Me and Popee, my favorite toy
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Todays Horoscope
Cancer:
"Big emotions arrive in waves. The trick is to ride them like an expert surfer: You know there'll be a high, a low and a period in which you can coast. Once you get that down, you're pretty much set for life. "
Man, ups and downs,, highs and lows.... yup, pretty much it.
I have no issues with my thorasic spine. MRI was clear. WHoopie...
Today was my second day of PT.
I go for 45 minutes three times a week. I did not realize just how atrophied my left leg got.
I have twelve weeks of PT approved so far from the insurance company. I want to get my leg at least to the point where I can swim laps again. I am going to have to get PT for my left arm also. I see my neurologist Friday. If I can get my left arm to be able to bring itself above my shoulder I will be able to do the laps eventually.
Course, whatever I truly have could be totally neurological in nature instead of just muscle atrophe and I am stuck with the problems.
BUT, I am not thinking that way. I may never be 100%, even 90% but I sure as hell am going to make it very difficult for my body to give in.
I still am not allowed on the recumbent bike. I have to work up to it.
Good things:
My friend Cathy just found out that she does not have MS. She has had that diagnosis for almost 7 years and finally a new neurologist after a new brain MRI said she is fine and probably never really had MS.
My Jazzys tail is healing nicely. Still has a long way to go but at least now it is beginning to get more healed skin.
Me, I got good drugs for now that work pretty good.
Once again, giving up is not an option.
Ta
"Big emotions arrive in waves. The trick is to ride them like an expert surfer: You know there'll be a high, a low and a period in which you can coast. Once you get that down, you're pretty much set for life. "
Man, ups and downs,, highs and lows.... yup, pretty much it.
I have no issues with my thorasic spine. MRI was clear. WHoopie...
Today was my second day of PT.
I go for 45 minutes three times a week. I did not realize just how atrophied my left leg got.
I have twelve weeks of PT approved so far from the insurance company. I want to get my leg at least to the point where I can swim laps again. I am going to have to get PT for my left arm also. I see my neurologist Friday. If I can get my left arm to be able to bring itself above my shoulder I will be able to do the laps eventually.
Course, whatever I truly have could be totally neurological in nature instead of just muscle atrophe and I am stuck with the problems.
BUT, I am not thinking that way. I may never be 100%, even 90% but I sure as hell am going to make it very difficult for my body to give in.
I still am not allowed on the recumbent bike. I have to work up to it.
Good things:
My friend Cathy just found out that she does not have MS. She has had that diagnosis for almost 7 years and finally a new neurologist after a new brain MRI said she is fine and probably never really had MS.
My Jazzys tail is healing nicely. Still has a long way to go but at least now it is beginning to get more healed skin.
Me, I got good drugs for now that work pretty good.
Once again, giving up is not an option.
Ta
Monday, January 29, 2007
This is so cool!!!!!
Months ago my friend Andrea, me, and a friend of hers all called up the John Edwards people who were advertising off camera group readings on Long ISland. I moved, that meant no # to contact me. Andrea's friend didn't get a call but 20 minutes ago Andrea did. She called me, I said yes. My mom said yes, her friend said yes. Course ya gotta pay the piper as it were and tickets, that I thought would be free are actually $125.
Andrea almost choked when she heard that, so did I. But when will this opportunity come around again.
So my mom, Andrea, her friend Jackie, and me are going to go see John Edwards on Feb 8th at the Smithtown Sheraton at 7pm.
To me, this is about as great as going to a Barry Manilow concert and sit in the first few rows when I was a teenager. (NOT ONE NEGATIVE COMMENT ABOUT BARRY :) )
I now gotta remember the box of kleenex.
Andrea almost choked when she heard that, so did I. But when will this opportunity come around again.
So my mom, Andrea, her friend Jackie, and me are going to go see John Edwards on Feb 8th at the Smithtown Sheraton at 7pm.
To me, this is about as great as going to a Barry Manilow concert and sit in the first few rows when I was a teenager. (NOT ONE NEGATIVE COMMENT ABOUT BARRY :) )
I now gotta remember the box of kleenex.
Yuck, ever actually see all the food you eat in one day laid out infront of you?
Well, in theory, that is what I just did.
I conviently... did not record what I ate over the weekend.
Talk about getting a taste of reality.
Lets see the numbers averaging for Friday through today:
food calories:1,288 cals
fat:46 g
saturated fat:11 g
carbohydrate:138 g
sugar:47 g
protein:75 g
sodium:1,702 mg
cholesterol:130.4 mg
Now, while the numbers don't look too bad, the types of food were horrible. I mean hell, 138 g of carbs, 47 g of sugar?
Sandra get off your ass and stop this shit.
I was also not taking my meds over the weekend. Not for my depression, not for my neurological pain, not for anything.
Well, now that reality hit me smack in the face, I find myself hanging my head down ashamed at myself.
"Oh, pity poor old me."
The feelings sink into me. The thoughts of failure step up to the plate.
A couple of weeks ago on CK someone commented negatively (although innocently, since I don't believe she knew who she was saying things about) regarding ______'s blog. She has major issues with her self esteem, has a self mutilization problem. I don't particularly like reading her blog but I do because I know deep down she wants to be a normal girl. I believe she needs the quiet support. She writes very descriptively and while the words are scarey they are hers...
But the negative statements weren't what I am thinking about. It is about how she feels when she fails. She cuts.
I understand the need. I once thought real hard about cutting when I was a teenager. Inside of me was something so ready to explode that I thought that if I just could cut myself somewhere then the explosion would not be so vast and hurtful. Sort of like releasing some volcano steam so the lava didn't spew all over.
I never did cut. I couldn't do it. I ate instead. Calmed down the volcano inside enough.
Trouble is the volcano can build up again at any time. When I am not careful it gets too easy for it to build up. I need more and more food to calm, to quell, the stressor.
I am now 44 1/2. I take meds that keep the volcano at bay. I hate taking the meds but am grateful they are there to help. Some days, like this weekend though, the meds are the enemy and I avoid them.
That damned volcano build up again. I ate to calm the mountain.
You never lose the damned volcano, you just have to be vigilent.
Someone just today on CK had blogged that they were ashamed of the fact that at the moment their eating was out of control. They felt so much like a failure.
It took me until right now to be able to say to myself that "Failure is when you allow it to continue when you know better."
I know better.
Giving up is not an option.
Failure is not an option.
Taking a short break is.
Fuck it, so yesterday I ate 5 Weight watchers chocolate eclairs. Today I won't. Today I will be more vigilant and face the volcano.
Two things important in this world. Life and death, everything else is candy anyway. Today my candy is to get myself back on track and quell the volcano. One pill at a time. One minute at a time.
My world won't end. My journey goes on.
Have a special day people.
I conviently... did not record what I ate over the weekend.
Talk about getting a taste of reality.
Lets see the numbers averaging for Friday through today:
food calories:1,288 cals
fat:46 g
saturated fat:11 g
carbohydrate:138 g
sugar:47 g
protein:75 g
sodium:1,702 mg
cholesterol:130.4 mg
Now, while the numbers don't look too bad, the types of food were horrible. I mean hell, 138 g of carbs, 47 g of sugar?
Sandra get off your ass and stop this shit.
I was also not taking my meds over the weekend. Not for my depression, not for my neurological pain, not for anything.
Well, now that reality hit me smack in the face, I find myself hanging my head down ashamed at myself.
"Oh, pity poor old me."
The feelings sink into me. The thoughts of failure step up to the plate.
A couple of weeks ago on CK someone commented negatively (although innocently, since I don't believe she knew who she was saying things about) regarding ______'s blog. She has major issues with her self esteem, has a self mutilization problem. I don't particularly like reading her blog but I do because I know deep down she wants to be a normal girl. I believe she needs the quiet support. She writes very descriptively and while the words are scarey they are hers...
But the negative statements weren't what I am thinking about. It is about how she feels when she fails. She cuts.
I understand the need. I once thought real hard about cutting when I was a teenager. Inside of me was something so ready to explode that I thought that if I just could cut myself somewhere then the explosion would not be so vast and hurtful. Sort of like releasing some volcano steam so the lava didn't spew all over.
I never did cut. I couldn't do it. I ate instead. Calmed down the volcano inside enough.
Trouble is the volcano can build up again at any time. When I am not careful it gets too easy for it to build up. I need more and more food to calm, to quell, the stressor.
I am now 44 1/2. I take meds that keep the volcano at bay. I hate taking the meds but am grateful they are there to help. Some days, like this weekend though, the meds are the enemy and I avoid them.
That damned volcano build up again. I ate to calm the mountain.
You never lose the damned volcano, you just have to be vigilent.
Someone just today on CK had blogged that they were ashamed of the fact that at the moment their eating was out of control. They felt so much like a failure.
It took me until right now to be able to say to myself that "Failure is when you allow it to continue when you know better."
I know better.
Giving up is not an option.
Failure is not an option.
Taking a short break is.
Fuck it, so yesterday I ate 5 Weight watchers chocolate eclairs. Today I won't. Today I will be more vigilant and face the volcano.
Two things important in this world. Life and death, everything else is candy anyway. Today my candy is to get myself back on track and quell the volcano. One pill at a time. One minute at a time.
My world won't end. My journey goes on.
Have a special day people.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
One year Bandiversary
Today is my day.
One year ago today, I stepped over that huge deep chasm that was my death and joined the losing side. I had the adjustable gastric band installed.
Yes, it is about scale victories. I went from 316.5 to where I am now, 250.
Yes it is about non scale victories. I have gone from a size 30 to an 18/20 in most cases.
Mostly though, it is about my self esteem.
I found it sometime this past year and it has been building itself up. I found I no longer ever want to be put last. I am worth more. I can look in the mirror, and although I am still getting use to who looks back at me, I see a beautiful woman.
My world is not the dark hopeless place it was. There is light, and air and joy and happiness...
My band was my bridge to the world I was searching for. I will be forever grateful to modern technology for giving me my life back.
This coming year for me will be interesting. I have to deal with major medical and legal issues and I still have to get down another 70 pounds before I can consider myself ready to discuss PS for my saggy old body.
I am saving up for the smaller size clothing I will buy in the near future.
My journey is long, Tomorrow starts a new year, the future will be priceless.
To my OH friends and others who have the band:
May all of you who are having Bandiversaries have a wonderful, wonderous 2007. Let us reach our goals, on the scale and in the world.
To my OH friends and others who have RNY:
May all your surgery anniverseries be wonderous and wonderful for you. Join with me and lets reach those common goals.
To my friends in general who have supported me throughout the year. You are dear to me and my heart is filled with happiness knowing that you are out there.
Join me in celebration. Celebrate your lives, your accomplishments, and your joys that make it all priceless for you.
with much love,
Sandgee :)
One year ago today, I stepped over that huge deep chasm that was my death and joined the losing side. I had the adjustable gastric band installed.
Yes, it is about scale victories. I went from 316.5 to where I am now, 250.
Yes it is about non scale victories. I have gone from a size 30 to an 18/20 in most cases.
Mostly though, it is about my self esteem.
I found it sometime this past year and it has been building itself up. I found I no longer ever want to be put last. I am worth more. I can look in the mirror, and although I am still getting use to who looks back at me, I see a beautiful woman.
My world is not the dark hopeless place it was. There is light, and air and joy and happiness...
My band was my bridge to the world I was searching for. I will be forever grateful to modern technology for giving me my life back.
This coming year for me will be interesting. I have to deal with major medical and legal issues and I still have to get down another 70 pounds before I can consider myself ready to discuss PS for my saggy old body.
I am saving up for the smaller size clothing I will buy in the near future.
My journey is long, Tomorrow starts a new year, the future will be priceless.
To my OH friends and others who have the band:
May all of you who are having Bandiversaries have a wonderful, wonderous 2007. Let us reach our goals, on the scale and in the world.
To my OH friends and others who have RNY:
May all your surgery anniverseries be wonderous and wonderful for you. Join with me and lets reach those common goals.
To my friends in general who have supported me throughout the year. You are dear to me and my heart is filled with happiness knowing that you are out there.
Join me in celebration. Celebrate your lives, your accomplishments, and your joys that make it all priceless for you.
with much love,
Sandgee :)
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Lets discuss blood test results shall we?
Normal levels of Cholesterol overall: less than 200
Normal Levels of LDL overall: 100-129
My latest blood work:
LDL: 165
Cholesterol: 348
WTF?
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, back to logging every morsel that goes in my mouth and down my throat.
The doctor, who mumbles anyway, was calling me on my cell phone during my eye exam(Lets not even start with my eyes at this time), so I did not hear him very well, but he said something about it could be a side effect of the Humira I take every other week.
I put a call into the Rhemotologist but the office was closed. I looked up the side effects and such and did not find one word about it raising cholesterol and LDL levels.
I looked up some of my other meds and they show nothing related to Cholesterol and LDL.
I have only myself and my mouth to blame probably. The whole time I was unfilled I ate like crap.
The doctor said let's wait three months and do another blood test. I am all for that. I want no more pills.
So I am watching everything now. I can't do much about the physical stressors on my body but I sure can watch what I put in my stomach.
I am kind of glad to get back to logging my foods on CK. I was getting really lazy about it all. Eating and drinking fluids.
I need the obsessiveness I guess of the daily food diary.
So that is where I am off to.
Ta.
Normal Levels of LDL overall: 100-129
My latest blood work:
LDL: 165
Cholesterol: 348
WTF?
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, back to logging every morsel that goes in my mouth and down my throat.
The doctor, who mumbles anyway, was calling me on my cell phone during my eye exam(Lets not even start with my eyes at this time), so I did not hear him very well, but he said something about it could be a side effect of the Humira I take every other week.
I put a call into the Rhemotologist but the office was closed. I looked up the side effects and such and did not find one word about it raising cholesterol and LDL levels.
I looked up some of my other meds and they show nothing related to Cholesterol and LDL.
I have only myself and my mouth to blame probably. The whole time I was unfilled I ate like crap.
The doctor said let's wait three months and do another blood test. I am all for that. I want no more pills.
So I am watching everything now. I can't do much about the physical stressors on my body but I sure can watch what I put in my stomach.
I am kind of glad to get back to logging my foods on CK. I was getting really lazy about it all. Eating and drinking fluids.
I need the obsessiveness I guess of the daily food diary.
So that is where I am off to.
Ta.
Monday, January 22, 2007
wandering and meanderings...
It is a relief to have the calmness of mind to write for a while.
In short order:
Boo Boo is still there but much better. Jazzy is learning to live in his cone.
It is a major relief to be off Diamox. Psychosis versus possible loss of vision. Jumping off a building or learning Braille. You be the judge.
I am on a water pill though. From the day I stopped the Diamox to today I have dropped 15 pounds of fluid.
I got the band refilled on Friday and I am ready to get myself back on the losing side. I know my body should understand the word "Full" at the end of a normal meal, but it doesn't and the days from Jan 5th when I had to have the band unfilled until Friday January 19th, my body would not let my brain know what feeling full was.
I will admit, I was disappointed in myself. No will power, yada, yada, etc.
But, it did show me that there are certain things in this life that I need to get off my own back about and just accept. One of them is that physically I will never know how to acknowledge what "full" feels like with out modern technology.
So bless the scientists and modern medicine and even the insurance industry for allowing me to accomplish my goals.
I find I am smiling again. That is not to say I am particularily happy about how my life is going but without the side effects of the Diamox, I have a certain airy feeling going on. That feeling like I will accomplish what I need to in life and it isn't a horrible chore.
Happiness has always been my main goal in life. Health, etc get you to that happiness. Sometimes though, just the smile is enough. Today is like that.
Saturday I had my upper limbs tested. Basically you are hit with a very low voltage taser gun.
Momma Bess, excuse the language, but "FUCKING OUCH!"
My right side wasn't too hurting but my left arm went absolutely dead at the end. Every muscle he touched spasmed out so bad I was crying at the end.
The technician said I definitely have Carpel Tunnel in both wrists. He will have the Neurologist read the rest to see why my left arm and then neck did what it did. I forgot that, he tested my neck and while it wasn't too bad, when I went to put on my coat I had a massive tension headache for 5 minutes.
Sometimes the tests are just worse than any darn illness.
Today is the Neuro-Opthalmologist. Lets see how much more vision I am losing.
I am thinnking of starting a contest, when will the government declare me totally disabled. Side bets, when will the eye guy say I am legally blind.
Oh, don't worry, I am laughing at all this.
In short order:
Boo Boo is still there but much better. Jazzy is learning to live in his cone.
It is a major relief to be off Diamox. Psychosis versus possible loss of vision. Jumping off a building or learning Braille. You be the judge.
I am on a water pill though. From the day I stopped the Diamox to today I have dropped 15 pounds of fluid.
I got the band refilled on Friday and I am ready to get myself back on the losing side. I know my body should understand the word "Full" at the end of a normal meal, but it doesn't and the days from Jan 5th when I had to have the band unfilled until Friday January 19th, my body would not let my brain know what feeling full was.
I will admit, I was disappointed in myself. No will power, yada, yada, etc.
But, it did show me that there are certain things in this life that I need to get off my own back about and just accept. One of them is that physically I will never know how to acknowledge what "full" feels like with out modern technology.
So bless the scientists and modern medicine and even the insurance industry for allowing me to accomplish my goals.
I find I am smiling again. That is not to say I am particularily happy about how my life is going but without the side effects of the Diamox, I have a certain airy feeling going on. That feeling like I will accomplish what I need to in life and it isn't a horrible chore.
Happiness has always been my main goal in life. Health, etc get you to that happiness. Sometimes though, just the smile is enough. Today is like that.
Saturday I had my upper limbs tested. Basically you are hit with a very low voltage taser gun.
Momma Bess, excuse the language, but "FUCKING OUCH!"
My right side wasn't too hurting but my left arm went absolutely dead at the end. Every muscle he touched spasmed out so bad I was crying at the end.
The technician said I definitely have Carpel Tunnel in both wrists. He will have the Neurologist read the rest to see why my left arm and then neck did what it did. I forgot that, he tested my neck and while it wasn't too bad, when I went to put on my coat I had a massive tension headache for 5 minutes.
Sometimes the tests are just worse than any darn illness.
Today is the Neuro-Opthalmologist. Lets see how much more vision I am losing.
I am thinnking of starting a contest, when will the government declare me totally disabled. Side bets, when will the eye guy say I am legally blind.
Oh, don't worry, I am laughing at all this.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
My little boy has another boo boo
After the other day at the vet, I thought things would be okay. Poor little boy somehow got a little sore on his tail that he just chewed up into a huge boo boo. I woke up Monday to see it. I freaked out. I brought him back to Dr. R. who said it was a nasty sore and needed a good cleaning. Jazzy got a shot of this and that and a pain killer. They shaved his pride and joy, that wonderful curly tail and stuck that cone around his head.
I have to keep him zonked out with tranq's for a few days because he has managed to still reach the sore when I am not watching him. Right now he is fast asleep on my bed.
My baby could have lost his tail had I not seen this sore and left it for another day.
My goodness, all you parents out there. How do you get through your kids boo boos? It is torture for me. I can now imagine what my folks must have gone through whenever I got sick with a Crohns bout or even now with the neuro stuff. It must make my mom insane that she can not do anything to help me but be there.
At least he has an appetite and is pooping well. Of course being so stoned he has missed the newspaper a few times but, as they say, shit happens.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
You can tell he is my dog....
I took Jazz to the vet today. I was worried about a something on his back. Turns out it was just a scab.
But... You can tell he is my dog. Excuse the doggie TMI but I found out his Anal Glands were not draining properly and his poor little tush hurt him. I noticed over the past week him biting at his tail near his rump but thought he just needed a bath. Boy am I glad I took him to Dr. Rose, his favorite vet, for the little nothing. Dr. R. drained those glands shaved his rump and now Jazz is just exhausted from it all.
Figures though, I have Crohns that made my tush hurt for years. I now have a dog that has a butt that hurts him too.....
Ya just have to laugh :)
Friday, January 12, 2007
Blah, blah, blah
First off, I am sorry Momma Bess that I can't keep up the positive attitude that has gotten me through so much. I have lots to be grateful for, but not too much in the way of positive energy for day to day living.
Sharon, I wish I could have the faith you have. It just is not easy for me to believe.
Big Sis, Vicki, I could use a huge hug only if I had the ability to give one back.
My Neurologist, Dr. L. increased my med's. I am now taking Neurontin. Lets just say I am taking double what I was on a week ago. I am destined to another spinal in a month or 6 weeks.
I fell on my keister yesterday because my feet would not do what my brain asked of them.
I scared my aide and mom more than me. I actually just wanted to sit on the edge of the curb and laugh. It wasn't that it was funny haha, it was just another thing I could not control. If I had not laughed I would have just asked to be put in a padded cell for a while.
I am so furious that I am losing more and more autonomy each day. I want to just jump in my car with my dog and go driving. I want to get up in the morning and walk my Jazzman.
I am lost, as I was a long long time ago, when I was first dealing with the Crohns disease, in the jungle and I just am having such trouble getting out.
Right now the only thing calming my mind and body, believe it or not, is a Barry Manilow CD:
Sharon, I wish I could have the faith you have. It just is not easy for me to believe.
Big Sis, Vicki, I could use a huge hug only if I had the ability to give one back.
My Neurologist, Dr. L. increased my med's. I am now taking Neurontin. Lets just say I am taking double what I was on a week ago. I am destined to another spinal in a month or 6 weeks.
I fell on my keister yesterday because my feet would not do what my brain asked of them.
I scared my aide and mom more than me. I actually just wanted to sit on the edge of the curb and laugh. It wasn't that it was funny haha, it was just another thing I could not control. If I had not laughed I would have just asked to be put in a padded cell for a while.
I am so furious that I am losing more and more autonomy each day. I want to just jump in my car with my dog and go driving. I want to get up in the morning and walk my Jazzman.
I am lost, as I was a long long time ago, when I was first dealing with the Crohns disease, in the jungle and I just am having such trouble getting out.
Right now the only thing calming my mind and body, believe it or not, is a Barry Manilow CD:
Just a really wonderful album.
I suppose I need to be in my field of dandelions....
Oh, yeah, insult to injury. Never heard back from Robert. Ah well, better luck next time huh?
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
A very bad day.
PAIN.
Very very despondent regarding recovery from this pain.
More narcotics, stronger narcotics. Fucking stoned. Gee, ya think if I get to be a junkie I will then be able to get my Social Security disability?
1. Cervical MRI: Degenerative Disc Disease. happens with age. Bullshit. I looked it up, it is normal for someone in their 70's.
2. Spinal Tap: Twice opening pressure is way over even high normal. Taps were done one month apart. WHY THE FUCK AM I TAKING A DRUG that does not seem to help? It just makes me physically angry and irrational due to the sulfa in the drug.
3. Lumbar MRI: Bulging Disc, Degenerative Disc Disease. FUCK THIS!!!!!!!!!!
I can not even rely on my self to keep my eating undercontrol during my unfill. Did I tell you about my tossing my cookies for a week straight?
I have learned nothing. How do I take care of myself when I have not learned the lessons I need? How do I survive?
I can't even take my dog for a walk and pick up his poop. How sad is that. I was going to get one of those pooper scoopers but there was none long enough for me to not have to bend over at least a bit.
What a horribly sad life when you can't scoop poop....
Hell, just a really bad day for me.
Very very despondent regarding recovery from this pain.
More narcotics, stronger narcotics. Fucking stoned. Gee, ya think if I get to be a junkie I will then be able to get my Social Security disability?
1. Cervical MRI: Degenerative Disc Disease. happens with age. Bullshit. I looked it up, it is normal for someone in their 70's.
2. Spinal Tap: Twice opening pressure is way over even high normal. Taps were done one month apart. WHY THE FUCK AM I TAKING A DRUG that does not seem to help? It just makes me physically angry and irrational due to the sulfa in the drug.
3. Lumbar MRI: Bulging Disc, Degenerative Disc Disease. FUCK THIS!!!!!!!!!!
I can not even rely on my self to keep my eating undercontrol during my unfill. Did I tell you about my tossing my cookies for a week straight?
I have learned nothing. How do I take care of myself when I have not learned the lessons I need? How do I survive?
I can't even take my dog for a walk and pick up his poop. How sad is that. I was going to get one of those pooper scoopers but there was none long enough for me to not have to bend over at least a bit.
What a horribly sad life when you can't scoop poop....
Hell, just a really bad day for me.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Reassessment
I am reassessing my goals for a while.
I am like an eating machine while my band is underfilled. I have gained 5 pounds. The drugs I am on also have a wonderful weight gain side effect.
So, I am not going to make it to 241 (-75 pounds) by my bandiversary at this point.
I will be happy with 250.
I am also reassessing what weight I am going to shoot for by the fall. I wanted to be somewhere in the 180's. I am now taking some pressure off of me and just looking to get to 199.
Two weeks until I get most of my fill put back in.
But, I realize I still have a whole lot of head crap to work on.
One of two things are really going on, the Vagas nerve is dead and I really cannot tell on my own when I am full, or, I haven't learned a damn thing about treating my body correct.
Bullshit on the stress, and disappointment angle. Boo hoo, I lost my dad. Lifes a bitch, I want to be thought of first, not as an afterthought.
NOTHING should prevent me from treating my body properly.
I have got a lot to learn...
Sunday, January 07, 2007
So I called....
On Saturday afternoon.
I was sitting on the porch, the weather perfect, watching the sun and the surf. I dialed and left a voice message.
I feel like I sounded like a real moron.
Dang, I am 44, I should have gone thru this crap when I was a teenager.
I was sitting on the porch, the weather perfect, watching the sun and the surf. I dialed and left a voice message.
I feel like I sounded like a real moron.
Dang, I am 44, I should have gone thru this crap when I was a teenager.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Horoscope for today:
Cancer:
You can make the world a kinder, more compassionate place.
Look for ways to improve your community.
Spend time with a wise elder who doesn't have family in the area.
The more love you give, the more love grows.
You can make the world a kinder, more compassionate place.
Look for ways to improve your community.
Spend time with a wise elder who doesn't have family in the area.
The more love you give, the more love grows.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
247.6
6.1 lbs to lose by January 24th,2007
then
24 lbs to lose by April 24, 2007
then
18 lbs to lose by July 1, 2007
then
20 pounds to lose by October 1,2007
then
19 pounds to lose by January 24, 2008
high normal BMI and time to check out PS.
Wouldn't it be a perfect world if this actually happened as I wrote it?
:) As long as the scale goes down each week I am satisfied.
6.1 lbs to lose by January 24th,2007
then
24 lbs to lose by April 24, 2007
then
18 lbs to lose by July 1, 2007
then
20 pounds to lose by October 1,2007
then
19 pounds to lose by January 24, 2008
high normal BMI and time to check out PS.
Wouldn't it be a perfect world if this actually happened as I wrote it?
:) As long as the scale goes down each week I am satisfied.
End of the year positive goals thread...(I posted this on CK and OH)
"I know I have been lurking for months now and I do not participate in the
threads anymore but I wanted the last day of the year for everyone to end with a
positive feeling.Soooo,What have you accomplished in 2006?
I don't want to know what you have not done, nor what you feel you should have done, just what you have accomplished this past year.
Rule 1: others shall look at no good thing in a negative light.
Rule 2: Everyone’s path to the end of their journey is different;
everyone needs to respect everyone else's path.Okay,I will start:I decided to do the gastric band on January 24th, 2006 and have spent the year learning how to use and fine tune this tool. I am right now down 69 pounds. I am 6 pounds from my first years goal on my bandiversary of losing 75 pounds.
I have discovered that I am a beautiful woman inside and out.
I have learned that I will not be put last any longer. I am worth more.
I learned how to flirt.... See my blog for that one.
I learned that not everything is black and white, there are shades of
gray ( :) Sharon)I have discovered that waking up everyday is a joy and each day
renews my soul.I also, finally learned unconditional love via my no longer small
dog Jazzy.Now, I want to hear how great everyone else’s year has gone.
No deed or happening is too small to tell.
And, Happy, Healthy, Joyous, and Prosperous 2007!
"Courage is not about starting something, but about completing it."(Thank
you Miriam for this one) "
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Okay, see here is my Achilles heel so to speak. Almost a year ago I was 316.5 as seen on the left picture. I had seen this face a million times, hated it but got use to it.
Now, as of today December 30th I am actually not 250, I am 248.9. I look in the mirror and do not see "me" any longer. I see a cousin, a relative instead.
That is major "SCARY" to me right now. To still believe I am that person on the left.
But I am not. I am the person on the right. I am most times self assured. I am succeeding at this weight game for the first time in my life. Even with all the things "wrong" I am much healthier than I was one year ago.
One day I will only see the me on the right. I think it just takes time and self reassurance that I am not who I was and I never will be again.
I am attempting to lose the remaining 7.4 pounds by January 24th. If I can, how proud I will be. If I don't, how proud I will still be.
I just can't wait to see me next New Years eve....
Friday, December 29, 2006
Okay, here's the scoop.
Now, remember I never called Robert. I chickened out.
Sooooooo, Today, I got back from the Bariatric Center, I was tossing up my meals way to much, so I got an unfill from the band. (I feel much better now thank you).
I decided to lay down and rest. I turned on a marathon of "what not to wear", totally prepared for a dinner of split pea soup (liquids until stomach has it's rest for 3 days).
Knock on the front door. I was not expecting anyone and in my Jammies so I was not going to answer it.
Mom answered it. Guess who is there? Robert and two of the other guys who moved us in. They were moving in people on the fourth floor and wanted to come say hi to us.
Needless to say, I mad dashed for my corderoy jeans and sweater. They had to go back to moving the people in but I see Robert and he says come on down to the 4th floor, bring my phone # since he did not have mine.
I went down and Robert and I spent the next 15 minutes catching up on life. It felt like just yesterday I was talking to him, not 28 days.
Guys, if I did not believe in Karma and Fate before I certainly do now.
Wow....
Sooooooo, Today, I got back from the Bariatric Center, I was tossing up my meals way to much, so I got an unfill from the band. (I feel much better now thank you).
I decided to lay down and rest. I turned on a marathon of "what not to wear", totally prepared for a dinner of split pea soup (liquids until stomach has it's rest for 3 days).
Knock on the front door. I was not expecting anyone and in my Jammies so I was not going to answer it.
Mom answered it. Guess who is there? Robert and two of the other guys who moved us in. They were moving in people on the fourth floor and wanted to come say hi to us.
Needless to say, I mad dashed for my corderoy jeans and sweater. They had to go back to moving the people in but I see Robert and he says come on down to the 4th floor, bring my phone # since he did not have mine.
I went down and Robert and I spent the next 15 minutes catching up on life. It felt like just yesterday I was talking to him, not 28 days.
Guys, if I did not believe in Karma and Fate before I certainly do now.
Wow....
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
meandering thoughts...
Please, just remember, my blog, my opinion and not a rant about religon...
You know what I saw and read and listened to this past week, other than the sound of me moaning in pain ;) ?
(And mind you this was not only on CK but on OH also, and at my WLS christmas party.
1. I weigh too much, I am horrible.
2. I am going to blow my diet totally because I KNOW I am going to eat too much.
3. Ugh, I am not where I want to be and it is the end of the year and I can't stand myself.
4. etc. etc. etc.
Now, here is what I heard from my own mind:
1. I am worthwhile. Why do I persist in sabotaging my success? Because I do not know how to succeed. It is scary.
2. If it is scary, then it is something I will conquer. To complain without resisting is a failure in my book.
3. Since I will conquer the fear of success, I am not complaining about the few ounces I gained over the last week. To me a few ounces will not turn into a few pounds.
Next topic
I am not religous, I am sure I have said it before. I was born Jewish, raised Jewish. I tend toward Ethical Culture though in my belief system. That and a belief in the idea that you cannot destroy the soul which just joins the cosmos...
but...
I am a bit appalled with the crap that was the holidays. I kind of am every year but it seemed to bother me the most this year.
I watched my niece open her Hannukah presents while she was up here. Now, I know that my brother doesn't believe in any religon, much less Judaism, but Hannukah is not about religon. It was the story of a people fighting for what they believed in. The oil, of the lamp of life, whether it lasted 8 days or 8 hours or 8 minutes more than it should have was just a bonus. The Maccabees won the right to have the choice of beliving in their religon and not to be forced to believe in something they disagreed with.
THERE WERE NO PRESENTS GIVEN OUT. The closest is the dredle game. This too has no true religous backing. It was used as a game for children during the times before the common era so they could learn their torah. You see, even back then, one's religon was not allowed to be chosen. It was dictated and Judaism was not one of them. Children learned in secret. How better to help a child learn than to make it a game and keep the invaders off your back.
I wanted my niece to understand this all. My brother would not let me. So much for history.
I have also listened to my aide talk about all the presents her kids got as well as what her oldest kids got their kids for Christmas.
I watched commercials, listened to threads, again, not only on CK but OH and etc also.
I want a watch
I want the ____________(Insert electronic game of the day)
Why can't I get ___________(Again, insert game of the day)
Why are they celebrating something that truly has nothing to do it seems with "their savior".
But, you say, Jesus was born on Dec 25th. Bah, he was not and there is tons of historical evidence that he was born during the spring during the census counting and Joseph and Mary had to go to Bethlehem to be counted.
What they are celebrating is from a pagan ritual that occured on the winter soltice. Way back when, when it was believe that nature had souls and we are all part of nature, there were people who lit up the dark nights with candles and fires to keep the evil spirits away. Darkness equal evil.
I love the way the lights look now. Always did. They always helped keep the night lit for me.
Now, to the presents, sorry, St. Nick, the original one would be outraged at what happened to his concept of a toy for the children during that same winter solstice to play with because it was too cold to be outside. Indoor playing at the time I guess consisted of counting how many logs were left for the fire.
I know there are people out there who understand. They do not over do it. They go to temple or church and thank the cosmic leader for all that is good in the world and hope that the coming year will be a sweet one.
So, my holiday gift to you all is
Find the joy in the little things in life.
Do what you can to make your life better.
Make sure you and your family have health and happiness all year long.
And then, when the time feels right. Buy yourself something nice.
Love to you all.
You know what I saw and read and listened to this past week, other than the sound of me moaning in pain ;) ?
(And mind you this was not only on CK but on OH also, and at my WLS christmas party.
1. I weigh too much, I am horrible.
2. I am going to blow my diet totally because I KNOW I am going to eat too much.
3. Ugh, I am not where I want to be and it is the end of the year and I can't stand myself.
4. etc. etc. etc.
Now, here is what I heard from my own mind:
1. I am worthwhile. Why do I persist in sabotaging my success? Because I do not know how to succeed. It is scary.
2. If it is scary, then it is something I will conquer. To complain without resisting is a failure in my book.
3. Since I will conquer the fear of success, I am not complaining about the few ounces I gained over the last week. To me a few ounces will not turn into a few pounds.
Next topic
I am not religous, I am sure I have said it before. I was born Jewish, raised Jewish. I tend toward Ethical Culture though in my belief system. That and a belief in the idea that you cannot destroy the soul which just joins the cosmos...
but...
I am a bit appalled with the crap that was the holidays. I kind of am every year but it seemed to bother me the most this year.
I watched my niece open her Hannukah presents while she was up here. Now, I know that my brother doesn't believe in any religon, much less Judaism, but Hannukah is not about religon. It was the story of a people fighting for what they believed in. The oil, of the lamp of life, whether it lasted 8 days or 8 hours or 8 minutes more than it should have was just a bonus. The Maccabees won the right to have the choice of beliving in their religon and not to be forced to believe in something they disagreed with.
THERE WERE NO PRESENTS GIVEN OUT. The closest is the dredle game. This too has no true religous backing. It was used as a game for children during the times before the common era so they could learn their torah. You see, even back then, one's religon was not allowed to be chosen. It was dictated and Judaism was not one of them. Children learned in secret. How better to help a child learn than to make it a game and keep the invaders off your back.
I wanted my niece to understand this all. My brother would not let me. So much for history.
I have also listened to my aide talk about all the presents her kids got as well as what her oldest kids got their kids for Christmas.
I watched commercials, listened to threads, again, not only on CK but OH and etc also.
I want a watch
I want the ____________(Insert electronic game of the day)
Why can't I get ___________(Again, insert game of the day)
Why are they celebrating something that truly has nothing to do it seems with "their savior".
But, you say, Jesus was born on Dec 25th. Bah, he was not and there is tons of historical evidence that he was born during the spring during the census counting and Joseph and Mary had to go to Bethlehem to be counted.
What they are celebrating is from a pagan ritual that occured on the winter soltice. Way back when, when it was believe that nature had souls and we are all part of nature, there were people who lit up the dark nights with candles and fires to keep the evil spirits away. Darkness equal evil.
I love the way the lights look now. Always did. They always helped keep the night lit for me.
Now, to the presents, sorry, St. Nick, the original one would be outraged at what happened to his concept of a toy for the children during that same winter solstice to play with because it was too cold to be outside. Indoor playing at the time I guess consisted of counting how many logs were left for the fire.
I know there are people out there who understand. They do not over do it. They go to temple or church and thank the cosmic leader for all that is good in the world and hope that the coming year will be a sweet one.
So, my holiday gift to you all is
Find the joy in the little things in life.
Do what you can to make your life better.
Make sure you and your family have health and happiness all year long.
And then, when the time feels right. Buy yourself something nice.
Love to you all.
Friday, December 22, 2006
By the way...
Spinal taps are beginning to get easier. Course I went in with 45 mg of Valium.
The radiologist was amazing, even though he missed the first time out, it wasn't too bad and the second time he was in the right spot in a second. I was done in a half hour and back in a bed for 5 hours in no time.
Demorol yeah,
Darvoset Yeah,
High opening spinal pressure boo,
Not as high as last time Yeah,
General demeanor of pain in my back? booo
Having someone else take care of me these few days, priceless....hehehe
The radiologist was amazing, even though he missed the first time out, it wasn't too bad and the second time he was in the right spot in a second. I was done in a half hour and back in a bed for 5 hours in no time.
Demorol yeah,
Darvoset Yeah,
High opening spinal pressure boo,
Not as high as last time Yeah,
General demeanor of pain in my back? booo
Having someone else take care of me these few days, priceless....hehehe
Back by popular demand .....Sharon....
Just throw me the chicken emoticon and call me done.
I am so scared to call. It is Friday and I still have his number.
Part of it is these stupid medications that make me so relaxed I can not stay awake.
I fear I fell asleep last night listening to Mitchell talk. Usually I just tune him out when I am bored with what he is saying. Last night, zip, Darvoset zonked me out.
I promise, I will try Roberts phone number tonight and see what happens.
I still want the chicken emoticon though...
I am so scared to call. It is Friday and I still have his number.
Part of it is these stupid medications that make me so relaxed I can not stay awake.
I fear I fell asleep last night listening to Mitchell talk. Usually I just tune him out when I am bored with what he is saying. Last night, zip, Darvoset zonked me out.
I promise, I will try Roberts phone number tonight and see what happens.
I still want the chicken emoticon though...
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Off for a fun day at the Spa....Not
Off for the hospital for another lumbar puncture. I have more valium in me than is used to calm a horse. Full weekend of doing nothing but laying flat on my back or attempting to get to the bathroom.
If spinal taps DID NOT HURT SO FUCKING MUCH, I would say hmmm, sort of like a mini vacation.....
Ta for now all.
If spinal taps DID NOT HURT SO FUCKING MUCH, I would say hmmm, sort of like a mini vacation.....
Ta for now all.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Babies
This is why you want children....
And this is why I do not have any...
Ah, the wonderful world of my Ava, 5 months old, my niece. We had a great fun time but right now, my day is much much quieter.....Yippie!!!
Apartment photos part deux
One view of the kitchen. In the background is the crock pot. My favorite kitchen utensil.
This pic is in the room we are using as a den. It is a pic of my dads parents when they got things together and came to America. The plaque next to the pic says that their names: Jacob and Rebecca are on the wall on Ellis Island.
The Jacuzzi tub in Moms bathroom. It is slowly becoming my favorite place to be.
My moms Closet. In NYC you can rent out this space for about $1000 a month...
My bedroom. Finally a bed with a view.
Another view. At night, believe me, all the lights shine. I wake up to sunrise.
In the pictures, if you look closely is the photo I took from the many we had of my dad.
And finally, of course the computer, dvd, vcr, cable and television. Heaven forbid I go with out those things....
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Story from the move to Long Beach
I wanted to tell you all though that for the first time in my life I flirted with someone.
One of the guys who was moving us was kinda cute and we just hit it off with humor immediately. It got to the point when he called "Sandra" I answered "Yes, honey."
We spent 8 hours moving from the old apt to this new one.
So I guess I spent quite a bit of time talking with and joking with this guy. His name is Rob . He is a bit younger, I think 37 to my 44, divorced and had one son that was killed about a year ago.
We plugged in my "Boom Box" and he settles on the same music station I would have put on.
So, I did something so uncharacteristic for me. I wrote down my name and phone #. I mean, after you have sat on the same bed together during a move, what else is there to do.
I did not know what to think but about an hour later, when the guys were done, he hands me a card that on the back had his name and phone #.
So, what do you think? Should I wait until after the new year and call him. Or just wait to see if he will call me?
Should I just call and say"Were you serious about catching a meal together or were we just having fun during that one day?"
Okay, ladys and gents, HELP !!!!!!
One of the guys who was moving us was kinda cute and we just hit it off with humor immediately. It got to the point when he called "Sandra" I answered "Yes, honey."
We spent 8 hours moving from the old apt to this new one.
So I guess I spent quite a bit of time talking with and joking with this guy. His name is Rob . He is a bit younger, I think 37 to my 44, divorced and had one son that was killed about a year ago.
We plugged in my "Boom Box" and he settles on the same music station I would have put on.
So, I did something so uncharacteristic for me. I wrote down my name and phone #. I mean, after you have sat on the same bed together during a move, what else is there to do.
I did not know what to think but about an hour later, when the guys were done, he hands me a card that on the back had his name and phone #.
So, what do you think? Should I wait until after the new year and call him. Or just wait to see if he will call me?
Should I just call and say"Were you serious about catching a meal together or were we just having fun during that one day?"
Okay, ladys and gents, HELP !!!!!!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
One of the reasons to live by the water....
This was taken at sunset from the living room balcony. There is a reason to live in a luxury apt that has a jacuzzi tub but there is no way I am taking a photo of that in action......
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
She's Baaacckk!!!
Back from moving hell.
Will have pics up soon showing the new digs off.
I am loving it.
I just found out there is a full gym in the building and it is open 24/7.
Jazzy is having a blast sniffing all the new dogs and eating sand.
My mom is slowly coming out of her depression and her grieving about my dad is easing a bit.
Oh yeah, I am now down to 247. That is now 69.5 less lard than before my banding. I am eating right and even though the exercise is tough with my balance issues I am walking Jazzy about 20 minutes a day.
My goal was 75 lbs down by my Bandiversary on January 24th 2007 and by golly, I am going to do it.
Life is sweet right now.
More to come.
If you visit me come in and say hi in the comment field....
Will have pics up soon showing the new digs off.
I am loving it.
I just found out there is a full gym in the building and it is open 24/7.
Jazzy is having a blast sniffing all the new dogs and eating sand.
My mom is slowly coming out of her depression and her grieving about my dad is easing a bit.
Oh yeah, I am now down to 247. That is now 69.5 less lard than before my banding. I am eating right and even though the exercise is tough with my balance issues I am walking Jazzy about 20 minutes a day.
My goal was 75 lbs down by my Bandiversary on January 24th 2007 and by golly, I am going to do it.
Life is sweet right now.
More to come.
If you visit me come in and say hi in the comment field....
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
vanity sizing.... Hmmm.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15319430/site/newsweek/
Kind of means I should be a size 18 in a few weeks instead of a few months.
Who the hell wants to be a sub zero anyway? Can there really be people that thin?
Yech.
Kind of means I should be a size 18 in a few weeks instead of a few months.
Who the hell wants to be a sub zero anyway? Can there really be people that thin?
Yech.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Meanderings and stream of thought.....
Well, lets see, EEG came back normal except for the fact that the technician said I fell asleep (brain wave activity said so) but I swear I was not asleep.
I am just this close really close to being legally blind in my right eye. My left eye still has a cataract but it is in its infancy. May it stay in childhood for a long time. I am losing a bit more peripheral vision in that left eye though. I believe I will see if Jazzy will be able to learn to be a seeing eye dog. He has already earned his kibble yesterday morning. I was really horribly dizzy and my mom was in the living room watching thenews. I was in the bedroom bathroom. I told Jazzy "Grandma Grandma" which to him means find my mom. He got her attention and brought her to me.
There must be angels cause Jazzy certainly has turned out to be mine.
Mr. Silent is not so silent lately and it is making me nuts. Remember when I told you all about how quiet he got when I had told him that since no one was begging me to stay in NY after a year I would probably move with my mom down to Virginia? Well Mr. Silent sure has been attentive.
He took me out to dinner twice, and when I called and told him that my dad had past away, he was a bit angry I had not called earlier when dad had fallen and gone into the hospital. I had not called him because I just am use to being on my own. He told me he would be at the funeral.
Monday he showed up and I went over to him and gave him a huge hug, letting him know how pleased I was that he would show up.
After the ceremony I did not get to see him so I figured he had to get to work. We went to the cemetary and I kind of stood next to my mom and my brother Alan but behind them. All of a sudden I feel someone holding me around the waist. I thought it was my cousin James, someone who is a few months younger than I and we grew up together. I turned around and it was Mr. Silent, Mitchell himself.
The ceremony at the cemetary was about 15 minutes and he never let me go. It was as if he knew I needed someone just for me. That my mom had my brothers. The only time he let go was when I put 4 shovelfuls of dirt onto my fathers casket as is the jewish tradition. Then he walked me back to where my mom was standing and held me again.
He went and put in a few shovelfuls also. Then came back.
I must say, I was so happy and felt that my dad was honored completely by the 40 or so people who were at the grave site. In jewish tradition, you put shovelfuls of dirt onto the coffin so that the coffin is mostly overed. The back hoe does the rest. My fathers coffin did not really need the back hoe. Nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, all of them, helped to say good bye to my father.
Now, back to Mitchell. He showed up for Shiva that night. Spent time just with me but then got to talking to friends of my brother AL, they are just a year apart. I liked seeing him like that, getting along with my bro and his friends. I got to show off my nieces to Mitchell. Even held Ava while I was talking to him, just to check out how he deals with babies. She got a bit fussy but even so he smiled at her and held her little hand.
So, since then, Mitchell decided I needed a day away so we went up to the house he built up near Yeagers Farm where the original Woodstock was held. It is about 2 miles away. I remember way back in the mid 80's when he started building it but we broke up before he got it done. So I never saw it before. It is really a nice summer type house about a 5 minute walk to a lake. He is still after all these years planning on making the basement into a two bedroom apt but since he does it all on his own, I am figuring on 2010 for that. We had a nice quiet time. Jazzy came along. He showed me the whole area, where he spent his summers growing up, what he remembers of his grandparents who owned one of those bungalow colonies. It was nippy out but not too nippy. I walked Jazz, he mowed the grass and took care of somethings.
We got home around 8pm and I took him out to dinner.
Since then, it seems if I do not email or talk to him twice a week, he gets worried that something is wrong. I am not use to this. I am helping him out with some powerpoint projects but I am not use to Mr. Silent being not so silent.
He will be going up to the house on Thanksgiving with his brother, who is manic depressive to take care of things. I just hope he will get to be with some friends for some part of the weekend.
My mom and I are going to my Friend from Jr. High for Turkey day. We just did not want to go down to my bro John and spend so much time. So tomorrow we turkey it up here and Friday morning, Mom, my bro Al, Jazzy and I will drive down to my bro/SIL for the weekend. I get to see my sweeties and I also do not have to spend so much time there.
Moving day is fast approaching. I keep feeling I am forgetting to pack things but No matter how neurotic I am being, I know it will work out fine.
I just wish my mom would get a bit more into all this. I know she is grieving and I know it takes time but heck, I am grieving also and it is starting to get too much for me.
Being sick, dealing with missing my dad, confused about Mitchell, living with the damn drugs and at least once a friggin day tripping over my own feet is just beginning to be too much.
My working on automatic pilot failed the other day when on the 30th day the candle we use to mark the first month of his passing finally went out. My heart broke and I am still putting it back together now.
But, as I say, Giving up is not ever an option. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
Happy Turkey day to all you turkeys....hehehe
I am just this close really close to being legally blind in my right eye. My left eye still has a cataract but it is in its infancy. May it stay in childhood for a long time. I am losing a bit more peripheral vision in that left eye though. I believe I will see if Jazzy will be able to learn to be a seeing eye dog. He has already earned his kibble yesterday morning. I was really horribly dizzy and my mom was in the living room watching thenews. I was in the bedroom bathroom. I told Jazzy "Grandma Grandma" which to him means find my mom. He got her attention and brought her to me.
There must be angels cause Jazzy certainly has turned out to be mine.
Mr. Silent is not so silent lately and it is making me nuts. Remember when I told you all about how quiet he got when I had told him that since no one was begging me to stay in NY after a year I would probably move with my mom down to Virginia? Well Mr. Silent sure has been attentive.
He took me out to dinner twice, and when I called and told him that my dad had past away, he was a bit angry I had not called earlier when dad had fallen and gone into the hospital. I had not called him because I just am use to being on my own. He told me he would be at the funeral.
Monday he showed up and I went over to him and gave him a huge hug, letting him know how pleased I was that he would show up.
After the ceremony I did not get to see him so I figured he had to get to work. We went to the cemetary and I kind of stood next to my mom and my brother Alan but behind them. All of a sudden I feel someone holding me around the waist. I thought it was my cousin James, someone who is a few months younger than I and we grew up together. I turned around and it was Mr. Silent, Mitchell himself.
The ceremony at the cemetary was about 15 minutes and he never let me go. It was as if he knew I needed someone just for me. That my mom had my brothers. The only time he let go was when I put 4 shovelfuls of dirt onto my fathers casket as is the jewish tradition. Then he walked me back to where my mom was standing and held me again.
He went and put in a few shovelfuls also. Then came back.
I must say, I was so happy and felt that my dad was honored completely by the 40 or so people who were at the grave site. In jewish tradition, you put shovelfuls of dirt onto the coffin so that the coffin is mostly overed. The back hoe does the rest. My fathers coffin did not really need the back hoe. Nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, all of them, helped to say good bye to my father.
Now, back to Mitchell. He showed up for Shiva that night. Spent time just with me but then got to talking to friends of my brother AL, they are just a year apart. I liked seeing him like that, getting along with my bro and his friends. I got to show off my nieces to Mitchell. Even held Ava while I was talking to him, just to check out how he deals with babies. She got a bit fussy but even so he smiled at her and held her little hand.
So, since then, Mitchell decided I needed a day away so we went up to the house he built up near Yeagers Farm where the original Woodstock was held. It is about 2 miles away. I remember way back in the mid 80's when he started building it but we broke up before he got it done. So I never saw it before. It is really a nice summer type house about a 5 minute walk to a lake. He is still after all these years planning on making the basement into a two bedroom apt but since he does it all on his own, I am figuring on 2010 for that. We had a nice quiet time. Jazzy came along. He showed me the whole area, where he spent his summers growing up, what he remembers of his grandparents who owned one of those bungalow colonies. It was nippy out but not too nippy. I walked Jazz, he mowed the grass and took care of somethings.
We got home around 8pm and I took him out to dinner.
Since then, it seems if I do not email or talk to him twice a week, he gets worried that something is wrong. I am not use to this. I am helping him out with some powerpoint projects but I am not use to Mr. Silent being not so silent.
He will be going up to the house on Thanksgiving with his brother, who is manic depressive to take care of things. I just hope he will get to be with some friends for some part of the weekend.
My mom and I are going to my Friend from Jr. High for Turkey day. We just did not want to go down to my bro John and spend so much time. So tomorrow we turkey it up here and Friday morning, Mom, my bro Al, Jazzy and I will drive down to my bro/SIL for the weekend. I get to see my sweeties and I also do not have to spend so much time there.
Moving day is fast approaching. I keep feeling I am forgetting to pack things but No matter how neurotic I am being, I know it will work out fine.
I just wish my mom would get a bit more into all this. I know she is grieving and I know it takes time but heck, I am grieving also and it is starting to get too much for me.
Being sick, dealing with missing my dad, confused about Mitchell, living with the damn drugs and at least once a friggin day tripping over my own feet is just beginning to be too much.
My working on automatic pilot failed the other day when on the 30th day the candle we use to mark the first month of his passing finally went out. My heart broke and I am still putting it back together now.
But, as I say, Giving up is not ever an option. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
Happy Turkey day to all you turkeys....hehehe
Nothing in the world like your computer crashing at the wrong time. I am just happy I had my moms tower and hard drive to use.
I have learned something very important, never touch a crashed computer alone. You fuck it up even worse.
I had "Eric" from Eric's computer repair come down today and repair what he could. I lost so much off line data though. He sold me a memory stick so now I will be totally backing up everything off line every day.
I had collected all my journalling from CK on off line word doc. NOw I have to go back and do it all over. ARRRRRRRGH!!!!
I have learned something very important, never touch a crashed computer alone. You fuck it up even worse.
I had "Eric" from Eric's computer repair come down today and repair what he could. I lost so much off line data though. He sold me a memory stick so now I will be totally backing up everything off line every day.
I had collected all my journalling from CK on off line word doc. NOw I have to go back and do it all over. ARRRRRRRGH!!!!
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Shoes just make the day better.
'You see, the dame had the legs that just would not stop. Her shoes were red, not cherry red mind you but the color of a fine red wine...'
I have never owned a pair of shoes that made me feel so female. I also got a pair in black. I love these shoes!!!!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Just a short message from our sponsor....
Do you know how it feels to walk thru Macy's, and instead of heading to the woman's department without looking at the misses dept clothes, stop in the misses side and see a really pretty zip up sweater, try on the XL, zip it up and find it fits?
Do you know what it feels like to pass by a mirror in that same Macy's and say "Who the heck is that cute woman? Oh, yeah, that wonderful person is ME!
Do you know what it feels like to be able to now share all these great feelings with my friends?
Dancing and partying all around people. Dancing and partying.
Do you know what it feels like to pass by a mirror in that same Macy's and say "Who the heck is that cute woman? Oh, yeah, that wonderful person is ME!
Do you know what it feels like to be able to now share all these great feelings with my friends?
Dancing and partying all around people. Dancing and partying.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Chapter 4: Friendships
I have found out in the past few months just how much a friendship means.
My brother Al's friends, who he has know from high school and college, so, what, 35 or so years, all came to my dad's funeral out of love and concern for Al. They also knew and liked my dad but they came because Al was their friend and needed them.
I do not have many friends living near me and unfortunately the two who are closest to me could not come. One, actually was doing a major Mitzvah (good deed) by watching Jazzy for me that day, and the other was taking her mom to the hospital.
I begrudge them nothing because they have been on the phone with me every day since. Both came to Shiva, one with her boyfriend, who is a sweetie. Most of my friends are long distance and cyber friends.
You all have been like family in your concern for me. My cyber friends come from all different web sights, weight loss, WLS, Shrinkwraplive, as well as my Crohns site, have all been watching out for me.
Friendship is something I never in my first 35 years of life really thought I needed. I had only one close friend from jr. high school. The rest were acquaintances.
It has taken me a very long time to accept that the basis of friendship is a caring about one another. The ability sometimes to agree to disagree but still enjoy the persons company. Knowing that bad jokes will be laughed at. That when it comes down to it, all you need between you and a friend is the knowledge that you or they can say "We'll get through this, together"
Thank you for letting me call you all friends. May I be able to comfort you as you have for me. May I be able to laugh at your bad jokes as you do me. May I be free to tell you what I believe as I would have you do for me.
Now, wipe those tears and have a wonderful week.
Oh, I will get to Mr. Silent and my medical issues in a bit.
I have an EEG in the morning and I am not allowed my meds. I am just this side of pain.
My brother Al's friends, who he has know from high school and college, so, what, 35 or so years, all came to my dad's funeral out of love and concern for Al. They also knew and liked my dad but they came because Al was their friend and needed them.
I do not have many friends living near me and unfortunately the two who are closest to me could not come. One, actually was doing a major Mitzvah (good deed) by watching Jazzy for me that day, and the other was taking her mom to the hospital.
I begrudge them nothing because they have been on the phone with me every day since. Both came to Shiva, one with her boyfriend, who is a sweetie. Most of my friends are long distance and cyber friends.
You all have been like family in your concern for me. My cyber friends come from all different web sights, weight loss, WLS, Shrinkwraplive, as well as my Crohns site, have all been watching out for me.
Friendship is something I never in my first 35 years of life really thought I needed. I had only one close friend from jr. high school. The rest were acquaintances.
It has taken me a very long time to accept that the basis of friendship is a caring about one another. The ability sometimes to agree to disagree but still enjoy the persons company. Knowing that bad jokes will be laughed at. That when it comes down to it, all you need between you and a friend is the knowledge that you or they can say "We'll get through this, together"
Thank you for letting me call you all friends. May I be able to comfort you as you have for me. May I be able to laugh at your bad jokes as you do me. May I be free to tell you what I believe as I would have you do for me.
Now, wipe those tears and have a wonderful week.
Oh, I will get to Mr. Silent and my medical issues in a bit.
I have an EEG in the morning and I am not allowed my meds. I am just this side of pain.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Chapter 3: Moving time is near
Since I am not too tired I will go on to Chapter 3: Moving time is near.
On November 30th I am getting the phone/cablemodem online/digital cable installed. Got a great one year deal of $95.57 for all three services.
Gas and ELectric will be changed over into my name on December 1.
Moving day: December 1, 2006.
So far I have cleaned out 90% of the crap I had in my apt. My brother and I took all of my dads clothes to charity and I moved all my clothes up to my folks apt so that we can pack in one or two wardrobe boxes.
I found an online web site where you can set up rooms in cyber space and have taken the dimensions of all the furniture. I have a floor plan of the apt so I pretty much, after playing with the online program, know where everything is going.
I will take pics after we move in and it is all arranged.
I am SOOOO looking forward to getting out of here. My mom and I need to get away from the sickness feelings that linger in the room dad used. I can't enter the room because all I see is my dad on the floor.
I have developed a great hatred of the apts and the building in general.
Bad Karma going to Good Karma. End of one lifetime, beginning of a new one.
On November 30th I am getting the phone/cablemodem online/digital cable installed. Got a great one year deal of $95.57 for all three services.
Gas and ELectric will be changed over into my name on December 1.
Moving day: December 1, 2006.
So far I have cleaned out 90% of the crap I had in my apt. My brother and I took all of my dads clothes to charity and I moved all my clothes up to my folks apt so that we can pack in one or two wardrobe boxes.
I found an online web site where you can set up rooms in cyber space and have taken the dimensions of all the furniture. I have a floor plan of the apt so I pretty much, after playing with the online program, know where everything is going.
I will take pics after we move in and it is all arranged.
I am SOOOO looking forward to getting out of here. My mom and I need to get away from the sickness feelings that linger in the room dad used. I can't enter the room because all I see is my dad on the floor.
I have developed a great hatred of the apts and the building in general.
Bad Karma going to Good Karma. End of one lifetime, beginning of a new one.
Chapter 2: Feelings about my dad and sadness
Okay,
chapter 2.
I am doing alright. I get the sad feelings every so often.
Like the other day I was cleaning out my desk to get ready to move and I found some hair clips. For some reason I got so sad. I remembered when I was younger my dad would play "Mr. Irving" the hair dresser to me. I always loved getting my head rubbed and my dad would comb out my hair and either braid it or put a clip in it for a pony tail.
I found tears in my eyes remembering that.
I also get the sad feelings when I know I just can't go into his room and say "hey there Pop!"
But, overall, I know that he is soaring high, hanging in the cosmos, in no pain, having a grand time.
I don't yet feel him around me like I do my grandmother, but I am hoping that someday I will feel he is there. Actually, I hope he is watching his granddaughters and smiling"
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Chapter 1: You do the crime, you do the time....
Now it is going to take a while for me to get through all these things.
I may have to save it and then when I am not too tired come back and add to it all. Let's see how far I can get.
Chapter 1: Do the crime, do the time.
The police arrested the aide last Friday and charged her with Grand Larceny in the 4 degree, She stole more than $1000 but less than $3000 so it is only 4th degree. But, she now has a record and her prints are on file. She sat in jail all weekend and was arraigned on Monday. Her friend posted her bail.
She has admitted to the ATM card stealing but not to stealing cash or my dads ring. Her word is worth shit though considering that back in 2005 the son of the person she works for put in a police report of missing Jewelry and this aide was questioned. No one thought it was her though. I am hoping that the DA will put two and two together and charge her in this other case. The jewelry in that case was worth over $10K.
Now, the aide had the balls to call and apologize to my mother, she gave some excuse. She then asked to speak with me. She apologized and I basically told her that her apology is worthless and to me she needs to make restitution to me, as well as fess up about the other missing cash, my dad's ring and as it turns out a ring that was my moms. That wasn't worth alot but come on now.
She assured me that she did not take anything other than the ATM card. I told her that her word is worthless and I expect my money back. As for pressing charges, I told her it was up to the DA. I still would want her ass rotting in a jail.
My father taught his children right from wrong. He taught us personal responsibility.
Honey, you do the crime, you will be doing the time.
And I gotta rest.
I will come back for the next chapter in a while.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Thank you and I will be adding to my tale
Here is my outline:
1. do the crime do the time
2. dealing with sadness
3. moving
4. friendship
5. relationships
6. right cerebral dysfuntion.
Stay tuned. I have too much to do before the move.
OOOH, I feel just like an author.
Love ya my friends
1. do the crime do the time
2. dealing with sadness
3. moving
4. friendship
5. relationships
6. right cerebral dysfuntion.
Stay tuned. I have too much to do before the move.
OOOH, I feel just like an author.
Love ya my friends
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
I'm back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi guys,
Forgive me if I repeat anything I am just not myself lately. Forgive me also for the length.
I am sorry to have not been around lately other than to give a woohoo or great going.
I am still functioning most of the time on autopilot when it comes to my dads passing.
We clashed so much when he was alive but in the last year of his life we did get along and had fun.
I seem to do okay and then something will happen, like when my mom and I went shopping and I realized we no longer needed to buy Cashew nuts because my dad loved a handful of them as a snack. That hurt.
I really do miss the guy.
It is just too darn quiet now. No matter how sick he was, save for the times the medications he got made him really out of it, he made a joke, or just made noise. Living right now with my mom is very, very quiet. I use to like quiet but not like this quiet. Besides, I cannot go into my dad’s room (he had to be in a hospital bed towards the end). All I feel is him and all I see is him lying on the floor knowing his spirit was trying to leave his failing body.
I can’t wait until we move on December 1st. A new place without pain memories. I have cleared out all his clothes and the crap he kept since he was born or at least that is what it felt like, and it is now a whole lot of empty.
****
I did discover some wonderful pictures from when he was a child and teenager. I have them packed away carefully and will concentrate on them after we move.
I also found photos of my mom’s father who passed away back in 1947. It is neat to see this man who may have been all of 45 at the time. He looked so alive.
*****
The funeral for my Dad was okay. I wrote my Eulogy, and reproduced my brother Al’s on my blog. Al and I got the chance to see my dad before the ceremony. Someone had to attest to the fact that we were burying the right body. Considering the last visual of my dad was him hooked up to the ventilator, which was horrible, I was so exceptionally comforted and happy in my heart to see that the men who readied him for his burial made him look calm and asleep. Al and I had written notes to my dad that we read to him before anyone was in the room with us. The funeral director let us put the notes next to his heart and let us kiss him good-bye. That was hard to do.
The funeral was your standard Jewish ceremony, with my brothers and I talking about him to those who were at the chapel. The rabbi had visited us the night before and he made what he said about my dad seem like he had known the man forever. He kind of did know my dad, or rather my dad made sure he knew him. A friend had taken him this particular temple about 12 years ago and my father went up to this Rabbi after the services on Saturday. My dad told this man, “You don’t know me right now, but I want to get to know you since you will one day officiate at my funeral.” The Rabbi, after seeing a photo of my dad that Sunday night, remembered those words.
The only really hard thing about the funeral was when we were at the cemetery and the grave workers physically lowered the coffin into the grave. I did not want to leave my dad in that cold dark place. I forgot for a moment that he was not there, that he was now part of the cosmic world.
There were about 40 or so of his friends and relatives at the cemetery and each and everyone one of us, as is Jewish tradition, took shovels full of dirt to cover the coffin.
I was so proud of them all. No one wanted just one shovel full, some did 3; some did 5 or 6. The backhoe did not have to do much at all. I have never seen so many people work so much together to say goodbye to someone.
Now, for a fun tale, I am standing there, at the cemetery, with my brothers on either side of my Mom and I have her back. I feel someone put their arm around my waist and I am thinking it is one of my cousins. I turn and there is Mr. Silent. Mitchell himself. He did not let me go through the whole thing until I put in my shovels full of dirt, then when I came back he held me again. What a wonderful surprise. I expected him to come to the ceremony but not to come to the cemetery. Then he showed up later that night for the first night of Shiva.
Yes there are wonderful things in this world.
It was a really long week. Lots of food, (I am now trying to rid myself of a sugar high and 9 pounds of crap food) lots of stories, lots of trying to be pleasant when all I really wanted to do was crawl into a ball and cry.
I am so glad for my youngest niece. Bless her three-month-old soul. She just folded herself into her Aunt Sandgee’s shoulder and let me lose myself in her.
Things quieted down by Thursday and I will admit I was exhausted.
Lets see, besides being on autopilot since Oct 13th and handling all the logistics (John took care of his wife and my nieces, and Alan was in charge of taking care of my mom) I also finally finished up my neurological testing. Now, I wish I could say I know what the hell the Neurologist was talking about when I saw him this past Friday, but all I can remember is “Brain Stem Injury” and “I will be doing anything I can to make your life more comfortable.”
I feel like he gave me a diagnosis, but I am so darn fuzzy with all the medications I have to take I can’t for the life of me remember what it is called. I do know that part of the damage was done from my bout in 1997 with Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, and all the other shit happening physically to me since then. Perhaps the best thing that did happen was me getting the Gastric band and losing 64 pounds so far. Another 60 will help but won’t cure me.
So, I am now not allowed to drive anywhere. I have to use a cane to stabilized myself and preferably walk with someone when I walk my dog. I have to take Valium, Furocet, Diamox, and one major ass drug called Lyrica. Let us just say that I have had to spend 3 weeks building up to the dosage the Neurologist wants me taking. They help me with pain, and ladies and gentlemen, you could throw a bowie knife through my body and I would not feel it at all. Yippee for Narcotics. Can’t beat a legal junkie.
Now, I give you THE FINALE:
During Shiva you really don’t use modern equipment and I tried to stay off the computer and web as much as I could. I did not get to look at my bank balance (of which I am completely, excuse the term, anal about). I go online on Sunday October 22nd and what do I see? Someone had taken my ATM card and cleaned out my checking account. I made a complaint Monday morning October 23rd. I got a call on the 26th to come to the main bank branch to see the picture captured at the ATM. I wanted to see what piece of shit did this. Now mind you I could not imagine losing the card which was soldered into my wallet along with, and I am a schmuck, say it out loud please, my pin # in the wallet in a different place.
The piece of shit turned out to be the nighttime aide we had for my father. SHE DID THIS DURING THE SHIVA PERIOD. I wanted that photo to be anyone else. I had thought she was a good person. She got over 1200$ out of my account. I need to fill out a police report but at first I was not sure. I mean I was 99.5% sure it was she. But, then I began thinking back to when my mom kept complaining that she couldn’t find money or after I had taken cash out for the day and night aides salary I could not locate the amount the next day, or money was taken out of the envelopes I left for their salaries. Then the topper was that my mom was looking for a ring that was my dads and it was in the same box as one of her rings. Guess what, no rings.
So, fuck her, tomorrow is a police report. I will get the money back from the bank, but I will probably be out the amounts of cash she stole from us in the house because there is no visual record. I am sure my dads ring was hocked for money.
The moral of this story? Some people are Nasty rotten immoral people.
Some people are caring wonderful loving people.
And I never give up.
Thanks for listening.
Forgive me if I repeat anything I am just not myself lately. Forgive me also for the length.
I am sorry to have not been around lately other than to give a woohoo or great going.
I am still functioning most of the time on autopilot when it comes to my dads passing.
We clashed so much when he was alive but in the last year of his life we did get along and had fun.
I seem to do okay and then something will happen, like when my mom and I went shopping and I realized we no longer needed to buy Cashew nuts because my dad loved a handful of them as a snack. That hurt.
I really do miss the guy.
It is just too darn quiet now. No matter how sick he was, save for the times the medications he got made him really out of it, he made a joke, or just made noise. Living right now with my mom is very, very quiet. I use to like quiet but not like this quiet. Besides, I cannot go into my dad’s room (he had to be in a hospital bed towards the end). All I feel is him and all I see is him lying on the floor knowing his spirit was trying to leave his failing body.
I can’t wait until we move on December 1st. A new place without pain memories. I have cleared out all his clothes and the crap he kept since he was born or at least that is what it felt like, and it is now a whole lot of empty.
****
I did discover some wonderful pictures from when he was a child and teenager. I have them packed away carefully and will concentrate on them after we move.
I also found photos of my mom’s father who passed away back in 1947. It is neat to see this man who may have been all of 45 at the time. He looked so alive.
*****
The funeral for my Dad was okay. I wrote my Eulogy, and reproduced my brother Al’s on my blog. Al and I got the chance to see my dad before the ceremony. Someone had to attest to the fact that we were burying the right body. Considering the last visual of my dad was him hooked up to the ventilator, which was horrible, I was so exceptionally comforted and happy in my heart to see that the men who readied him for his burial made him look calm and asleep. Al and I had written notes to my dad that we read to him before anyone was in the room with us. The funeral director let us put the notes next to his heart and let us kiss him good-bye. That was hard to do.
The funeral was your standard Jewish ceremony, with my brothers and I talking about him to those who were at the chapel. The rabbi had visited us the night before and he made what he said about my dad seem like he had known the man forever. He kind of did know my dad, or rather my dad made sure he knew him. A friend had taken him this particular temple about 12 years ago and my father went up to this Rabbi after the services on Saturday. My dad told this man, “You don’t know me right now, but I want to get to know you since you will one day officiate at my funeral.” The Rabbi, after seeing a photo of my dad that Sunday night, remembered those words.
The only really hard thing about the funeral was when we were at the cemetery and the grave workers physically lowered the coffin into the grave. I did not want to leave my dad in that cold dark place. I forgot for a moment that he was not there, that he was now part of the cosmic world.
There were about 40 or so of his friends and relatives at the cemetery and each and everyone one of us, as is Jewish tradition, took shovels full of dirt to cover the coffin.
I was so proud of them all. No one wanted just one shovel full, some did 3; some did 5 or 6. The backhoe did not have to do much at all. I have never seen so many people work so much together to say goodbye to someone.
Now, for a fun tale, I am standing there, at the cemetery, with my brothers on either side of my Mom and I have her back. I feel someone put their arm around my waist and I am thinking it is one of my cousins. I turn and there is Mr. Silent. Mitchell himself. He did not let me go through the whole thing until I put in my shovels full of dirt, then when I came back he held me again. What a wonderful surprise. I expected him to come to the ceremony but not to come to the cemetery. Then he showed up later that night for the first night of Shiva.
Yes there are wonderful things in this world.
It was a really long week. Lots of food, (I am now trying to rid myself of a sugar high and 9 pounds of crap food) lots of stories, lots of trying to be pleasant when all I really wanted to do was crawl into a ball and cry.
I am so glad for my youngest niece. Bless her three-month-old soul. She just folded herself into her Aunt Sandgee’s shoulder and let me lose myself in her.
Things quieted down by Thursday and I will admit I was exhausted.
Lets see, besides being on autopilot since Oct 13th and handling all the logistics (John took care of his wife and my nieces, and Alan was in charge of taking care of my mom) I also finally finished up my neurological testing. Now, I wish I could say I know what the hell the Neurologist was talking about when I saw him this past Friday, but all I can remember is “Brain Stem Injury” and “I will be doing anything I can to make your life more comfortable.”
I feel like he gave me a diagnosis, but I am so darn fuzzy with all the medications I have to take I can’t for the life of me remember what it is called. I do know that part of the damage was done from my bout in 1997 with Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, and all the other shit happening physically to me since then. Perhaps the best thing that did happen was me getting the Gastric band and losing 64 pounds so far. Another 60 will help but won’t cure me.
So, I am now not allowed to drive anywhere. I have to use a cane to stabilized myself and preferably walk with someone when I walk my dog. I have to take Valium, Furocet, Diamox, and one major ass drug called Lyrica. Let us just say that I have had to spend 3 weeks building up to the dosage the Neurologist wants me taking. They help me with pain, and ladies and gentlemen, you could throw a bowie knife through my body and I would not feel it at all. Yippee for Narcotics. Can’t beat a legal junkie.
Now, I give you THE FINALE:
During Shiva you really don’t use modern equipment and I tried to stay off the computer and web as much as I could. I did not get to look at my bank balance (of which I am completely, excuse the term, anal about). I go online on Sunday October 22nd and what do I see? Someone had taken my ATM card and cleaned out my checking account. I made a complaint Monday morning October 23rd. I got a call on the 26th to come to the main bank branch to see the picture captured at the ATM. I wanted to see what piece of shit did this. Now mind you I could not imagine losing the card which was soldered into my wallet along with, and I am a schmuck, say it out loud please, my pin # in the wallet in a different place.
The piece of shit turned out to be the nighttime aide we had for my father. SHE DID THIS DURING THE SHIVA PERIOD. I wanted that photo to be anyone else. I had thought she was a good person. She got over 1200$ out of my account. I need to fill out a police report but at first I was not sure. I mean I was 99.5% sure it was she. But, then I began thinking back to when my mom kept complaining that she couldn’t find money or after I had taken cash out for the day and night aides salary I could not locate the amount the next day, or money was taken out of the envelopes I left for their salaries. Then the topper was that my mom was looking for a ring that was my dads and it was in the same box as one of her rings. Guess what, no rings.
So, fuck her, tomorrow is a police report. I will get the money back from the bank, but I will probably be out the amounts of cash she stole from us in the house because there is no visual record. I am sure my dads ring was hocked for money.
The moral of this story? Some people are Nasty rotten immoral people.
Some people are caring wonderful loving people.
And I never give up.
Thanks for listening.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Opinions are as numerous as Assholes...
I say with a very deep sadness because I am not a mean person at all but some people who know shit about WLS need to keep their mouths shut.
WLS is a tool to get you to your goal. It is not the cure. You still need to eat a healthy way, exercise and be vigilent.
Researchers are beginning to determine that some people have an issue, metabolic, immune, whatever, that makes them hungry 24/7.
For some reason the Vagas Nerve in the stomach does not work.
Perhaps in time no one will need WLS because the researchers will come up with an enzyme or pill or shot, whatever, that will make that nerve function properly.
Right now though, WLS can be the tool to save someones life.
I am now going back to lurking on CK and staying away from uninformed opinions.
My blog, my opinion, so bite me....
WLS is a tool to get you to your goal. It is not the cure. You still need to eat a healthy way, exercise and be vigilent.
Researchers are beginning to determine that some people have an issue, metabolic, immune, whatever, that makes them hungry 24/7.
For some reason the Vagas Nerve in the stomach does not work.
Perhaps in time no one will need WLS because the researchers will come up with an enzyme or pill or shot, whatever, that will make that nerve function properly.
Right now though, WLS can be the tool to save someones life.
I am now going back to lurking on CK and staying away from uninformed opinions.
My blog, my opinion, so bite me....
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
A Eulogy for my Father
This was the Eulogy I gave for my father at his funeral.
I wrote it in 5 minutes and it was sparked by a phrase my brother Al used "The world seems a far lonelier place without my dad in it."
You can read his Eulogy after this one.
I want to talk about humor and my fathers sense of it. My brothers spoke of his sense of right and wrong. His ability to tell a story. But my dad was also a humorist.
Our relationship was one of an adored little girl and a cuddly bear of a father.
As an infant and youngster he sang me silly yiddish songs as I lay on his shoulder. They were silly songs that he sang to us all, every niece and nephew, grand and great grand. I would fall asleep on that huge shoulder without a care in the world.
As a child he told me stories about his parents and "Uncle" who was my Bubbys(grandmother) half brother who was an inventor. Trouble was, as my father would say, nothing he invented ever worked but they sure looked wonderful. After one night of all the relatives from the old country laughing at him he threatened to jump out of the window, they'd be sorry.
Now I know, to my dad, as a small tyke, this must have been scarey, but to my dad the story teller it became the punchline in a vaudvillian act.
"So, my Mother said to him, 'Jump', we live on the first floor..." My dad needed the rimshot of a drum set for his stories.
One story he told over and over again, Oh, maybe I was 4 years old, much to my chagrin was about one Thanksgiving we spent in NJ at my cousin Jack and Elys house with their kids. My dads oldest sister (20 years older) was there also. Someone, probably my cousin Jack liked to hear me sing and taught me the tune "I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee" well I couldn't say Alabama and sang Alabamala" So I heard the story over and over and over again. It drove me nuts.
In teenage years our relationship was rocky because I wanted independence but he wanted to keep his little girl safe. I couldn't understand it until I was a lot older.
When I grew up and discovered that ocassionally dad was right, we formed a bond that came in laughter and jokes.
He'd sing, I'd groan.
I would tell a joke, he'd laugh.
He would tell me a story about his live and I sat with rapt attention to his foibles as he grew up with his "gang" of Brooklyn friends.
There is a story about Haskell the Barber and firecrackers but that is for another time and place to tell it.
He told me about WWII and his time in India as an air traffic controller.
I still am not sure how we won the war considering the funny tales he told about his life in the Army Air core. He started though as a private and ended up as a seargent.
He told stories of how he me Mom, and woo'd her, with love and laughter.
He loved my mom from the first and he had great funny stories of the trips they went on over the years.
She was the love of his lofe. He always told me he never wanted any woman but her. EVER. You don't see that too much anymore. My brother John and Ann come close to this.
His love was true, for his wife, his children, grandchildren and the NUMEROUS nieces and nephews, grand and great grand. And he shared his gift of humor and story telling with us all.
My brother Al said "The world seems a far lonelier place without my dad in it."
To me the world has a little less laughter in it.
But, where he is now, free from this earth and his pains, he is telling his stories and his jokes to another set of friends.
The heavens are laughing today.
I wrote it in 5 minutes and it was sparked by a phrase my brother Al used "The world seems a far lonelier place without my dad in it."
You can read his Eulogy after this one.
I want to talk about humor and my fathers sense of it. My brothers spoke of his sense of right and wrong. His ability to tell a story. But my dad was also a humorist.
Our relationship was one of an adored little girl and a cuddly bear of a father.
As an infant and youngster he sang me silly yiddish songs as I lay on his shoulder. They were silly songs that he sang to us all, every niece and nephew, grand and great grand. I would fall asleep on that huge shoulder without a care in the world.
As a child he told me stories about his parents and "Uncle" who was my Bubbys(grandmother) half brother who was an inventor. Trouble was, as my father would say, nothing he invented ever worked but they sure looked wonderful. After one night of all the relatives from the old country laughing at him he threatened to jump out of the window, they'd be sorry.
Now I know, to my dad, as a small tyke, this must have been scarey, but to my dad the story teller it became the punchline in a vaudvillian act.
"So, my Mother said to him, 'Jump', we live on the first floor..." My dad needed the rimshot of a drum set for his stories.
One story he told over and over again, Oh, maybe I was 4 years old, much to my chagrin was about one Thanksgiving we spent in NJ at my cousin Jack and Elys house with their kids. My dads oldest sister (20 years older) was there also. Someone, probably my cousin Jack liked to hear me sing and taught me the tune "I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee" well I couldn't say Alabama and sang Alabamala" So I heard the story over and over and over again. It drove me nuts.
In teenage years our relationship was rocky because I wanted independence but he wanted to keep his little girl safe. I couldn't understand it until I was a lot older.
When I grew up and discovered that ocassionally dad was right, we formed a bond that came in laughter and jokes.
He'd sing, I'd groan.
I would tell a joke, he'd laugh.
He would tell me a story about his live and I sat with rapt attention to his foibles as he grew up with his "gang" of Brooklyn friends.
There is a story about Haskell the Barber and firecrackers but that is for another time and place to tell it.
He told me about WWII and his time in India as an air traffic controller.
I still am not sure how we won the war considering the funny tales he told about his life in the Army Air core. He started though as a private and ended up as a seargent.
He told stories of how he me Mom, and woo'd her, with love and laughter.
He loved my mom from the first and he had great funny stories of the trips they went on over the years.
She was the love of his lofe. He always told me he never wanted any woman but her. EVER. You don't see that too much anymore. My brother John and Ann come close to this.
His love was true, for his wife, his children, grandchildren and the NUMEROUS nieces and nephews, grand and great grand. And he shared his gift of humor and story telling with us all.
My brother Al said "The world seems a far lonelier place without my dad in it."
To me the world has a little less laughter in it.
But, where he is now, free from this earth and his pains, he is telling his stories and his jokes to another set of friends.
The heavens are laughing today.
From My Brother AL
Picture a little boy running halfway around a block to avoid getting on a bus headed for day camp. Why? Because it was only a small van and not a full-sized yellow school bus, of course. Now picture a middle-aged father running after him. Picture this same father filling in as a coach and as an umpire for the young boy’s Little League game. When called out at first base by his father the umpire, this boy gets angry and decides he doesn’t want to play any more and just walks home. Perhaps youthful indiscretion and foolishness? OK, except without him, the team has to forfeit due to lack of a sufficient number of ballplayers. So now the father the coach finds he again has to run after him, and brings him back to the game. This same kid decides he wants to follow his brother climbing a tree. Except he forgets to follow him down and gets stuck and his dad has to talk him down. And finally, for some reason better left not understood, his bigger brother convinces him it is OK to pee in the draw of a desk in their room. This too comes to the father’s attention. Obviously this little bundle of joy was me and that father was my dad. What was my punishment for these youthful indiscretions? As punishment for these youthful indiscretions my father took me to Met games in field level box seats and let me stuff my face with all kinds of stuff from, hot dogs with Gulden’s mustard to ice cream to cracker jacks to Coke’s to pizza which tasted like cardboard for nine innings and sometimes 18 if it was a doubleheader. He took me to the batting cage during the week, came to my little league games, some of my high school games time permitting, a playoff soccer game in college….I think you get the point.
My father was an honorable man and a man of integrity. He tried to teach me personal responsibility. When I was about 10 years old, we were coming home from temple, and he found a parking ticket on his wind shield. As he left the spot, he saw the officer who had issued the ticket. He pulled up to him, and instead of giving him a hard time or attempting to talk him out of the ticket, he said he understood why he got the ticket and that he was in the wrong. In effect, he told me that the man was just doing his job and that he, my Dad, should take responsibility for this deserved ticket. This lesson in personal responsibility still resonates with me to this day.
My father was truly a nice guy who wanted to do right by everybody. A terrific storyteller, he could cheer anybody up and often did so. He was a natural born salesman who made friends easily. In fact, he was elected the president of his international trade association, EASA, in 1985.
It has touched me deeply that the two aides who have worked to help him these past few years have enjoyed working with him and are genuinely saddened by his passing. I suspect this is not always the case with a client. And I would like to thank them Georgina and Maudry for their caring. Along with my mother and my sister, they kept him going on what I believe was borrowed time.
Nobody’s perfect, and there are always things, whether real or imagined, a son can look back on and disagree with in the way his father handled a situation. But there is one thing I know about my dad, he always loved me and he always had my best interests at heart. No matter what I did I always felt secure in that knowledge (he would always love me. )
There are so many things I feel about my father and so many things about him I would like to tell. There just isn’t the time right now.
Towards the end, when he knew death could come at any time, I never saw a trace of self pity. Of course there was some trepidation, and perhaps some anger and frustration at his failing body, but no self pity. He truly loved life, but knew it must end at some point. He was concerned that I and others not feel sad for him. Well, this is one wish of his I cannot comply with. The world seems a far lonelier place without my dad in it.
My father always ended his conversations by saying “Stay well”, whether at work, on the phone or in person. Towards the end and in failing health, when he would say this to me, I’d say right back, “YOU stay well” and he’d say he would try. Unfortunately last Saturday he could no longer do that (keep that promise). And so I say to my father, I love you, I will miss you, /I’m glad you were my dad, you are not alone, you will always be in my thoughts and with me as long as I live. Dad, stay well. YOU stay well.
My father was an honorable man and a man of integrity. He tried to teach me personal responsibility. When I was about 10 years old, we were coming home from temple, and he found a parking ticket on his wind shield. As he left the spot, he saw the officer who had issued the ticket. He pulled up to him, and instead of giving him a hard time or attempting to talk him out of the ticket, he said he understood why he got the ticket and that he was in the wrong. In effect, he told me that the man was just doing his job and that he, my Dad, should take responsibility for this deserved ticket. This lesson in personal responsibility still resonates with me to this day.
My father was truly a nice guy who wanted to do right by everybody. A terrific storyteller, he could cheer anybody up and often did so. He was a natural born salesman who made friends easily. In fact, he was elected the president of his international trade association, EASA, in 1985.
It has touched me deeply that the two aides who have worked to help him these past few years have enjoyed working with him and are genuinely saddened by his passing. I suspect this is not always the case with a client. And I would like to thank them Georgina and Maudry for their caring. Along with my mother and my sister, they kept him going on what I believe was borrowed time.
Nobody’s perfect, and there are always things, whether real or imagined, a son can look back on and disagree with in the way his father handled a situation. But there is one thing I know about my dad, he always loved me and he always had my best interests at heart. No matter what I did I always felt secure in that knowledge (he would always love me. )
There are so many things I feel about my father and so many things about him I would like to tell. There just isn’t the time right now.
Towards the end, when he knew death could come at any time, I never saw a trace of self pity. Of course there was some trepidation, and perhaps some anger and frustration at his failing body, but no self pity. He truly loved life, but knew it must end at some point. He was concerned that I and others not feel sad for him. Well, this is one wish of his I cannot comply with. The world seems a far lonelier place without my dad in it.
My father always ended his conversations by saying “Stay well”, whether at work, on the phone or in person. Towards the end and in failing health, when he would say this to me, I’d say right back, “YOU stay well” and he’d say he would try. Unfortunately last Saturday he could no longer do that (keep that promise). And so I say to my father, I love you, I will miss you, /I’m glad you were my dad, you are not alone, you will always be in my thoughts and with me as long as I live. Dad, stay well. YOU stay well.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Joy
I wish I could convey in words the feeling of Joy I have in my heart this past week.
I know it is a sad time to lose a father.
But I have watched and seen and listened to EVERY person who he touched come and say : Kindness, Honesty, Integrity, Humor, Smiles.
He as a parent was difficult to get along with considering how his children wanted to be independent and he wanted them to be close and safe, but he as a human being, was really really special.
If you have seen the movie "Pay it Forward", my dad was like the child character. His touch touched another and that person passed it along to another.
I figure, He touched a small part of the world...
Like I said, it is a feeling of joy.
I know it is a sad time to lose a father.
But I have watched and seen and listened to EVERY person who he touched come and say : Kindness, Honesty, Integrity, Humor, Smiles.
He as a parent was difficult to get along with considering how his children wanted to be independent and he wanted them to be close and safe, but he as a human being, was really really special.
If you have seen the movie "Pay it Forward", my dad was like the child character. His touch touched another and that person passed it along to another.
I figure, He touched a small part of the world...
Like I said, it is a feeling of joy.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
automatic pilot
Right now, this week that is what I am on.
Next week I begin to think.
Next week I begin to feel.
Right now, it is not about me at all.
But I know, in my heart, my dad is singing in heaven.
To everyone of you who have sent their well wishes, listen tonight for his songs...
Big hugs and kisses to you all.
Next week I begin to think.
Next week I begin to feel.
Right now, it is not about me at all.
But I know, in my heart, my dad is singing in heaven.
To everyone of you who have sent their well wishes, listen tonight for his songs...
Big hugs and kisses to you all.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Today my father finally was able to soar the heavens
His heart stopped beating around 10am.
He flew away and my heart is lighter now.
He is being buried on Monday in a traditional Jewish ceremony. He will be bathed by orthodox jewish men, wrapped in a shroud then wrapped in a Talis. I found my Zaydees(grandfathers) talis and that is the one that will be used. He will also have an american flag on his coffin because he is a war veteran.
The fun stories have started already. They will go on all week. This "Shiva" period is going to be wonderful. My pop could be a real pain in the butt but he was one of the nicest, kindest, most honest persons I have ever known. I had the great fortune to grow up with his stories. He was a natural born story teller and every story was funny or fun. From his childhood in Williamsburg Brooklyn, to his WWII service in India as an air traffic controller, to his wooing and wedding my mother, to all his relatives (all from the "old country") every one of them are sparks in my head.
There is a jewish psalm or a song of Solomon that talks about the riches of a good name. In my fathers case, he was the richest man in the world. The world remembers him with a smile on their face and a warmth in their heart.
Not a bad way to be.
He flew away and my heart is lighter now.
He is being buried on Monday in a traditional Jewish ceremony. He will be bathed by orthodox jewish men, wrapped in a shroud then wrapped in a Talis. I found my Zaydees(grandfathers) talis and that is the one that will be used. He will also have an american flag on his coffin because he is a war veteran.
The fun stories have started already. They will go on all week. This "Shiva" period is going to be wonderful. My pop could be a real pain in the butt but he was one of the nicest, kindest, most honest persons I have ever known. I had the great fortune to grow up with his stories. He was a natural born story teller and every story was funny or fun. From his childhood in Williamsburg Brooklyn, to his WWII service in India as an air traffic controller, to his wooing and wedding my mother, to all his relatives (all from the "old country") every one of them are sparks in my head.
There is a jewish psalm or a song of Solomon that talks about the riches of a good name. In my fathers case, he was the richest man in the world. The world remembers him with a smile on their face and a warmth in their heart.
Not a bad way to be.
Friday, October 13, 2006
It is 1 AM and I just saw a horrible thing
My father laying on the floor unconscious with blood flowing from a cut he got when he fell. My mom had awakened me ( I am staying with them) saying that EMS was coming. I got out of bed and there he was, right inside his bedroom door laying flat on his front. I tried to get a pulse but could not get one. My mom got a very weak one. But he would not wake up.
EMS took him to the hospital 20 minutes ago. My brother is coming out from Brooklyn and we will go to the ER to meet with my mom and the doctors. My other brother happens to be out of town in Tuscon Arizona so we got my SIL. She will call my bro once we know how what dads status is.
THe shit thing is my dad never did a general DNR, just one on file from the last time he was in the hospital. We forgot that one little document when we set up the wills and health care proxys. So, once the medics got the weak pulse they had to do everything to bring him back.
Right at this moment, I have no silver lining to this tale.
I don't want my dad to die, but when he does, or if he did, I wanted him to just go to sleep. NO pain, no problems.
Now all I can think of is him realizing he was falling and could not stop himself from pain.
I have nothing left guys..............
EMS took him to the hospital 20 minutes ago. My brother is coming out from Brooklyn and we will go to the ER to meet with my mom and the doctors. My other brother happens to be out of town in Tuscon Arizona so we got my SIL. She will call my bro once we know how what dads status is.
THe shit thing is my dad never did a general DNR, just one on file from the last time he was in the hospital. We forgot that one little document when we set up the wills and health care proxys. So, once the medics got the weak pulse they had to do everything to bring him back.
Right at this moment, I have no silver lining to this tale.
I don't want my dad to die, but when he does, or if he did, I wanted him to just go to sleep. NO pain, no problems.
Now all I can think of is him realizing he was falling and could not stop himself from pain.
I have nothing left guys..............
Saturday, October 07, 2006
and now for my favorite little guy....
He just came from the groomer, who put on the "I am a cub scout" bandana, and he is my happy place. He has become my home.
Don't ya just love him?
From my journal entry on ck.
If you are reading this blog for the first time you, and you are struggling with losing weight, thinking that it is just not worth it, please, reassess.
Preface: to those who do not know me: I had the gastric adjustable band put in on January 24, 2006. This was my only option after years of worsening health. It is a tool to help me out. It is not for everyone and not everyone should think about WLS as an "easy way out" because it isn't.But, after years of frustration, yoyoing with the same 10 pounds, feeling that even though I was really learning and doing what was correct for a healthier life, I was unable to do it.
It is now 10 months with my "tool" that reminds me when I am full and to stop eating now.
I have gone from my high of 316.5 to at this moment 255.
Here is the reality. The band is the tool. I exercise every day for at least 30 minutes, even if I am in pain and can only walk my dog slowly. I get the heart rate going.I eat lower carbs and higher quality proteins. I keep away from as many processed foods as I am able.
And I have a sense of humor.
And I believe in myself.
You guys can do it. The struggle may seem too hard right now, but work on getting the mind in the right place and the body, with or without a "tool" like the band, can come along.
My tool would not be working without my brain working with it.
I hated how I looked.
I love how beautiful I am today.
I can imagine how beautiful I will be in another 60 pounds.
Good luck on your journey.
Preface: to those who do not know me: I had the gastric adjustable band put in on January 24, 2006. This was my only option after years of worsening health. It is a tool to help me out. It is not for everyone and not everyone should think about WLS as an "easy way out" because it isn't.But, after years of frustration, yoyoing with the same 10 pounds, feeling that even though I was really learning and doing what was correct for a healthier life, I was unable to do it.
It is now 10 months with my "tool" that reminds me when I am full and to stop eating now.
I have gone from my high of 316.5 to at this moment 255.
Here is the reality. The band is the tool. I exercise every day for at least 30 minutes, even if I am in pain and can only walk my dog slowly. I get the heart rate going.I eat lower carbs and higher quality proteins. I keep away from as many processed foods as I am able.
And I have a sense of humor.
And I believe in myself.
You guys can do it. The struggle may seem too hard right now, but work on getting the mind in the right place and the body, with or without a "tool" like the band, can come along.
My tool would not be working without my brain working with it.
I hated how I looked.
I love how beautiful I am today.
I can imagine how beautiful I will be in another 60 pounds.
Good luck on your journey.
Friday, October 06, 2006
My respect for the medical profession just got higher.
Pseudo Tumor Cerebri is what the neurologist is using at the moment.
I saw Dr. Levy one of the partners in the neurological group I go to. My regular guy was not able to fit me in. I went today and he is not happy. My exam was incredibly thorough. I have a whole litany of problems, more than I even realized before he examined me.
He did one funky test where I had to close my eyes and smell something out on first my left nostril then the right one. I thought at first it was compost, then with the right nostril it smelled like a wonderful cup of perfectly made coffee. My hearing in my left ear is completely different from the right side. My strength on my left side in general is 50% worse than the right. I drag my left leg and if not careful my right one drags also. If I do not have a counterbalance at times I end up walking backwards when I want to go forward. My arms go tingly and numb.
I have been getting massive headaches that stab at my eyes and my sight is narrowing. If I am not better with the headaches then on Monday I have to get a blood patch done.I may have ruptured the scab healing where the hold was for the spinal tap. Yuck. The tap was bad enough.
Dr. L. is sending me for more tests. Hesmiled at me after all the concern he showed and he said no one on his watch dies, that he won't allow it. I like this guy, this doctor who really want to help or if he can't as he said he may not be able to cure things, he can help to make my life as comfortable and productive as possible.So smile with me my friends...the sun will be out in a few hours and we can go fight the good fight all over again.
Everyone one of you keep me grounded and out of my shell.
Love you all.
I saw Dr. Levy one of the partners in the neurological group I go to. My regular guy was not able to fit me in. I went today and he is not happy. My exam was incredibly thorough. I have a whole litany of problems, more than I even realized before he examined me.
He did one funky test where I had to close my eyes and smell something out on first my left nostril then the right one. I thought at first it was compost, then with the right nostril it smelled like a wonderful cup of perfectly made coffee. My hearing in my left ear is completely different from the right side. My strength on my left side in general is 50% worse than the right. I drag my left leg and if not careful my right one drags also. If I do not have a counterbalance at times I end up walking backwards when I want to go forward. My arms go tingly and numb.
I have been getting massive headaches that stab at my eyes and my sight is narrowing. If I am not better with the headaches then on Monday I have to get a blood patch done.I may have ruptured the scab healing where the hold was for the spinal tap. Yuck. The tap was bad enough.
Dr. L. is sending me for more tests. Hesmiled at me after all the concern he showed and he said no one on his watch dies, that he won't allow it. I like this guy, this doctor who really want to help or if he can't as he said he may not be able to cure things, he can help to make my life as comfortable and productive as possible.So smile with me my friends...the sun will be out in a few hours and we can go fight the good fight all over again.
Everyone one of you keep me grounded and out of my shell.
Love you all.
Pain
Pain is an amazing thing.
It makes being nice very very difficult.
I use to deal with pain and the emotions by eating.
I turned it inside and made it my fault for everything.
I am not doing that anymore. This shit is not my fault.
I do not deserve it. I am not turning inward. I am turning my anger outward and that is really scarey.
Today was again just one of those karma crappy days. The last straw was and forgive the TMI, when my damn ostomy appliance opened up and everything ran down my leg.
I was at my folks so no embarassment from the outside. I just looked up at the sky and told the powers that be, "You win"
The day went better after that.
I am going to try and post a pic of my hair cut I got. I was just going for a trim but let my hair dresser lady have fun. I love it.
Lets see if I can do this...
Personally, I think I look kick ass georgeous....
It makes being nice very very difficult.
I use to deal with pain and the emotions by eating.
I turned it inside and made it my fault for everything.
I am not doing that anymore. This shit is not my fault.
I do not deserve it. I am not turning inward. I am turning my anger outward and that is really scarey.
Today was again just one of those karma crappy days. The last straw was and forgive the TMI, when my damn ostomy appliance opened up and everything ran down my leg.
I was at my folks so no embarassment from the outside. I just looked up at the sky and told the powers that be, "You win"
The day went better after that.
I am going to try and post a pic of my hair cut I got. I was just going for a trim but let my hair dresser lady have fun. I love it.
Lets see if I can do this...
Personally, I think I look kick ass georgeous....
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Fuck it.
I swear, just when ya think life is leaving you alone for a while.
Okay, long story.
Tuesday morning I get up, call the neurologist and have to leave a message. "Oh, he won't be in until Thursday. We will get Dr. K. to call you back. When are you going to be in?" Now you idiots.... "Until noon when I have to leave to go to my gastroenterology appt, then after 3pm" "he will call you after three" Fine whatever.
I get into my car, go to my Gastro doc who, by the way is happy with my last upper gi series but is not happy with my neurological issues. Life's a bitch, doc, what cha gonna do?
I get into my car. My back is killing me and so I make damn sure I am belted in and driving too slow for most people on the northeastern seaboard. I wait for a red light to turn green so I can turn left. I am first in line, clear sight across the street, no cars coming at me. Light turns green, I purposely wait because I do not want to jack rabbit and hurt my back. I am clear all ways, and that folks is how they say, is that. I begin turning left and all of a sudden a kid on a bike is going across the street I am turning on and I end up plowing right into him. I jammed on my breaks, the kid thank goodness is wearing a helmet properly and he falls away from my car. My first thought is WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH JUST HAPPENED? I still see this dumb fucking 14 year old kid falling in front of me. I jammed my car into park and do not know how I did it but got out and literally dragged his ass out of the middle of on coming traffic (of which three cars did not even think about stopping) He already was up and saying he was fine. He said his mom was going to kill him and he just wanted to go home. I told him that if he moved one foot from me I would kill him.
There were 6 different witnesses telling me I was not to blame as was the kid saying it. I didn't care, this kid could have been killed by two tons of car. Right at the moment I am still shaking.
Anyway, once the kid is fine, bike is not bad, I lost it. Two of the witnessess took me by the arms and helped me back to my car. I began shaking and could not stop. I could not make myself move my car. Instead they asked another witness to move my car and helped me to the sidewalk where I stood for two seconds and then promptly sat my self down on the corner and almost passed out. I did not know it then but from jamming on the brakes and then getting out of the car, I wrenched my neck and back. The witnesses who hung around were wonderful. They called 911 and made sure the police got the kids name and info as well as their info. They called an ambulance and while the kid went home I ended up in the ER in a neck brace and a butt full of morphine for pain for 10 hours. My x rays showed possible damage to my C1-3 spine and problems with my lower lumbar spinal. I went for a CAT which said that nothing was fractured or broke but I do have "Disc disease". I could have sworn the ER doc also said "Degenerative" but my mom says no. Maybe the doc just meant my demeanor.... The ER doc said there are narrow spots along my spinal column and I will need an MRI to determine exactly where and what damage is going on. SO I was realeased with good drugs that unfortunately I reacted badly too after awhile, dry heaves for three hours. People, I think I am going to quit everything for a short while. I cannot face my car. Just thinking of starting the engine is making me nervous. My neck hurts to move any way at all. My eyes are better off looking straight ahead.
And my dog pooped all over his butt yesterday and I have to get dried poop off of him.
Now, I apologize to anyone who does believe in god.
I was agnostic. Now I just hate that higher power. He/she/it/they/ whatever has to exist and I am just really really pissed off. I am not Job, I have no boils on my butt at the moment but after being sick with one thing or another for over 25 years and every time I think I am making headway, something drags me down, I can't forgive and forget any longer. As for the boy, I hope his mother first hugged him closely and then beat the living tar out of him for being so fucking reckless. I will say this, I am grateful that I had to have an xray of my spine and an ER doc with a good eye.
This was last night.
Today my neurologist called me and did use the words "Degenerative disc disease" but nothing big time. Yet.
Now I just need to stop throwing up and being in pain.
One step ahead, two steps back....
Okay, long story.
Tuesday morning I get up, call the neurologist and have to leave a message. "Oh, he won't be in until Thursday. We will get Dr. K. to call you back. When are you going to be in?" Now you idiots.... "Until noon when I have to leave to go to my gastroenterology appt, then after 3pm" "he will call you after three" Fine whatever.
I get into my car, go to my Gastro doc who, by the way is happy with my last upper gi series but is not happy with my neurological issues. Life's a bitch, doc, what cha gonna do?
I get into my car. My back is killing me and so I make damn sure I am belted in and driving too slow for most people on the northeastern seaboard. I wait for a red light to turn green so I can turn left. I am first in line, clear sight across the street, no cars coming at me. Light turns green, I purposely wait because I do not want to jack rabbit and hurt my back. I am clear all ways, and that folks is how they say, is that. I begin turning left and all of a sudden a kid on a bike is going across the street I am turning on and I end up plowing right into him. I jammed on my breaks, the kid thank goodness is wearing a helmet properly and he falls away from my car. My first thought is WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH JUST HAPPENED? I still see this dumb fucking 14 year old kid falling in front of me. I jammed my car into park and do not know how I did it but got out and literally dragged his ass out of the middle of on coming traffic (of which three cars did not even think about stopping) He already was up and saying he was fine. He said his mom was going to kill him and he just wanted to go home. I told him that if he moved one foot from me I would kill him.
There were 6 different witnesses telling me I was not to blame as was the kid saying it. I didn't care, this kid could have been killed by two tons of car. Right at the moment I am still shaking.
Anyway, once the kid is fine, bike is not bad, I lost it. Two of the witnessess took me by the arms and helped me back to my car. I began shaking and could not stop. I could not make myself move my car. Instead they asked another witness to move my car and helped me to the sidewalk where I stood for two seconds and then promptly sat my self down on the corner and almost passed out. I did not know it then but from jamming on the brakes and then getting out of the car, I wrenched my neck and back. The witnesses who hung around were wonderful. They called 911 and made sure the police got the kids name and info as well as their info. They called an ambulance and while the kid went home I ended up in the ER in a neck brace and a butt full of morphine for pain for 10 hours. My x rays showed possible damage to my C1-3 spine and problems with my lower lumbar spinal. I went for a CAT which said that nothing was fractured or broke but I do have "Disc disease". I could have sworn the ER doc also said "Degenerative" but my mom says no. Maybe the doc just meant my demeanor.... The ER doc said there are narrow spots along my spinal column and I will need an MRI to determine exactly where and what damage is going on. SO I was realeased with good drugs that unfortunately I reacted badly too after awhile, dry heaves for three hours. People, I think I am going to quit everything for a short while. I cannot face my car. Just thinking of starting the engine is making me nervous. My neck hurts to move any way at all. My eyes are better off looking straight ahead.
And my dog pooped all over his butt yesterday and I have to get dried poop off of him.
Now, I apologize to anyone who does believe in god.
I was agnostic. Now I just hate that higher power. He/she/it/they/ whatever has to exist and I am just really really pissed off. I am not Job, I have no boils on my butt at the moment but after being sick with one thing or another for over 25 years and every time I think I am making headway, something drags me down, I can't forgive and forget any longer. As for the boy, I hope his mother first hugged him closely and then beat the living tar out of him for being so fucking reckless. I will say this, I am grateful that I had to have an xray of my spine and an ER doc with a good eye.
This was last night.
Today my neurologist called me and did use the words "Degenerative disc disease" but nothing big time. Yet.
Now I just need to stop throwing up and being in pain.
One step ahead, two steps back....
Monday, October 02, 2006
The request on CK.
someone asked in a thread for a new challenge.
Okay, here is one.
For one day,just one day,
say, act, do, nothing mean or nasty or destructive to anyone including yourself.
Intentionally or unintentionally.
Then journal how your day went.
It is both the hardest and easiest challenge around.
After the last month, I need to do this.
Okay, here is one.
For one day,just one day,
say, act, do, nothing mean or nasty or destructive to anyone including yourself.
Intentionally or unintentionally.
Then journal how your day went.
It is both the hardest and easiest challenge around.
After the last month, I need to do this.
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