Todays Horoscope

Cancer:
"Big emotions arrive in waves. The trick is to ride them like an expert surfer: You know there'll be a high, a low and a period in which you can coast. Once you get that down, you're pretty much set for life. "

Man, ups and downs,, highs and lows.... yup, pretty much it.

I have no issues with my thorasic spine. MRI was clear. WHoopie...

Today was my second day of PT.

I go for 45 minutes three times a week. I did not realize just how atrophied my left leg got.

I have twelve weeks of PT approved so far from the insurance company. I want to get my leg at least to the point where I can swim laps again. I am going to have to get PT for my left arm also. I see my neurologist Friday. If I can get my left arm to be able to bring itself above my shoulder I will be able to do the laps eventually.

Course, whatever I truly have could be totally neurological in nature instead of just muscle atrophe and I am stuck with the problems.

BUT, I am not thinking that way. I may never be 100%, even 90% but I sure as hell am going to make it very difficult for my body to give in.

I still am not allowed on the recumbent bike. I have to work up to it.

Good things:
My friend Cathy just found out that she does not have MS. She has had that diagnosis for almost 7 years and finally a new neurologist after a new brain MRI said she is fine and probably never really had MS.

My Jazzys tail is healing nicely. Still has a long way to go but at least now it is beginning to get more healed skin.

Me, I got good drugs for now that work pretty good.

Once again, giving up is not an option.

Ta

This is so cool!!!!!

Months ago my friend Andrea, me, and a friend of hers all called up the John Edwards people who were advertising off camera group readings on Long ISland. I moved, that meant no # to contact me. Andrea's friend didn't get a call but 20 minutes ago Andrea did. She called me, I said yes. My mom said yes, her friend said yes. Course ya gotta pay the piper as it were and tickets, that I thought would be free are actually $125.
Andrea almost choked when she heard that, so did I. But when will this opportunity come around again.

So my mom, Andrea, her friend Jackie, and me are going to go see John Edwards on Feb 8th at the Smithtown Sheraton at 7pm.

To me, this is about as great as going to a Barry Manilow concert and sit in the first few rows when I was a teenager. (NOT ONE NEGATIVE COMMENT ABOUT BARRY :) )

I now gotta remember the box of kleenex.

Yuck, ever actually see all the food you eat in one day laid out infront of you?

Well, in theory, that is what I just did.
I conviently... did not record what I ate over the weekend.
Talk about getting a taste of reality.

Lets see the numbers averaging for Friday through today:

food calories:1,288 cals
fat:46 g
saturated fat:11 g
carbohydrate:138 g
sugar:47 g
protein:75 g
sodium:1,702 mg
cholesterol:130.4 mg


Now, while the numbers don't look too bad, the types of food were horrible. I mean hell, 138 g of carbs, 47 g of sugar?

Sandra get off your ass and stop this shit.

I was also not taking my meds over the weekend. Not for my depression, not for my neurological pain, not for anything.

Well, now that reality hit me smack in the face, I find myself hanging my head down ashamed at myself.

"Oh, pity poor old me."

The feelings sink into me. The thoughts of failure step up to the plate.

A couple of weeks ago on CK someone commented negatively (although innocently, since I don't believe she knew who she was saying things about) regarding ______'s blog. She has major issues with her self esteem, has a self mutilization problem. I don't particularly like reading her blog but I do because I know deep down she wants to be a normal girl. I believe she needs the quiet support. She writes very descriptively and while the words are scarey they are hers...

But the negative statements weren't what I am thinking about. It is about how she feels when she fails. She cuts.

I understand the need. I once thought real hard about cutting when I was a teenager. Inside of me was something so ready to explode that I thought that if I just could cut myself somewhere then the explosion would not be so vast and hurtful. Sort of like releasing some volcano steam so the lava didn't spew all over.

I never did cut. I couldn't do it. I ate instead. Calmed down the volcano inside enough.
Trouble is the volcano can build up again at any time. When I am not careful it gets too easy for it to build up. I need more and more food to calm, to quell, the stressor.

I am now 44 1/2. I take meds that keep the volcano at bay. I hate taking the meds but am grateful they are there to help. Some days, like this weekend though, the meds are the enemy and I avoid them.

That damned volcano build up again. I ate to calm the mountain.

You never lose the damned volcano, you just have to be vigilent.

Someone just today on CK had blogged that they were ashamed of the fact that at the moment their eating was out of control. They felt so much like a failure.

It took me until right now to be able to say to myself that "Failure is when you allow it to continue when you know better."

I know better.
Giving up is not an option.
Failure is not an option.
Taking a short break is.

Fuck it, so yesterday I ate 5 Weight watchers chocolate eclairs. Today I won't. Today I will be more vigilant and face the volcano.

Two things important in this world. Life and death, everything else is candy anyway. Today my candy is to get myself back on track and quell the volcano. One pill at a time. One minute at a time.

My world won't end. My journey goes on.

Have a special day people.

One year Bandiversary

Today is my day.

One year ago today, I stepped over that huge deep chasm that was my death and joined the losing side. I had the adjustable gastric band installed.

Yes, it is about scale victories. I went from 316.5 to where I am now, 250.

Yes it is about non scale victories. I have gone from a size 30 to an 18/20 in most cases.

Mostly though, it is about my self esteem.

I found it sometime this past year and it has been building itself up. I found I no longer ever want to be put last. I am worth more. I can look in the mirror, and although I am still getting use to who looks back at me, I see a beautiful woman.

My world is not the dark hopeless place it was. There is light, and air and joy and happiness...

My band was my bridge to the world I was searching for. I will be forever grateful to modern technology for giving me my life back.

This coming year for me will be interesting. I have to deal with major medical and legal issues and I still have to get down another 70 pounds before I can consider myself ready to discuss PS for my saggy old body.

I am saving up for the smaller size clothing I will buy in the near future.

My journey is long, Tomorrow starts a new year, the future will be priceless.

To my OH friends and others who have the band:

May all of you who are having Bandiversaries have a wonderful, wonderous 2007. Let us reach our goals, on the scale and in the world.

To my OH friends and others who have RNY:

May all your surgery anniverseries be wonderous and wonderful for you. Join with me and lets reach those common goals.

To my friends in general who have supported me throughout the year. You are dear to me and my heart is filled with happiness knowing that you are out there.

Join me in celebration. Celebrate your lives, your accomplishments, and your joys that make it all priceless for you.

with much love,
Sandgee :)

Lets discuss blood test results shall we?

Normal levels of Cholesterol overall: less than 200
Normal Levels of LDL overall: 100-129

My latest blood work:
LDL: 165
Cholesterol: 348

WTF?

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, back to logging every morsel that goes in my mouth and down my throat.

The doctor, who mumbles anyway, was calling me on my cell phone during my eye exam(Lets not even start with my eyes at this time), so I did not hear him very well, but he said something about it could be a side effect of the Humira I take every other week.

I put a call into the Rhemotologist but the office was closed. I looked up the side effects and such and did not find one word about it raising cholesterol and LDL levels.

I looked up some of my other meds and they show nothing related to Cholesterol and LDL.

I have only myself and my mouth to blame probably. The whole time I was unfilled I ate like crap.

The doctor said let's wait three months and do another blood test. I am all for that. I want no more pills.

So I am watching everything now. I can't do much about the physical stressors on my body but I sure can watch what I put in my stomach.

I am kind of glad to get back to logging my foods on CK. I was getting really lazy about it all. Eating and drinking fluids.

I need the obsessiveness I guess of the daily food diary.

So that is where I am off to.

Ta.

wandering and meanderings...

It is a relief to have the calmness of mind to write for a while.

In short order:

Boo Boo is still there but much better. Jazzy is learning to live in his cone.

It is a major relief to be off Diamox. Psychosis versus possible loss of vision. Jumping off a building or learning Braille. You be the judge.

I am on a water pill though. From the day I stopped the Diamox to today I have dropped 15 pounds of fluid.

I got the band refilled on Friday and I am ready to get myself back on the losing side. I know my body should understand the word "Full" at the end of a normal meal, but it doesn't and the days from Jan 5th when I had to have the band unfilled until Friday January 19th, my body would not let my brain know what feeling full was.

I will admit, I was disappointed in myself. No will power, yada, yada, etc.
But, it did show me that there are certain things in this life that I need to get off my own back about and just accept. One of them is that physically I will never know how to acknowledge what "full" feels like with out modern technology.

So bless the scientists and modern medicine and even the insurance industry for allowing me to accomplish my goals.

I find I am smiling again. That is not to say I am particularily happy about how my life is going but without the side effects of the Diamox, I have a certain airy feeling going on. That feeling like I will accomplish what I need to in life and it isn't a horrible chore.

Happiness has always been my main goal in life. Health, etc get you to that happiness. Sometimes though, just the smile is enough. Today is like that.

Saturday I had my upper limbs tested. Basically you are hit with a very low voltage taser gun.
Momma Bess, excuse the language, but "FUCKING OUCH!"

My right side wasn't too hurting but my left arm went absolutely dead at the end. Every muscle he touched spasmed out so bad I was crying at the end.
The technician said I definitely have Carpel Tunnel in both wrists. He will have the Neurologist read the rest to see why my left arm and then neck did what it did. I forgot that, he tested my neck and while it wasn't too bad, when I went to put on my coat I had a massive tension headache for 5 minutes.

Sometimes the tests are just worse than any darn illness.

Today is the Neuro-Opthalmologist. Lets see how much more vision I am losing.

I am thinnking of starting a contest, when will the government declare me totally disabled. Side bets, when will the eye guy say I am legally blind.

Oh, don't worry, I am laughing at all this.

My Eva: Six months old

My little boy has another boo boo

After the other day at the vet, I thought things would be okay. Poor little boy somehow got a little sore on his tail that he just chewed up into a huge boo boo. I woke up Monday to see it. I freaked out. I brought him back to Dr. R. who said it was a nasty sore and needed a good cleaning. Jazzy got a shot of this and that and a pain killer. They shaved his pride and joy, that wonderful curly tail and stuck that cone around his head.

I have to keep him zonked out with tranq's for a few days because he has managed to still reach the sore when I am not watching him. Right now he is fast asleep on my bed.

My baby could have lost his tail had I not seen this sore and left it for another day.

My goodness, all you parents out there. How do you get through your kids boo boos? It is torture for me. I can now imagine what my folks must have gone through whenever I got sick with a Crohns bout or even now with the neuro stuff. It must make my mom insane that she can not do anything to help me but be there.

At least he has an appetite and is pooping well. Of course being so stoned he has missed the newspaper a few times but, as they say, shit happens.

You can tell he is my dog....

I took Jazz to the vet today. I was worried about a something on his back. Turns out it was just a scab.
But... You can tell he is my dog. Excuse the doggie TMI but I found out his Anal Glands were not draining properly and his poor little tush hurt him. I noticed over the past week him biting at his tail near his rump but thought he just needed a bath. Boy am I glad I took him to Dr. Rose, his favorite vet, for the little nothing. Dr. R. drained those glands shaved his rump and now Jazz is just exhausted from it all.

Figures though, I have Crohns that made my tush hurt for years. I now have a dog that has a butt that hurts him too.....

Ya just have to laugh :)

Blah, blah, blah

First off, I am sorry Momma Bess that I can't keep up the positive attitude that has gotten me through so much. I have lots to be grateful for, but not too much in the way of positive energy for day to day living.

Sharon, I wish I could have the faith you have. It just is not easy for me to believe.

Big Sis, Vicki, I could use a huge hug only if I had the ability to give one back.

My Neurologist, Dr. L. increased my med's. I am now taking Neurontin. Lets just say I am taking double what I was on a week ago. I am destined to another spinal in a month or 6 weeks.

I fell on my keister yesterday because my feet would not do what my brain asked of them.
I scared my aide and mom more than me. I actually just wanted to sit on the edge of the curb and laugh. It wasn't that it was funny haha, it was just another thing I could not control. If I had not laughed I would have just asked to be put in a padded cell for a while.

I am so furious that I am losing more and more autonomy each day. I want to just jump in my car with my dog and go driving. I want to get up in the morning and walk my Jazzman.

I am lost, as I was a long long time ago, when I was first dealing with the Crohns disease, in the jungle and I just am having such trouble getting out.

Right now the only thing calming my mind and body, believe it or not, is a Barry Manilow CD:

Just a really wonderful album.

I suppose I need to be in my field of dandelions....

Oh, yeah, insult to injury. Never heard back from Robert. Ah well, better luck next time huh?

A very bad day.

PAIN.

Very very despondent regarding recovery from this pain.
More narcotics, stronger narcotics. Fucking stoned. Gee, ya think if I get to be a junkie I will then be able to get my Social Security disability?

1. Cervical MRI: Degenerative Disc Disease. happens with age. Bullshit. I looked it up, it is normal for someone in their 70's.

2. Spinal Tap: Twice opening pressure is way over even high normal. Taps were done one month apart. WHY THE FUCK AM I TAKING A DRUG that does not seem to help? It just makes me physically angry and irrational due to the sulfa in the drug.

3. Lumbar MRI: Bulging Disc, Degenerative Disc Disease. FUCK THIS!!!!!!!!!!


I can not even rely on my self to keep my eating undercontrol during my unfill. Did I tell you about my tossing my cookies for a week straight?

I have learned nothing. How do I take care of myself when I have not learned the lessons I need? How do I survive?

I can't even take my dog for a walk and pick up his poop. How sad is that. I was going to get one of those pooper scoopers but there was none long enough for me to not have to bend over at least a bit.

What a horribly sad life when you can't scoop poop....

Hell, just a really bad day for me.

Reassessment

I am reassessing my goals for a while.

I am like an eating machine while my band is underfilled. I have gained 5 pounds. The drugs I am on also have a wonderful weight gain side effect.

So, I am not going to make it to 241 (-75 pounds) by my bandiversary at this point.
I will be happy with 250.

I am also reassessing what weight I am going to shoot for by the fall. I wanted to be somewhere in the 180's. I am now taking some pressure off of me and just looking to get to 199.

Two weeks until I get most of my fill put back in.

But, I realize I still have a whole lot of head crap to work on.

One of two things are really going on, the Vagas nerve is dead and I really cannot tell on my own when I am full, or, I haven't learned a damn thing about treating my body correct.

Bullshit on the stress, and disappointment angle. Boo hoo, I lost my dad. Lifes a bitch, I want to be thought of first, not as an afterthought.

NOTHING should prevent me from treating my body properly.

I have got a lot to learn...

So I called....

On Saturday afternoon.

I was sitting on the porch, the weather perfect, watching the sun and the surf. I dialed and left a voice message.
I feel like I sounded like a real moron.

Dang, I am 44, I should have gone thru this crap when I was a teenager.

Horoscope for today:

Cancer:

You can make the world a kinder, more compassionate place.
Look for ways to improve your community.
Spend time with a wise elder who doesn't have family in the area.
The more love you give, the more love grows.

Count down: 21 days till Bandiversary

246.6

5.1 pounds to go.

247.6

6.1 lbs to lose by January 24th,2007
then
24 lbs to lose by April 24, 2007
then
18 lbs to lose by July 1, 2007
then
20 pounds to lose by October 1,2007
then
19 pounds to lose by January 24, 2008
high normal BMI and time to check out PS.

Wouldn't it be a perfect world if this actually happened as I wrote it?

:) As long as the scale goes down each week I am satisfied.

End of the year positive goals thread...(I posted this on CK and OH)

"I know I have been lurking for months now and I do not participate in the
threads anymore but I wanted the last day of the year for everyone to end with a
positive feeling.

Soooo,What have you accomplished in 2006?

I don't want to know what you have not done, nor what you feel you should have done, just what you have accomplished this past year.

Rule 1: others shall look at no good thing in a negative light.

Rule 2: Everyone’s path to the end of their journey is different;
everyone needs to respect everyone else's path.

Okay,I will start:I decided to do the gastric band on January 24th, 2006 and have spent the year learning how to use and fine tune this tool. I am right now down 69 pounds. I am 6 pounds from my first years goal on my bandiversary of losing 75 pounds.

I have discovered that I am a beautiful woman inside and out.

I have learned that I will not be put last any longer. I am worth more.

I learned how to flirt.... See my blog for that one.

I learned that not everything is black and white, there are shades of
gray ( :) Sharon)

I have discovered that waking up everyday is a joy and each day
renews my soul.

I also, finally learned unconditional love via my no longer small
dog Jazzy.

Now, I want to hear how great everyone else’s year has gone.

No deed or happening is too small to tell.

And, Happy, Healthy, Joyous, and Prosperous 2007!

"Courage is not about starting something, but about completing it."(Thank
you Miriam for this one) "

Okay, see here is my Achilles heel so to speak. Almost a year ago I was 316.5 as seen on the left picture. I had seen this face a million times, hated it but got use to it.
Now, as of today December 30th I am actually not 250, I am 248.9. I look in the mirror and do not see "me" any longer. I see a cousin, a relative instead.
That is major "SCARY" to me right now. To still believe I am that person on the left.
But I am not. I am the person on the right. I am most times self assured. I am succeeding at this weight game for the first time in my life. Even with all the things "wrong" I am much healthier than I was one year ago.

One day I will only see the me on the right. I think it just takes time and self reassurance that I am not who I was and I never will be again.

I am attempting to lose the remaining 7.4 pounds by January 24th. If I can, how proud I will be. If I don't, how proud I will still be.

I just can't wait to see me next New Years eve....

Okay, here's the scoop.

Now, remember I never called Robert. I chickened out.

Sooooooo, Today, I got back from the Bariatric Center, I was tossing up my meals way to much, so I got an unfill from the band. (I feel much better now thank you).


I decided to lay down and rest. I turned on a marathon of "what not to wear", totally prepared for a dinner of split pea soup (liquids until stomach has it's rest for 3 days).

Knock on the front door. I was not expecting anyone and in my Jammies so I was not going to answer it.
Mom answered it. Guess who is there? Robert and two of the other guys who moved us in. They were moving in people on the fourth floor and wanted to come say hi to us.

Needless to say, I mad dashed for my corderoy jeans and sweater. They had to go back to moving the people in but I see Robert and he says come on down to the 4th floor, bring my phone # since he did not have mine.

I went down and Robert and I spent the next 15 minutes catching up on life. It felt like just yesterday I was talking to him, not 28 days.

Guys, if I did not believe in Karma and Fate before I certainly do now.

Wow....