Stay well”, whether at work, on the phone or in person. Towards the end and in failing health, when he would say this to me, I’d say right back, “YOU stay well” and he’d say he would try. Unfortunately last Saturday he could no longer do that (keep that promise). And so I say to my father, I love you, I will miss you, /I’m glad you were my dad, you are not alone, you will always be in my thoughts and with me as long as I live. Dad, stay well. YOU stay well.

Joy

I wish I could convey in words the feeling of Joy I have in my heart this past week.

I know it is a sad time to lose a father.

But I have watched and seen and listened to EVERY person who he touched come and say : Kindness, Honesty, Integrity, Humor, Smiles.
He as a parent was difficult to get along with considering how his children wanted to be independent and he wanted them to be close and safe, but he as a human being, was really really special.

If you have seen the movie "Pay it Forward", my dad was like the child character. His touch touched another and that person passed it along to another.

I figure, He touched a small part of the world...

Like I said, it is a feeling of joy.

automatic pilot

Right now, this week that is what I am on.

Next week I begin to think.

Next week I begin to feel.

Right now, it is not about me at all.

But I know, in my heart, my dad is singing in heaven.

To everyone of you who have sent their well wishes, listen tonight for his songs...

Big hugs and kisses to you all.

Today my father finally was able to soar the heavens

His heart stopped beating around 10am.
He flew away and my heart is lighter now.

He is being buried on Monday in a traditional Jewish ceremony. He will be bathed by orthodox jewish men, wrapped in a shroud then wrapped in a Talis. I found my Zaydees(grandfathers) talis and that is the one that will be used. He will also have an american flag on his coffin because he is a war veteran.

The fun stories have started already. They will go on all week. This "Shiva" period is going to be wonderful. My pop could be a real pain in the butt but he was one of the nicest, kindest, most honest persons I have ever known. I had the great fortune to grow up with his stories. He was a natural born story teller and every story was funny or fun. From his childhood in Williamsburg Brooklyn, to his WWII service in India as an air traffic controller, to his wooing and wedding my mother, to all his relatives (all from the "old country") every one of them are sparks in my head.

There is a jewish psalm or a song of Solomon that talks about the riches of a good name. In my fathers case, he was the richest man in the world. The world remembers him with a smile on their face and a warmth in their heart.

Not a bad way to be.

My father

will have passed away by 2pm today, Saturday, October 14th.

I feel sad.

Goodbye Pop.

It is 1 AM and I just saw a horrible thing

My father laying on the floor unconscious with blood flowing from a cut he got when he fell. My mom had awakened me ( I am staying with them) saying that EMS was coming. I got out of bed and there he was, right inside his bedroom door laying flat on his front. I tried to get a pulse but could not get one. My mom got a very weak one. But he would not wake up.

EMS took him to the hospital 20 minutes ago. My brother is coming out from Brooklyn and we will go to the ER to meet with my mom and the doctors. My other brother happens to be out of town in Tuscon Arizona so we got my SIL. She will call my bro once we know how what dads status is.

THe shit thing is my dad never did a general DNR, just one on file from the last time he was in the hospital. We forgot that one little document when we set up the wills and health care proxys. So, once the medics got the weak pulse they had to do everything to bring him back.

Right at this moment, I have no silver lining to this tale.
I don't want my dad to die, but when he does, or if he did, I wanted him to just go to sleep. NO pain, no problems.
Now all I can think of is him realizing he was falling and could not stop himself from pain.


I have nothing left guys..............

and now for my favorite little guy....

He just came from the groomer, who put on the "I am a cub scout" bandana, and he is my happy place. He has become my home.
Don't ya just love him?

From my journal entry on ck.

If you are reading this blog for the first time you, and you are struggling with losing weight, thinking that it is just not worth it, please, reassess.

Preface: to those who do not know me: I had the gastric adjustable band put in on January 24, 2006. This was my only option after years of worsening health. It is a tool to help me out. It is not for everyone and not everyone should think about WLS as an "easy way out" because it isn't.But, after years of frustration, yoyoing with the same 10 pounds, feeling that even though I was really learning and doing what was correct for a healthier life, I was unable to do it.

It is now 10 months with my "tool" that reminds me when I am full and to stop eating now.
I have gone from my high of 316.5 to at this moment 255.

Here is the reality. The band is the tool. I exercise every day for at least 30 minutes, even if I am in pain and can only walk my dog slowly. I get the heart rate going.I eat lower carbs and higher quality proteins. I keep away from as many processed foods as I am able.

And I have a sense of humor.
And I believe in myself.

You guys can do it. The struggle may seem too hard right now, but work on getting the mind in the right place and the body, with or without a "tool" like the band, can come along.

My tool would not be working without my brain working with it.

I hated how I looked.
I love how beautiful I am today.
I can imagine how beautiful I will be in another 60 pounds.

Good luck on your journey.

My respect for the medical profession just got higher.

Pseudo Tumor Cerebri is what the neurologist is using at the moment.

I saw Dr. Levy one of the partners in the neurological group I go to. My regular guy was not able to fit me in. I went today and he is not happy. My exam was incredibly thorough. I have a whole litany of problems, more than I even realized before he examined me.
He did one funky test where I had to close my eyes and smell something out on first my left nostril then the right one. I thought at first it was compost, then with the right nostril it smelled like a wonderful cup of perfectly made coffee. My hearing in my left ear is completely different from the right side. My strength on my left side in general is 50% worse than the right. I drag my left leg and if not careful my right one drags also. If I do not have a counterbalance at times I end up walking backwards when I want to go forward. My arms go tingly and numb.
I have been getting massive headaches that stab at my eyes and my sight is narrowing. If I am not better with the headaches then on Monday I have to get a blood patch done.I may have ruptured the scab healing where the hold was for the spinal tap. Yuck. The tap was bad enough.

Dr. L. is sending me for more tests. Hesmiled at me after all the concern he showed and he said no one on his watch dies, that he won't allow it. I like this guy, this doctor who really want to help or if he can't as he said he may not be able to cure things, he can help to make my life as comfortable and productive as possible.So smile with me my friends...the sun will be out in a few hours and we can go fight the good fight all over again.

Everyone one of you keep me grounded and out of my shell.
Love you all.

Pain

Pain is an amazing thing.
It makes being nice very very difficult.

I use to deal with pain and the emotions by eating.
I turned it inside and made it my fault for everything.

I am not doing that anymore. This shit is not my fault.
I do not deserve it. I am not turning inward. I am turning my anger outward and that is really scarey.

Today was again just one of those karma crappy days. The last straw was and forgive the TMI, when my damn ostomy appliance opened up and everything ran down my leg.

I was at my folks so no embarassment from the outside. I just looked up at the sky and told the powers that be, "You win"

The day went better after that.

I am going to try and post a pic of my hair cut I got. I was just going for a trim but let my hair dresser lady have fun. I love it.

Lets see if I can do this...


Personally, I think I look kick ass georgeous....

Fuck it.

I swear, just when ya think life is leaving you alone for a while.

Okay, long story.

Tuesday morning I get up, call the neurologist and have to leave a message. "Oh, he won't be in until Thursday. We will get Dr. K. to call you back. When are you going to be in?" Now you idiots.... "Until noon when I have to leave to go to my gastroenterology appt, then after 3pm" "he will call you after three" Fine whatever.

I get into my car, go to my Gastro doc who, by the way is happy with my last upper gi series but is not happy with my neurological issues. Life's a bitch, doc, what cha gonna do?

I get into my car. My back is killing me and so I make damn sure I am belted in and driving too slow for most people on the northeastern seaboard. I wait for a red light to turn green so I can turn left. I am first in line, clear sight across the street, no cars coming at me. Light turns green, I purposely wait because I do not want to jack rabbit and hurt my back. I am clear all ways, and that folks is how they say, is that. I begin turning left and all of a sudden a kid on a bike is going across the street I am turning on and I end up plowing right into him. I jammed on my breaks, the kid thank goodness is wearing a helmet properly and he falls away from my car. My first thought is WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH JUST HAPPENED? I still see this dumb fucking 14 year old kid falling in front of me. I jammed my car into park and do not know how I did it but got out and literally dragged his ass out of the middle of on coming traffic (of which three cars did not even think about stopping) He already was up and saying he was fine. He said his mom was going to kill him and he just wanted to go home. I told him that if he moved one foot from me I would kill him.

There were 6 different witnesses telling me I was not to blame as was the kid saying it. I didn't care, this kid could have been killed by two tons of car. Right at the moment I am still shaking.

Anyway, once the kid is fine, bike is not bad, I lost it. Two of the witnessess took me by the arms and helped me back to my car. I began shaking and could not stop. I could not make myself move my car. Instead they asked another witness to move my car and helped me to the sidewalk where I stood for two seconds and then promptly sat my self down on the corner and almost passed out. I did not know it then but from jamming on the brakes and then getting out of the car, I wrenched my neck and back. The witnesses who hung around were wonderful. They called 911 and made sure the police got the kids name and info as well as their info. They called an ambulance and while the kid went home I ended up in the ER in a neck brace and a butt full of morphine for pain for 10 hours. My x rays showed possible damage to my C1-3 spine and problems with my lower lumbar spinal. I went for a CAT which said that nothing was fractured or broke but I do have "Disc disease". I could have sworn the ER doc also said "Degenerative" but my mom says no. Maybe the doc just meant my demeanor.... The ER doc said there are narrow spots along my spinal column and I will need an MRI to determine exactly where and what damage is going on. SO I was realeased with good drugs that unfortunately I reacted badly too after awhile, dry heaves for three hours. People, I think I am going to quit everything for a short while. I cannot face my car. Just thinking of starting the engine is making me nervous. My neck hurts to move any way at all. My eyes are better off looking straight ahead.

And my dog pooped all over his butt yesterday and I have to get dried poop off of him.

Now, I apologize to anyone who does believe in god.

I was agnostic. Now I just hate that higher power. He/she/it/they/ whatever has to exist and I am just really really pissed off. I am not Job, I have no boils on my butt at the moment but after being sick with one thing or another for over 25 years and every time I think I am making headway, something drags me down, I can't forgive and forget any longer. As for the boy, I hope his mother first hugged him closely and then beat the living tar out of him for being so fucking reckless. I will say this, I am grateful that I had to have an xray of my spine and an ER doc with a good eye.

This was last night.
Today my neurologist called me and did use the words "Degenerative disc disease" but nothing big time. Yet.

Now I just need to stop throwing up and being in pain.

One step ahead, two steps back....

The request on CK.

someone asked in a thread for a new challenge.

Okay, here is one.

For one day,just one day,
say, act, do, nothing mean or nasty or destructive to anyone including yourself.

Intentionally or unintentionally.

Then journal how your day went.
It is both the hardest and easiest challenge around.

After the last month, I need to do this.

Medical Tests and Really good drugs

First off, let me just say this:
SPINAL TAPS FUCKING HURT LIKE HELL!

Ah, that done, Intra muscular valium is a nice nice drug but does not stop the pain. It just kept me from throwing a hissy fit when the needle went in.
It took about an hour, thirty to get the damn needle into my spine properly and thirty to get the pressure from a whopping 300 down to 70.
Normal is between 60 and 180. I was flat on my stomach under fluroscope for the test and then rolled to be flat on my back for five hours afterwards. Percoset is a nice drug. I came home and slept at my folks. I woke up with a massive headache. I could not stand up at all without someone holding me. I called the neurologist who said I needed to stay on my back for the rest of the weekend.

Just remember folks. SPINAL TAPS FUCKING SUCK.

Reality

Lease is signed.
Management has been told. I held my tongue and was nice.
My folks and I will be getting our security deposit back.

Next up:
Lumbar puncture. Gonna be taking lots and lots of valium today, tomorrow and Friday (IV on Friday)

Unofficially I have now lost a total of................60 pounds since December 2005. I am shooting for another 20 by December 31,2006.

Reality, what a concept.


One last thing:
"Eat to live, do not live to eat."

More people need to get a grip on this concept.

New digs

Today at 4 pm we sign a one year lease on the apt in Long Beach.
December 15 or so we move in. December 20th I plan on having my nervous breakdown.
I am dealing with elderly parents, two brothers, my own medical issues and a needy puppy.
Can I just suck my thumb and eat ice cream all I want?....

Relationships

I believe I took my first step into the world of relationships with one statement...

"I am moving in with my folks for a year in Long Beach."

"What happens after a year?"

"After a year, since I have noone begging me to stay, I will probably move down to Virginia to be near my nieces."

Dead silence at that point...

Short of saying, well are you going to get serious about me, I believe he got the message...

Finally.

Todays Horoscope

Cancer
If you get too fixated on results, you could lose all sense of joy and inspiration. Stop being so practical and focus on the journey, not the destination. After all, without a sense of joy, the results are worthless.

A bit emotional at the moment

I got a call from my neurologist and he wants me to move up the spinal tap. So now it is scheduled for Sept 29th.

TERRIFIED!!!! That's me.

I have to call up Social Security and reschedule a phone interview for SSI. It was to be on the 29th.

Today was not a good day balance wise. The dizziness and feeling off balance would not go away and my eyes seem to be taking the brunt of it. This may look normal size writing but I am actually typing it with a very large font.

There is a part of me that hopes that my spinal fluid level is too high and after they take the excess out I will do better for a time. The other part of me hopes the levels are normal. I do not want to face a life of spinal taps every six months or so to keep levels proper.
I can't get a shunt in the chest due to asthma (shunt would normally go from brain to chest area where the excess is absorbed and then naturally gotten rid of, too easy to get an infection) and I can't get a shunt in the stomach area because of the Crohns disease (too easy for infections to start).
If the levels are normal then my neurologist is going to scratch his head and probably retest me for everything under the sun. My mom and I are whispering the initials MS. This time I am not going to put the cart before the horse. I don't want MS.

Long Beach, here we come!!!!!!!!!

Just waiting for the lease so my mom can sign it and we are good to go by Dec 15th.

Life just got a whole lot easier and a whole lot more complicated at the same time.

One year, just one year living with my folks. Then reassess.

The horse must have been pushing the cart...

Putting the cart before the horse

That is what my mom says I do all the time. I think things out to their conclusions and have every duck in a row before things actually happen. This is why I get my butt kicked all over when things do not go the way I envisioned them.

Well, I have to say, even though my butt may be kicked, so far so good regarding the apt.
My mom would be the name on the lease and her credit rating is and I quote the agent "Spectacular". The agent faxed over all the info to the condo owners agent and thinks we should hear something today.

My "cart" is definitely in front of the "horse" with this one. I so want it to be a done deal so that I can tell the management company of where I live right now to go fuck themselves.

I was thinking this morning while I was walking Jazzy that once in the apt, after a nice long walk, Jazz and I could come back to the apt and hang out on the balcony.'

Once, just once, let this cart go first...

If we could just turn the gallons into crude oil...

I was over at CK just reading blogs and Jennie(Scaleho) wrote something that was fun:

I just read something that helps me visualize the loss of fat. I read on *cough* another website that a gallon jug holds six pounds of fat. I love that I can picture my 12 lbs. lost as TWO gallon jugs of jiggly yellow crud. Lovely!

I have now lost 56 pounds. That is a bit over 9 gallon jugs of oily gross fat. If I could just turn that into gasoline, I could fill my car up to three quarters full.

Interesting visualization. I don't know if you read this Jennie, but thanks for the idea! :)

And now, something completely serious

I spoke to my Neurologist yesterday. He is not happy that my dizziness is not improving with the PT. He wants me to get a spinal tap done.
Now, if I ever wanted to throw a tantrum, crawl into a ball, suck my thumb and wet my panties, it would have been exactly the time he said "Spinal Tap".

And it is not the pseudo rock group....

I have had to have 5 taps done in the past 15 years. From the first one I found I get frantic and cannot deal with it. I mean CANNOT DEAL WITH IT.
#4 I almost kicked my then neurologist in the nuts it hurt so much.

#5 I had to be given IV light sedation and have it done under floroscope. I still wimpered and cried and according to the radiologist, cursed the day he was born.

So, #6 will be the middle of October.

SHIT.

6th fill is a winner

I went in on Friday for my 6th fill of my gastric band. We got a keeper. I have to be on liquids till tomorrow night but even with soup I can only down about 8 ounces before I am full. Can't wait to see how I do back on food.

Weighed in 2 pounds less than last month. Not much, but it was still a scale loss.

just a giggle

A compliment


A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." He never heard the shot....

Walk from Obesity tomorrow

I promised to do this NYC walk tomorrow. Just two miles but I have to catch the bus around 7am. Yuck!!!

I am really not a joiner but I figured that a nice walk around Riverside park with about a 1000 other people is something to do.
It is suppose to be nice out and I have no excuse not to do this.
It will be interesting walking with other WLS people. Pre op's, post ops, very post ops...

And, I get tee shirts. 18/20's :) see below...

Clothing sizes

So, I have coupons for Lane Bryant. I need new bras. I go to LB. I get bras. I then go for mental broke and try on a few shirts in size 18/20. Hot Damn they fit. A touch snug but nothing to say no to. 18/20 top. WOW. One year ago I was wearing a size 28/30.
Makes the day wonderful.

Hissy fits and gentle tantrums

Well, I guess hissy fits and tantrums win out. :(

I suppose that I like a really good tantrum now and then. It is just that over the years my tantrums did nothing but make my day miserable. I could scream and rant and rage as good as the next person. I have gotten tired of the hissy fit and tantrum lately. Especially with my medical issues. How can one throw a tantrum when they know the situation is totally out of their control? But then again, maybe they are the best ones...?

It isn't that I deal with all the shit that goes on in my life gracefully, rather I deal with it first by considering all the bad and negative things that could be. Then I make myself stop and repeat, almost as a mantra "There are only two things in this world that are so important, Life and Death. You are alive and not dead, therefore, go out and enjoy the day. Laugh at nothing, laugh at everything.

Then again, maybe soon, I could give in and pout for a while.

Cancer
There will always be stresses present in day-to-day living. You can throw a tantrum like a kid, or you can learn to deal with them gracefully. Do so, and you'll increase your sense of humor and your inner joy.


Hell yes!

Here are some pictures I took of the apt. I found out that there is a roof garden that everyone who lives in the building has access to. The outdoor shots are either on the balconies or on that roof.
http://s112.photobucket.com/albums/n197/sandgee1962/apartment/

Yes, the place looks really messy. But I can see it in my head after the owner replaces the carpet and paints. I also can see Jazz and I up on that roof playing a game of fetch. Just not with a bouncy ball.

Two rooms I did not take pics of are the two bedrooms. The one with the pic is the master bedroom. I would take over the two other rooms.

I have convinced my folks to make an offer so I will talk to the agent tomorrow and see what is next.

This ones for Vicki's: Breaking down barriers.....#10

"Barrier: I've tried to exercise regularly in the past and failed. "


I remember this barrier as the biggest one for me concerning exercise.
I realize now that I was not exercising regularly. I was fooling myself.

It is really a mind game.
I walked yesterday for an hour, today I can take it easy.
I swam once already, I can take a day off.

The way to end that barrier was and is consistency. I may not run marathons, nor miles upon miles of biking, but I do something to elevate my heart rate every day. It may be 30 minutes, it may be 2 hours, but it is something.
I think that this way is the best way for me.
Physically and mentally.

Thanks Vicki, for the topic.

Getting Closer

Talked to the rental agent regarding the Long Beach Apt. The owner is going to put down new carpet and paint. One thing down.

I made an appointment with the agent to see the place again. This time I will take pics and take a tape measure.

I asked the agent about price negotiations and she believes that if we put in an offer we can probably end up paying $250 less than quoted.

I also did some phone work for my parents regarding their auto insurance and home insurance.
I was amazed to see the prices they were paying. Well, that is now being taken care of.
I love being able to save people a couple thousand a year.

I have now officially taken over my parents bookkeeping. My mom even gave me an offical title: Administrative Officer and Head Bookkeeper.

Pay's shit but I do get free meals. :)

September 11th

All I still see in my head is the towers falling.
I still feel numb.

Zen and Apartment hunting

(From the balcony of the apt my mom and I saw. This is not a pic I took. It was not overcast today.)

Went today with my mom and Jazz to meet the agent for a 3 bd/2bth apt in Long Beach, NY.
The second we walked into the building to wait for the agent I had such a sense of peace and well being come over me.
There was a concierge and when a visitor comes in they have to sign in.

I lost the lump that had been sitting in my stomach and I just felt calm.

We looked at an apt on the 8th floor. The building I think has 10 floors.

My first impression when I walked in was, damn this place is a fucking mess. The people renting there now are in the middle of moving to a house. It took me a few minutes to get past the clutter. Jazzy took to it immediately and found their cat.

Okay, you come in the front door and turn left. The first thing you see is a large balcony that overlooks the ocean on one side and the street on the other. Then there is a large kitchen with D/W microwave etc.. that opens up to a HUGE Living room. We are talking it could be a studio apt all on its own.
Going back the other way is a large closet then a bathroom, nice size but needs a good cleaning. Then there are two bedrooms, not too small not too large. Another closet on the right with a Washer/Dryer.
Then the master bedroom. Another huge room. The bathroom has two sinks, shower and jaccuzzi tub. And the balcony. Again looks both onto the ocean and onto the street.
It was, even with all the clutter and mess, very airy, lots, tons of light.
Only water is included though.
There are also two parking spaces reserved which is incredibly important during the summer and there is no street parking.

It is expensive, but so far that is the only down side. I asked my mom for her gut feeling, no logic, no reasoning, just gut. She said "This is what I have always wanted". That, along with the very calming positive vibes I felt, means that it is very high on the list. We will work out the money.

It was very interesting how I felt the whole time I was in this building.
I know some people do not believe in karma or psychi inner eye but I swear that from the second I was in that building all my stress and such were gone. Even with all the mess, I felt a light and floaty type of feeling in that apt. Incredibly Zen, purely intuitive emotion.
Even if we do not get this apt, I know that moving into a place similar, with the same airy feeling and a kick ass balcony, will be the best thing for all of us.

I faced the Doughnut.

Now that my drama queen tantrum is calming down, I am slowly regaining my taste for food.

My mom brought home a dozen Dunkin Donuts last night.

I opened the box and swear I smelled heaven.

I closed the box and said I would have some if I finish my dinner.
Had dinner. Could not eat anymore, so I did not have any of the donuts.

Three hours later, I had half an iced donut and actually put the other half back into the box. It was wonderful and more than enough.

Wow, is that what normal people do with food? Not shove it down your throat as though it were your last meal?

What a concept.

Just a thank you to everyone who has been putting up with me lately.
Also a thank you for your pm's and blog comments etc etc...

When you feel like nothing it is very nice to find that you are something to someone.

I spend an hour with my therapist and she helped me get my three year old child under control. After the paralyzing fear and anxiety eased off a bit, I put all the paperwork I had to do into a bag, took it and Jazzy up to my folks.
I actually got in a small dinner. Inside of an eggroll and an ounce of chicken lo mein. I attempted a bite of a donut but that didn't go well.
Think of a dry sponge going into a small wet pouch. OUCH.

After I regained myself and the sponge went down finally,
I sat my butt down at my mothers writing desk and started to go through the papers.
It took me three hours but I have all my envelopes and checks to go with them done and ready for mailing.
I have my application for Empire Blue Individual health insurance ready to go out on the 15th so it will start as of Nov 1. I am just waiting on a letter of continuous coverage from my current insurance provider.
I have envelopes made out to the medical records dept. of the various hospitals I have been in. I just have to pen a letter to them with the proper information so they can send me all my medical records. I fear that expense will be huge.

Tomorrow mom and I go see apts. We discussed the possibility of renting a house if the price was right. It is not out of the realm of possibility.

Panic and Anxiety

Thats all.
I am in the middle of it and it is paralyzing me.
I ate one egg and a handful of baked potato chips. I drank 20 ounces of protein drink. These have been the only things I have been able to put down my throat in the past 48 hours due to stressing out.

The hardest part here is I have my logical grown up side arguing with my 3 year old defensless child. I know things will work out alright. I feel like I am getting the crap beaten out of me by a mean nasty cruel world. At the moment the beating is winning.

I called my therapist though and got an appt with her for 1pm today. I always feel like such a schmuck when I feel like I need someone to take care of me to get me through all this.

Sigh, three steps forward, one step back...

The little boy is home

I had a miserable night without my Jazzy with me.
Picked him up around 11am and we came home. The poor little guy has that dumb cone around his neck and head. No dignity left.

We climbed into bed and either slept or watched TV till 5pm.
His pain killers wore off and my heart hurts hearing his crying. So I got him to eat some food and gave him another pill.

I hope I can keep that cone on him for a few more days. He already figured out how to open the velcro strip.

His baby teeth are all out now. He is not in pain with that, he downed his dinner fine.

But, he still has a slight ear infection. I got some new meds and maybe, just maybe Jazz will sit still long enough for them to stay in his ear.

I tear up when I think about how little Jazzy asks of me and how much he has given to me in the 5 months he has been with me. Somehow he got into my soul and even though it sounds ridiculous to say this about a dog, I finally know what being "in love" with someone feels like. My heart was torn up when he was not with me yesterday. My heart was happy when he came home. I can no longer imagine not living my life with him.

What a wonderous and dangerously powerful feeling that is.

Apartment Hunting

Hopefully Mom and I will go see an apt in this building in Long Beach,NY.

It is a 3 bd/2bth. It has a view of the Atlantic Ocean, and pets are allowed. Parking available, Central air conditioning and washer/dryer in the apt. There is a deck which my mom would love. It is right off the boardwalk.

It is expensive to rent in Long Beach but with me living with my folks it is doable. It will be available December 2006.

I have two agents working on finding something.

We shall see.

Results not Typical

For the umpteenth thousandth time I saw another one of those TV ads for this or that type of weight loss product.

I love the little disclaimer that is always on the lower part of the screen when a testimonial is being given:

"Results not Typical"

Now, I am fully aware that a product would not sell if you had the typical persons results show up but hell, I would give a dollar or two to the commercial that had testimonials from the typical results.

"I took this product and all I lost was $50.00 and shipping and handling."

Now that would be fun.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have had the day from all levels of Dante's Hell.

I had a emotional and mental breakdown of epic proportions.

I was a major drama queen.

Started with taking Jazzy in to get neutered and I cried all the way home after I left him with the vet.

Continued with posting things that are not mine to give a damn about. If it doesn't offend others it should not offend me.

All day long I was lonely with out my little boy. I kept making sure that my feet did not move around under my desk because that is where Jazz loves to sleep while I surf.

I called around 5 pm to see if Jazz was ready to come home. The nurse said that because of two emergency surgeries that Jazz had just finished surgery and was still asleep. They were going to keep him overnight to monitor him. All went well.

I went to get the mail and my parents mail. Took it up to them. Got a letter from my disability Lawyer who had gotten a letter from a doctor who I had seen back in 1994 or 1995. That doctor says I was never there. More than likely my files were purged. I now have to call that doctor and argue that he certainly did see me, he even carved a piece of me out during a bout of Crohns.

I also got a notice from my apt's management company that dogs are not allowed and they suggest that I consider getting rid of the dog or they will evict me.

I fell apart.

I know damn well that the management is singling me out due to my slip and fall law suit.

I feel so damn defeated right now.

I will move from my apartment. That does not bother me in and of itself. I would rather live in a shit hole than give up my dog.

What it is is that I feel guilty inside. This little dog, he has given me back a sense of myself. He has taken me out of myself. He came into my life and made me so much more whole.

FUCK THEM FUCK THEM FUCK THEM.

I gave up today.

My motto has always been, "Giving up is not an option" Today it was the only option.

I have nothing. I am right now feeling no self worth. I feel like I am justifying my existence all over the place.

I need to apologize to myself tonight for giving in and giving up.

So, this is what I did after I got through with feeling lower than ant poop. I got together with my parents and we talked. They have been wanting to move to Long Beach, NY. I cannot financially live on my own any longer.

We do not know how long my dad will last. His Leukemia is back and the chemo is not working as well this time around.

So, tomorrow, my mom and I will start looking for three bedroom apts in Long Beach. Together we can consolidate some expenses and afford a nice place.

After a year, if things get better, more definite, Then another plan of action can commence. If my dad is still with us, we would stay. If he is not, we would probably move down to Virginia to be near my nieces.

I still feel kind of lower than ant poop and I will probably not sleep much tonight, I will miss my boys butt against my back, but I am back to knowing that I am a fortunate person.

I have family who cares about me and will not let anything bad happen to me.

I know completely that I am capable of loving with all my heart and soul that to be without my dog for one night gives me pain.

Someone (hi Susan) when I posted this to another site reminded me of something very very important. I did not go to food to feel better.

" Instead you identified the main issues, discussed them with your mom, and came up with a plan."

What was especially interesting was that while I was writing this, and crying and being angry etc etc... is that I just knew that eating junk food was not any kind of answer for me. That would be like adding insult to injury. I will have to get something down but I just have no desire to eat anything.

Mentally I was considering the junk food in my folks fridge. They have great ice cream and those milky way minis. There is also an apple pie. I just have no desire to actually eat them. Hmmm, maybe mentally I had the binglet and did not need the real thing...

Perhaps that is the true sense of self. When you in some way shape or form do treat yourself with kindness.

Your fate has been decided....

I decided to see what level of hell I could call home:

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv

Your fate has been decided....
You are one of the lucky ones! Because of your virtue and beliefs, you have escaped eternal punishment. You are sent to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!

First Level of Hell - Limbo
Charon ushers you across the river Acheron, and you find yourself upon the brink of grief's abysmal valley. You are in Limbo, a place of sorrow without torment. You encounter a seven-walled castle, and within those walls you find rolling fresh meadows illuminated by the light of reason, whereabout many shades dwell. These are the virtuous pagans, the great philosophers and authors, unbaptised children, and others unfit to enter the kingdom of heaven. You share company with Caesar, Homer, Virgil, Socrates, and Aristotle. There is no punishment here, and the atmosphere is peaceful, yet sad.

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level / Who are sent there? / Score
Purgatory Repenting Believers Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo Virtuous Non-Believers High
Level 2 Lustful High
Level 3 Gluttonous High
Level 4 Prodigal and Avaricious Very Low
Level 5 Wrathful and Gloomy Low
Level 6 The City of Dis Heretics High
Level 7 Violence Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus Treacherous Low

I am tired.

I am tired of thinking today.
I am tired of justifying my existence to everyone, even myself.

This is who I am, damaged in mind, body and soul.
Believe that people are good.. Hurt when I see that many are really just nasty bastards.

Inside of me, every single day, there is an internal war that goes on.
Did I say something stupid?
Did what I say hurt someone in some way?
Why do I think I have anything worthwhile to say?
Why can't I just shut the hell up?

I am tired of trying to understand.
I am tired of smiling
I am tired of being the nice person

I am most tired of my body not doing what I want it to do no matter what I attempt to do to help it.

I have been saying "Giving up is not an option."
Right now, at this exact moment I want to give up.

and no amount of dandelions is going to get me over it.

There will be no little Jazzy's after tomorrow

My little sweetie is getting neutered tomorrow morning.

I know it is best. I am going to be the one crying though when I drop him off at the Vet. He won't know anything different. He loves Dr. Rose and the nurses.

I remember the day I got him. May 1, 2006. Thought I had just made the dumbest mistake of my life.

Right now I can't imagine my life without this little guy. I love his puppy kisses. I love that he is too smart for me. I love that he learns so easily. He is my little boy and I love him completely.

Dandelion break again...

Post CK boredom

Deep Sigh,
I am going through withdrawl pains from CK.

I have limited myself to 5 minutes looking thru the threads and blogs. I pick and choose which ones I will go back to.

I find myself very bored today.
I did not plan anything for the day and the water is too cold at the apt pool to swim. I don't sit in the sun very well for long so I just got in a half hour of rays.
I did walk Jazzy for an hour. That was fun and he had a ball.

Tomorrow he gets the family jewels removed. I am still on the fence with this. I believe in spay and neutering animals that you are not going to breed. I am just sad that my little boy will be in pain afterwards.
Heck, he just discovered his balls and now we are going to throw them away!!!

Medically:
I had to shoot up again with the Humira. I have such compassion for diabetics who have to use the needle every day, sometimes 3 times a day. I have to do this once a week for the Crohns and Arthritis and I just cry when I have to stick that dumb little needle into my thigh.
I do it to try and live a decent life, but mentally, sometimes, it just destroys me.

My thoughts are going a mile a minute. I took a leap from needles each week to wanting to rail against my nonexistent god. It can be frustrating being Agnostic. It makes it hard to rant and rave at "god" when I just do not know for certain whether or not he/she/it really exist.

Now, while I am not too happy with how big I look, I look alot smaller than I did 10 months ago.
I am holding Ava. She was 5 weeks old in the photo and I SWEAR, she was smiling at me.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

This comes from Vicki's CK motivational thread. I like them. They make me think. I wish more people used their brains.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?Unless the pain of an experience is bad enough, and the misery strong enough, most people will not make the decision to change. They stay inside their comfort zone and put it off for another day....What do you Value? Health? Your appearance? Family? Career? Learn to see your vision. CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SEE YOURSELF ACHIEVING YOUR GOALS. See yourself as the person you have changed into.

hmmm,
I thought I would have something to delve into with this. The actual post was longer than here but what I italicized were the statements heart.

So many do not change unless they get into a place where there are only two doors: Death, and Life.

I stayed in my comfort zone for years and years and years. It was way easier then challenging myself and my belief system.

What do I value? What made it so that I pushed my belief system aside and accepted a new way of living into my psychi?

I value my nieces. Wanting to be a part of their lives. Knowing that if I continued down my path of mental destruction, not accepting that somethings in my life are out of my control, I would not live long enough to see these two wonderous creatures grow into adults.
I began to start to value myself. I opened my mind up and forgave myself for what I always considered was a failure in myself. "IF I ONLY HAD..." was banished. "I SHOULD HAVE..." got tossed also.
I value true friends, those who stood by me when I decided on the WLS. Those who cheer me on with every AHA moment I have through this journey.

A long time ago my brother, the college professor, and I were discussing what was more satisfying in life. Here was the choice: Having written and publish a well written, thought provoking article or book; or Riding a Rollercoaster.

He chooses the writing. It involves thought, and thorough research, you learn something from it.

I use to agree with him. Then I had an AHA moment one day when I was recovering from yet again another bout of Crohns.
I wanted the rollercoaster. I wanted something outside my comfort zone. Something that had no meaning but scarey fun.

Sometimes, you gotta just say fuck it and go for it.

On paying bills

I remember the first time I got a credit card bill. I almost fainted from shock. I was probably 22 years old and maybe it was for a hundred dollars.
How did I spend so much in so little time?

I just opened my American Express bill and dang if my hand didn't just let it fall to the floor.

How the hell did I spend over $2100 in 30 days.

Then I came back to reality.

I use my one CC for everything. I even go to the 7-11 and if the amount I spend is more than $2 I charge it.

I do admit though, this last month was a shocker.

But, my brother came up and stayed at the Bestwestern. I had to put it on my credit card because they go in very late and I wanted to secure the room. He sent me the check for it.

I also splurged on new shoes and new clothes. I love the shoes and the shirts and skirt I bought. But, without being able to work it is luxury items for me. Trouble is I have finally dropped enough weight that I was wearing old sweats and tee shirts that were three sizes too big and my sneakers were getting too worn out.

Here is what I find interesting. When I had the WLS I thought my food bills would go down.

Nope. I eat healthier than I ever did and healthy is expensive.

So yeah, I could spend that much in a month.

Now the nice thing: I have AMEX rewards. Lots and lots of points. I am going to enjoy finding the right thing to use all those lovely points on.

Horoscope

From todays horoscope:

Cancer
Anything is possible, as long as you retain your focus. That means getting some very basic areas of your life (like finances) in order before you move onto larger concerns (such as travel and career plans).

Well, since I don't have much money, I don't believe I will be traveling anywhere.

If the fat lady sings....

Does anyone really hear her?

I got some very nice PM's from those Ck'ers I am close to.
I let them know where I am now blogging from and how to get in touch with me.
I also let them know I will never leave them if they need a "never give up" pep talk or just to shoot the breeze. These are good people who respects what you stand for, even if they do not agree. They were and are worth getting to know and listen to.

That said...

Today was not such a bad day.
I spent last night watching the US Open. Man what a great match between Agassi and Behgadht (SP?).
Mitchell and I went to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner. He certainly loves beef. He got one of those new three type of beef burgers. Smelled wonderful.
I got the appetizer Chicken Quesadilla and managed to get through half of it. Mitchell finished the rest.

As for the rest of the night, well all I will say is that even though I really hate going to the Gynocologist, the hormone cream does work fairly well, thank you very much.

My folks finally got a cable/phone modem installed today. They have reached the 21st century. They came kicking and screaming but at least now they can see videos of their granddaughters.

By the way, I want to thank you all for your wonderful words.
I am always concerned when I exhibit anger at something I cannot control because it has always lead me down the path of bad food choices, stress related illness and just an emotional feeling of lethargy.
I will admit I did need a nap in the afternoon, but I think it was more due to spending 3 hours doing my parents bookkeeping and explaining the new high speed system to my mom.

Diet wise:

"You have used 649 out of your net daily budget of 1200 calories and have 551 calories remaining. 28% of the calories are from fat, 38% from protein, 34% from carbs and 0% from alcohol. "

A bit high on the fat but I got in the protein I needed for the day.

I am beginning to move downward again scalewise. An ounce here, an ounce there. It means alot seeing as I have stayed the same weight for about a month now.
The inches have dropped nicely this last month. I want to get new pants, again, but I just will have to deal with saggy butt for a while longer.

And so, my saggy butt and I are off to surf the web.

Ta for now.

Something Liz said in a comment got me to thinking about the anonymous commentor from my entry of Saturday, August 19, 2006.

It's nice to know I'm not so stupid that I'd choose to take the hard way out.

This Anonymous commentor from CK, said WLS is the easy way out. OKay, follow me here.

I have depression and anxiety. I take medication to help my neurochemicals react properly. This is the easy way out. I guess the hard way is to live with the torturous feelings, with brain chemicals not functioning well and pray alot that they go away.

I have had over 3 dozen surgeries to repair the damage that Crohns disease has in some way done to my body. This was the easy way out. I should have just let my body rot from the inside out and died along time ago.

I took the easy way out when I was a kid by getting help for my dyslexia. The hard way would have been to tough it out and stay illiterate.

I spent 38 years on a gain and lose and gain and lose rollercoaster. I gained some of this weight due to medications from my easy way out with my Crohns disease. The rest was because I found that my body is hungry all the time and because there is a chemical reaction in me that was preventing me from getting the final handle on losing the weight. I took the easy way out. I got help by having a band inserted around my upper stomach designed to help the body determine fullness. I guess the hard way was to keep my my mouth shut all the time and live with physical pains from hunger, stay on the rollercoaster and risk a heart attack or stroke before the age of 50.

I take medication for migraines. I take the easy way out because I refuse to live with uncontrolled pain.

I inject Humira into my leg every week to keep my Crohns in remission and my arthritis in check. The hard way would be to be crippled and sick 24/7

Etc. Etc...

I watch my food intake and exercise regime every single day so closely that some days I am furious that I have to do it. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Sorry folks, the easy way out is to cop out and do nothing. The hard way is to accept that sometimes you need modern medical intervention to help achieve a goal.

I have always said that in Darwin's Survival of the Fittest world I would not survive.

Thank goodness I don't have to.