Life's outlook.

Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses. -- Allophones Karr

This quoted statement was posted on Sharons CK journal/blog. I think it is perfect. I needed it and am grateful to her for bringing it to me.

Extra! Extra! Get the update and continued story here!!!

So, when last we left our heroine, the train had hit the brick wall and pieces went flying all over the place.

I just was speechless. I managed to ask her when I was going to have my lumbar puncture. Her answer, "Oh, we decided to send you home and then you can come back in a few weeks as an out patient."
I said "That is completely unacceptable and just plain stupid. I have been sitting in this hospital for almost two weeks and you guys aren't going to do for me the one thing I KNOW will help me out?" I am so happy I did not have a stone to throw at her back as she left.

About 10 seconds later my friend Cathy called and I just lost it. COMPLETELY. I started crying and crying and all I wanted was someone to give me a very sharp razor blade or a bottle of narcotics. All the pain from all these 22 years of dealing with health issue came flooding into my head and heart and soul and I could not stop them.
Cathy said she was coming over.

A minute later my mom came in and I cried all over her and felt like nothing. I felt like a liar, a hypocondriac, a whiny baby, you name it I felt it and I was lower than ant poop.

I was so damn distraught my mom asked the head nurse to have the Psychiatrist who works in the hospital come and talk to me.

I let that idiot Physician Assistant get to me. I allowed one stupid person to negate every positive thing I had done over the years to live as well as I can with what I have.

Sooooooooo,
that was Monday afternoon. Monday later in the afternoon, my mom talked to my nurse and found out that the PA had scheduled the lumbar puncture for Tuesday morning. Course the PA never came back in to let me know this.

Tuesday, I got 20 miligrams of valium and the lumbar puncture. Valium helped me not look for sharp objects and the Radiologist was amazing with the puncture. I was just laying on my tummy under the floroscope chatting with the assistant and all of a sudden the doctors says "Okay, I'm in. Lets drain you." Just like that. No pain at all.
My spinal pressure was too high, higher than the last one in January, so he drained me until I was on the low normal side. I should be fine for about 3 months, hopefully.

I had to be on my back for 5 hours afterwards, I slept alot, got tylenol for the headaches you get after a spinal fluid drain and managed to keep myself on an even level.

Wednesday, I spent an hour and a half with the Psychiatric Liason, an MSW. Very nice lady.
I just opened up my mouth and words spewed out. Very cathartic. Things that I have never told even to my own therapist came out of my mouth. I cried, I ranted, I laughed, I talked.
By the end, all I was was tired. I was no longer lower than Ant poop.

But, I was exceptionally angry. (More later on what happened after I got home and spoke with the Neuro's office manager regarding that incident)

I came home Wednesday evening and my little boy, oh, goodness, I almost didn't recognize him, he looked so scruffy and furry. He was one long fur ball. He was so happy to see me and I, him.
It took three days for him to stop being attached to my hip.

My mom really did a great job with Jazz training wise. She kept up with his sit and stay commands and he is doing nicely with them. He even listens to me now much better. He is still puppyish in his playing, but he is learning not to jump on people now.

Man, did I miss my Shortie (his nick name when I do not use Jazz)

I am tired right now. I will continue again soon.

Nothing like a Two week holiday, and this wasn't that.

Okay,
so where was I when we last left off? .....

Go to Neurologist,who first asks, 'why didn't you come in yesterday?'
Can you say "F--- you?"

He says go to emergency room. I beg for a few days. I had a date with Mitchell that night and was going to a dinner with friends and psychic readings that coming Tuesday. I promise I would go to ER on Wednesday morning.

Guess where I end up that afternoon?

I got every neurological test under the sun.
Lets see...
CAT scan
EKG
EEG
Echocardiogram
MRI with and without contrast
MRA
MRV
Lumbar MRI
TEE(Trans esophogeal echocardiogram: done through an endoscope and the tool (?) can get the heart from the bottom up. Used to see if there are any blood clots waiting to travel. All I can say is, good IV drugs to put you out.
Lumbar Spinal Tap.
About 10 different blood work ups.

Positives:
Food was pretty tasty during my stay.
Believe it or not they had a really great vegi burger.
I had low cholesterol/low sodium diet but I learned to use sweet coleslaw on things.
Really great nurses, aides, PT's and OT's.
I did not have a stroke.

Negatives:
My Neuro groups newest doctor and the Physician Assistant. Two people with no business being allowed near patients.

Being far away from my Jazzy. He was so lonely. He finally curled up to my mom which was great but I was lonely too. My mom would put me on speaker phone and I would talk to my boy. He must have gone nuts trying to find me . I always heard him racing around and barking.

Putting my friends through not knowing where I was. It took a few days to reach my in person friends and without my wonderful adopted Momma Bess, my cyber friends would have continued to worry.

Really Negatives:
"According to these reports, there is nothing neurologically wrong with you. It's all mental, due to stress."

Now read back, oh say up where I said something about a Physician Assistant who should not be allowed anywhere near patients...That was what she said to me after my last test but before my lumbar spinal tap. I do have a herniated disc L4/L5 (which I already knew). But "All these reports say that it is not impinging on a nerve so that it wouldn't be causing you to not be able to walk without a walker".

AH, excuse me? So, you are basically saying that all my pain, herniated lumbar disc and headaches, and slurred words, weak left side, and all the shit I have been dealing with over the last year and a half is all in my(excuse the bad pun here people) head?


Ever see yourself as a train just as you are slamming straight into a brick wall.
Splat, then BOOM, pieces of me all over the place.

I am going to publish this now, I will continue when I get the rest of my "Head" together... ;)

Two steps forward, one step back

Tired. Headache. Can't speak the right words.

Left side weak.

PT won't let me do any exercises. Lets me call the Neurology office as an emergency

"No, ma'am, we don't consider this an emergency, the doctor is booked full. He can see you tomorrow at 10am. If you feel worse we suggest you go to the emergency room."

Too tired to argue. Mom argues. We come home and I take my pills like a good little girl and hope tomorrow is better.

No self pity. Just a statement from South Parks Cartman: "Fuck you guys, I'm going home."

I was doing so well. Two steps forward, one step back....

Night all.

Hmmm, what title should I use?

Sometimes it is really nice to have a good day.
I am having a really great food day today. I even have calories for a homemade blackberry smoothie for dessert tonight.

I took a 20 minute walk with Jazzy, all the hoopla (like that word?) of the impending Snow storm fell way short. Cars have a dusting roads and sidewalks are fine.

I then went downstairs to the apt gym and did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike. I ended up doing 9.2 miles. I set the machine to random and level 6. My butt is sore but I did it.

Tonight I am going to try an ounce of Salmon. The last time, at least 25 years ago, I had a piece I had an asthma attack. I am making grilled Salmon for my mom and just will taste it. If all goes well, I can incorporate that into my diet.
I am now eating some sort of fish at least 3 days per week. Two days per week is Chicken. Two days a week I eat red meat. I usually have soups for lunches, along with my protein drink.
Breakfast is oatmeal, low fat cottage cheese with a fruit cup, a bowl of Crispix, or eggs.

I weighed in today at 256.6. Now that I am back to mushies/real food, I have to really keep track of foods.

Desserts are hard. I love my generic vanilla, no sugar added, low fat ice cream each night. I am trying to remember apple sauce or just an apple but even with that, I still feel the need to give my inner 3 year old some fun.

46 days till next fill and official weigh in.

Doing, not trying.

Weigh in time

Okay, so I need to keep away from junk food.

I was back at 260.5 last month when I got weighed in at the Bariatric center.
Yesterday I weighed in at 259.5. I will gladly be happy that I lost a pound.

Got another .25 cc's put into the band and am now back up to 4.00 cc's of saline fill.
Liquids till Sunday afternoon, then mushies till Tuesday morning.

I got up and weighed myself here at home: down to 258.4. Amazing what you can lose when all you have is chicken soup and protein water with OJ mixed in.

I have made a promise to myself that for the next 49 days, which is the time period until my next official weigh in, I am going to consciously remember why I had this band put in, and comply with the banding rules. Protein first, chew chew chew, drink your water, exercise as much as you are able, and realize when you are "hungry" and not "head hungry"

Do, not try. Do.

Oy.

Discovering Passion

I remember when I was a Junior in High School, I, along with every other one of my class, were asked what they wanted to study in college. Seems like my graduating year (1980) class all wanted to be doctors, lawyers, or Lesbians/Homosexuals (no offence meant at all, my class of 608 people had a huge varied of differently oriented people).

I completely believed I wanted to be a writer or at the least an English Teacher. Writing always satisfied my heart and soul. As a teenager I needed to write. It helped get the mental toxins out of my system. So, I went to college as an English major. I had placed out of freshman English by taking the AP exam. So I was able to take sophomore english classes.

Then I hit Chaucer, in the original English and said, nope, not going to pass this class. So, I took Communication 101. It was a film/TV/debate class. I had a great professor and in the middle of 150 students I found myself knowing that I could still be a writer but also could be a visual communicator, ie: director.

I loved Film, I loved Television production. I learned most not in class but by volunteering at the radio station/tv station etc on campus.

I adored it, but looking back now, oh, 24 or so years ago, I don't remember if I had a passion for it.

I did graduate work and worked on a news show as a writer, director, editor etc. I enjoyed that.
I worked for six years producing/directing/writing local cable television shows. Live and taped. It stessed me out but I enjoyed most of it.

I got sick and lost what I enjoyed.

I was a customer service representative for 5 years. I was damn good at it. I had no love at all for it but the company was very good to me while I was sick.

I attempted to teach and help representatives become damn good at the job they did. I hated mine, I was not able to convey lies to them. Being a CSR sucks. You come away at the end of a day feeling like shit. You are yelled at by everyone and you have no autonomy. I learned that huge corporations can be very very stupid. I learned though how to be nice to people because being nice to people for the most part makes that person feel like a worthy human being.

I thought I had a passion when I was a paralegal. I was wrong. It was an interesting education and I learned alot but I did not love it.

On CK, Lorimak, and I thank her for this one, started a thread that got me to thinking and that began hurting my brain ;):

"Are you where you thought you'd be in life?"

When I was a teenager I just wanted to be thin, happy, married, and be a successful writer.

When I was in my twenties I wanted to be thin, happy, married and be a successful Producer/Director/writer

When I was in my thirties I wanted to be thin, happy, dating, and find work that did not make me insane.

I am in my mid fourties now. I want to be thinner, happier, dating, and work towards a Counseling degree.

I never before, except when I was a teenager and a writer, have felt like I have a passion inside of me.

So, am I where I thought I would be at this point in my life? Absolutely not.

Would I want to go back and live it over again, knowing what I know now? Probably not. I was a stubborn person, I would have made the same mistakes.

Life is a journey, a long, winding pathway that changes sometimes daily. I am currently exploring a new path. It will be interesting to see where it leads.

Moving forward

Time to stop whining and start working on my life.

1. Called Molloy college and set up an appt with the MSW programs director for March 5th. I already feel comfortable from just speaking with her on the phone. She is sending me a packet of things I need to get together. I would not start until the fall but if I need prerequisites I can do them in the summer.

2. Took a major walk this morning with Jazzy, Mom and my aide Georgianna all around Long Beach(1.2 miles). It was so delightful out and I can not tell who was happier to get outside, me or Jazz. He is passed out right now:

3. Did all my PT exercises outside on the balcony watching the ocean. I got through all of them, then Georgianna stretched out my left leg and hip. I felt like I accomplished something. I feel like that after every PT workout, even though the foot and left arm are not progressing as well as I want.

4. One of the restaurants near me is having a dinner and psychic night. My friend Andrea, a friend of hers, my mom and Georgianna are going. Full dinner, soup to dessert and a 15 minute reading. As much as I want the reading, getting out and being with people is just as important for me to feel normal and not an invalid.

5. I was suppose to see John Edwards, the psychic not political candidate, last month but the gallery session got rescheduled for April 17th. Again, I want to get a reading but it is just as much for being with friends. There are 4 of us going.

6. I got approval for an MRA: explanation: MR angiography (MRA) is an MRI study of the blood vessels. It utilizes MRI technology to detect, diagnose and aid the treatment of heart disorders, stroke, and blood vessel diseases. MRA provides detailed images of blood vessels without using any contrast material, although a special form of contrast material is often given to make the MRI images even clearer. The procedure is painless, and the magnetic field is not known to cause tissue damage of any kind.

This one should come back normal also. Goodness forbid something show up to explain things....

Still waiting on MRV approval: Explanation:MRV stands for magnetic resonance venography. It is an MRI studies of the blood vessels. MRVs are used to assess abnormalities in the blood vessels of patients with a history of stroke, aneurysm, heart disease, and atherosclerotic vascular disease.

March is going to be an interesting month.

Ranting and Raving

Just having one of those inner demon days.
I really should not be in such turmoil but it must be some left over vestige of estrogen that forgot that I haven't needed it in over 5 years.
It is a real pissy mood.

I feel as if I am getting nowhere with my lap band lately. I am, for lack of a more colorfully descriptive word, craving all sorts of crappy junky food. I sat down in front of the television last night and managed to polish off an entire bag of Hershey's caramel kisses. Not even a small bag, no, the huge ass one.
I have managed to get through both KFC and Taco Bell in the last week. Tacos, nachos, popcorn chicken...
What the Fuck is wrong with me?

Then, it just hits me square in the face. Loss of control in all areas of my life. I can't be allowed to drive, I need a caretaker so that I can walk my dog. I cannot get my left foot to listen to my brain. I work a sweat up three times a week at PT and at least twice more a week at the little gym in this apt building. I am never alone. I am never making decisions for myself. I am making them with my mom and even with Jazzy in mind.

Eat, that is what I did in my life to calm my emotional stress. Eat until the pain in my stomach outweighs (forgive the pun) the pain in life.

Things move too slowly for me. I want everything to wind up quickly like in a half hour sitcom.
I need to regain control over my own life.

My mom let me drive to PT yesterday. It was wonderful. No one saying "watch out for the ice" no dog whining. No one to determine my day but me. FREEDOM.

Spring can't come soon enough for me. I want my drooping left foot better or in a brace. I want the wonderful spring smells wafting through my system as I stroll for hours with Jazzy at my side. I want to get to that point in my brain where I was before the shit, as it were, hit the fan.

Tomorrow, I call Molloy college and find out what they need to get them to accept me into their fall MSW couseling program.
Tomorrow, it is suppose to be in the 40's, I will be outside with Jazzy for as long as we can stand it.
Tomorrow I get on the recumbent bike as do a half hour of riding.

There are two songs that are part of my being.
One is sung by Kelly Clarkson, yes of American Idol fame called "Breakaway"

The other is one by a singer songwriter called Mike Cross. He has been around since, well, at least 30 years. He does mostly college concerts, small arenas etc. He is country all the way but not the trucker stole my heart country. He is a story teller, sad, bad, funny, happy, he has done them all.
One song is my being. It is called "At large in the World"

I've been wandering around
Through these mist covered days
Watching for signs that would show me the way
but the harder I looked
its the less I can see
and the more I believe it will stay a mystery.

For it's many's the day that I've longed for the night
Cool shadows draped around the pale moonlight
and it's many's the night I have longed for the day
when sunlight would sweep all the shadows away.

Sometimes I'm so confused I don't know where I'm bound.
It keeps my mind in a whirl.
I don't know where I'm going but I can be found
Somewhere at large in this world.

And it's many's the love that I thought would be true
Many's the tear I have cried when it was through
And it's many's the friend I had fortune to know
Many's the memory I'll keep when they go

Years go drifting by like Autumn leaves at play,
Caught up in the breezes as they swirl,
I don't know where I'm going
All I can say is that I'm somewhere at large in this world.

I have followed my heart
I have followed my head
Loved every journey no matter who led

If my soul travels on and my spirit can fly
I'll dance through the night like a light in the sky.
I'll walk through joy and sorrow
each will leave it's mark
as the scroll of my life is unfurled

I don't know where I 'm going but I know my hearts
Somewhere at large in this world

I don't know where I'm going but you'll find my hearts
Somewhere at large in this world

Happy birthday to my Jazzy

My little monster is now one year old.

Amazingly enough, he is the only true love of my life. Considering I thought he was the biggest mistake of my life for the first two months I got him.

Anyway

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY JASPER. The one and ONLY Jazzman.

Todays report

I had a wonderful workout downstairs today.
Georgianna, my aide, stayed with me to make sure I did not trip over stuff and helped to stretch my calves and hamstrings as well as work my left foot.

I did 20 minutes at level 4 on the recumbent bike.

I used the 5 lb hand weights for my arm exercises.
Left arm really hurt but at least I did all the sets that PT wants me to do.

I also, with Georgianna's spotting, got on the exercise ball and did an abdominal roll (?) where I felt it in my thighs and my abdominal muscles.

I broke a major sweat.
I came away feeling great.
I then got into the jaccuzzi and I won't say anymore cause, well, no one really wants to know.

Off to get my nails redone. Broke three in two weeks. Bad me.....

I have been forced to use the new blogger.com

We'll see.

You are my friend

You are my friend.

You and I found common bonds that make the day a joy.
I give you some of my heart and in turn you allow me into yours.

We form a short hand that only we two know.
But we can allow in others to add to our spirit and soul.

You are my friend, both new and long time.
I have taught you
You have taught me
And yet we have so much to learn
that we can walk our journey's path together.

You are my friend,
even when we disagree.
Friendship does not end with individuality
It only makes it stronger.

I am your friend,
and I am renewed by it.
Thank you for being part of me.

What the well dressed cell phone needs!!!!!

This was the gift I got from my Momma Bess.

I think it is the cutest thing.
Jazzy can't keep from trying to get it from me.
It makes me smile everytime I see and use it.
Thank you again Momma Bess.

Does she or doesn't she have a brain? Only her Medical Technician knows for sure....

Had my Brain MRI today. Had to have contrast this time. Hell, shove me in the tube and let me sleep.

The contrast injection hurt like hell. My arm burned so bad. But at least this one is done.
Next is an MRA and an MRV. Takes too long to explain, go look it up...

I am now starting my PT for my left arm and neck. Dang, it is going to take sometime before I will get back to the strength I had last year. I use to be able to do arm work with 25 pounds of resistance, now, even with my "good" right arm, I can only use the 4 pound weight.
I will get there though. Slowly, but I will get better.

My lower limb PT is going well. I am now using the recumbent bike 10 minutes with a higher resistance level. I started at 0 and am now at 3. I have relearned how to pick up my knees and do a marching type of walk, prevents me from tripping. I was leaning to my right before which totally threw me off balance, now I concentrate on standing up straight as I walk and pick up each knee. I am still tired late in the day but PT is late morning so I get the most out of my energy. I went from 1 pound ankle weights to 3 pound weights.

Since getting off of the Diamox and instead using Lasex (water pill), I have dropped most of the extra weight I gained during my unfill. No more psychotic feelings either. I went back up to almost 270 but as of today back down to 256.2. I just have to work hard at the PT and use the apt complexes gym a bit, walk my dog more and I can get back to my low of 247.

So, all in all, life is nice. I feel more in control and better about myself.

Gotta go rest my arms.

Have a great night all.

See December 13th and the January 7th entry for previous mentions of Robert.

Hey, guess what?
I just got a call around 10pm tonight from Robert.

The cell phone rang and I expected Mitchell because Mitchell always calls me when I can't find my phone. But it wasn't.

I had to pick my jaw up off the floor.

I said, well it's about time. But Robert insists that he called on New Years Eve. I never got the message. It's kinda cool to have the guy call to ask me out a ways in advance. With Mitchell it is always last minute type stuff.

I am so amazingly amazed.

A guy remembers me and wants to go out. Okay, sorry, that was my old negative fat me.

There is a feeling inside of me that just has no word because I have never felt it before. Pride? Self Respect? Arrogance? Help what is that word to describe it????????

Man, this is just so cool.

Momma Bess: LOVE IT!!

This is for Bess, my adopted CK mom.

ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!!

When I get some batteries for my digital camera I am going to take a photo of it.

Jazzy already has tried to steal it from me.


Love ya Momma Bess.


Now, you all are just going to have to wait and see what she got me.

Back to something completely boring...

Health report:
1. Degenerative disc diseasein the Cervical Spine

2. Bulging L4-5 (Lumbar) Disc which sucks big time but now I know why I keep feeling as though I am having Crohns twinges. The disc is in the exact area of my body where the pains in my lower abdomen are. Believe it or not, I am just glad that it is not the Crohns.

3. Pseudo Tumor Cerebri still not in remission and my vision sucks. My neuropthalmologist recommended another Spinal tap in 3 weeks. @($&*#) is all I can say.

4. REALLY good drugs for pain. Which is most likely why I haven't updated much. Being stoned can do that.

5. Weather is way too cold for me to walk Jazzy so all I have to worry about is cleaning up his poopy papers.

6. Jazz had a big boo boo on his tail, chewed down to the bone, but is on the mend. Scared his momma way too much though.

7. Started, FINALLY, PT for my walking and balance. I am really tired of tripping over my feet. Just also Friday got a script for PT for my left arm. I figure if I can get my muscles going again I can at least get in the pool and tread water for some exercise. I am only allowed the recumbent bike right now.

9. Did I mention those really GOOD pain meds?

OOh, OOh, I also got my nails done. I have never had fake nails before but my nails are in such poor condition (soft and weak ) that I decided to take a shot. I really like how they look.



It took me 44 years to act like a girly girl. My red pumps, new hair cut, new nails. I have to be careful not to become an artifical blonde. I will lose my brain.(only joking. hehehe)

I am still struggling with keeping my mouth shut and driving my mom nuts by keeping her up late at night talking so I do not go raid the fridge. I got refilled but not to where I was before I was throwing up. I still have a bit of hunger and my head really has issues dealing with it all.

I started being more vigilent about logging my foods on CK and let me tell you I shocked myself when I was totally honest. I had a 3000 calorie day. 2400 of those calories were chocolate chip cookies. Warm, large, and gooey.
I am on different meds now and they are helping reign in my addiction to carbs. Did I mention they are really good? No more mental breakdowns from them. I feel human and fun again.

And that is life here at the freezing cold beach. Sunsets are georgeous but when you see ice on sand you know it is time to stay indoors.

Groundhog said early spring. I can't wait.

Just stopping by to say hi

Me and Popee, my favorite toy