Fathers day

It is fathers day.
The first without my dad.

I use to hate those stupid fathers day and mothers day commercials in years past. This week I despised them.

It isn't that he is not with me anylonger. He always is, in memory and spirit.
Rather, it is the expectations that are thrown at me via Madison Avenue. I
f you don't get him this or that, you aren't a good child. Bullnuts.

My father was the biggest pain in my butt. He came from a dysfunctional family and did not know how to be any other way than he was. Insecure and smothering. But, he was also the most wonderful father a little child could have, because he was like a kid himself. He was a great father, uncle, great uncle, grandfather to my cousins etc when we were all little. Problem was he did not like it when we grew up. He wanted to protect us and we wanted freedom.
He provided dysfuntion for his children and none of us, my brothers and I, came away unscathed.

He has been gone now for over 7 months. It feels both like yesterday and eons ago. He and I formed a bond in his last year or two. He admitted he was not that good a parent and I admitted I was not that great of a child either. We had commonality though. We were of the same blood. We did a lot more joking and a lot less griping. It gave both of us peace.

After I had land Physical Therapy today, I went to swim laps. I tried to do what I normally do, block out everything from my head but my breathing. Today though, I though about my dad. One of the things he wanted from me was my success in losing weight with the Gastric Band. In his pain in the butt way he said "Don't blow it.", which meant "Don't give up". So, I did a half mile today. I was tired, I wanted to stop but in my head I said that every extra lap I do was for my father on fathers day. I am not blowing it. I am not giving up. I will succeed.

Happy Fathers day, Pop.